Black & White?

I seem to be undergoing a personality transplant! I am trying to work out whether its a good or bad change, and there seem to be very mixed opinions on it. However, I am trying to remember to not be so absolutely obsessed with whether other people think I am doing the right things and thinking the right things, so right now, I am kind of allowing myself to explore this potential 'new me' to see whether she is ok or not.

Truthfully I know we wont ever change who we are, though we might change the way that we view the world, and that seems to be at the root of the changes in my life recently. I think it can mostly boil down to one main subject area and that is Black & White Thinking.

For most of my life I never even realised how black and white my worldview was. I have always been very careful to know what I think is right and what I think is wrong and to act accordingly. I have held fast onto most of my principles and have been very careful to always try to remain above reproach. (In fact - being 'above reproach' became one of my favourite phrases a while back - I think this proves my point). It was actually upon entering the world of work - the secular world, where I became aware that 'black and white' was such a full definition of who I was. It has been pointed out to me time and time again by people at work and sometimes even church friends, and mostly it was not seen as an altogether good thing. People have also pointed out to me that maybe I just need to relax, not be so intense all the time, but chill out and stop thinking so much.

I guess I never really believed I could do that, and maybe, in some ways, fearing the need to change actually caused me to become even more like that, and I ended up getting myself into some pretty sticky situations.

At my last cell group, we talked about the concept of black and white thinking. It occured to one member of our small group that when they were a child, they would never have watched T.V on a Sunday, because that was considered 'wrong'. Now, they would not have an issue with it. Its interesting how our concept of 'right and wrong' can so easily shift with the cultural changes around us. For someone who has always reveled in absolutes, this is quite a scary thing to acknowledge. In principle I would believe that if something is wrong, it is wrong, regardless of what the culture looks like at the time. However, there is no denying that our opinions and principles do change over time. Even mine have!

Its scarier when it starts to affect how you see yourself as a person, and how you see your future panning out. Its scary when you always thought you would become a certain person, and then you realise that maybe that's not what you want after all. What do you do when your own happiness starts feeling like it is contradicting the person you believe yourself to be. When it seems you can't be that person AND be happy so you have to choose one or the other.

My point is that I am finding that as I get a little older (not old yet) and as I spend more time outside of the little Christian bubble I often find myself in, there is a whole world of grey areas just waiting for me to experience them. I am scared of venturing into those grey areas because of the fear that I am turning my back on the person I always believed myself to be, and the fear of getting it wrong, and the fear of the disapproval of others. I guess I have always NEEDED to know that I am ok. I have always needed confirmation that other people think I am doing the right thing. I have ALWAYS needed other peoples approval. I know that I need to start listening to and trusting myself, but that is really scary when you don't even know what is right and wrong anymore. When the black and white edges of life seem to have blurred. How can I know whether I am doing the right thing in a world of grey?

Now I anticipate that at this point a lot of you will be reading this and thinking, 'you can know what is right and wrong - the Bible should be your guide', and I know and understand and believe that. There are many things in the Bible which to be honest are black and white and which are rocks that are unmovable. They will always be principles I will stick by. However, I think that there are a lot of areas in which the Bible is a little bit more ambiguous. I can know this simply by the fact that many a very clever theologian have debated and studied and researched the Bible and yet come to very different conclusions about a lot of the issues raised. People interepret the Bible differently to other people, and it is that interpretation issue that makes the black and white all the more grey.

I have recently been toying with the idea that maybe we are a lot more obsessed with knowing what is right and wrong - with finding the black and the white than God is. I think ultimately what God wants is a relationship. The first and most important commandment: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart mind and soul'. Similarly, when Jesus was on earth he shattered the Jews very carefully planned out and structured law. For them black and white was the rule of their lives, and Jesus was the one that introduced the grey.

I guess ultimately what I am asking myself right now is, should I venture into the scary world of grey in spite of my fears of being wrong or of others disapproval or should I stay here, in the security of the black and white, but potentially miss out on the most amazing experiences that life (and even God) has in store for me? Is God in the grey? How can I know whether he is offering me the grey areas, or whether he is asking me to sacrifice them? How does one ever know the difference?

Clothed in Righteousness

I haven't really been feeling very eloquent recently - particularly in my thoughts regarding faith - however something really struck me in this mornings meeting and I really wanted to blog about it so here goes.

The first song we sang this morning was 'And Can it Be?' After singing it we spent a few minutes just looking back over the words we had just sung. To be honest - I usually do that anyway - or at least think about them an awful lot while I am singing them, so I had already done this. When Ann asked us which line or phrase had particulalry struck us I knew mine straight away. The words to the last verse are below; my phrase is picked out in green:

No condemnation now I dread;

Jesus, and all in Him, is mine;

Alive in Him, my living Head,

And clothed in righteousness divine,

Bold I approach the eternal throne,

And claim the crown, through Christ my own.

Bold I approach th’eternal throne,

And claim the crown, through Christ my own.

Clothed in righteousness. Why did it strike me? Well to be honest I feel kind of dirty and dressed, well, not in rags, but maybe scruffy jeans and a baggy jumper. You know - the kind you wear on a sofa night when you want to hide from the world and certainly don't want anyone to have to see you dressed like that. Trying to picture yourself standing before the King of King's clothed in righteousness and claiming the crown is hard to do when you know you're such a mess.

The Bible reading for today was Colossians 1:15-23. I have read these verses many times before, and they have always felt important, and I have always understood what they meant and agreed with them. But today they were made alive for me. In the light of what I have just said, take a look at this (from verse 20b):

He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of Christ's blood on the cross. This includes you who were once far away from God. You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions. Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has bought you into his own presence and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault. But you must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don't drift away from the assurance you received when you heard the Good News. (NLT)

Once again the poingnant bits for me are picked out in green. Ok - so this is nothing new - no new wisdom is being envoked here, but I wanted to extract some thoughts from my own mind. Being a realist and having a very practical mindset I can't cope very well with concepts I can't apply directly to life. So I always immediatly look for how scripture or sermons or books or songs etc affect my life. Today, to do that, I had to try to picture myself standing before God and being called holy, blameless and without fault. That is so hard to do, and to be honest - it made me feel a bit sick. It frustrates me a bit because that should be a joy to read. It should make me smile and laugh and be filled with contentment, but all I feel is sick and bedraggled and useless. I have questionned myself time and time again as to why this might be, and the best answer I have come up with so far is simply because I want to deserve it. I know I never can...but...

Don't get me wrong. I am so grateful to Jesus for what He has done and for what that means for me eternally, I guess I just feel unworthy of that grace - but more than that, unworthy of living up to the response that I know that should provoke in me. If God has done something so amazing for me - surely my response of faith and love (that spring from the hope I have received - Colossians 1:4-5) would be to all out live for God, holding nothing back -sacrificing my all to live for Him and to please Him in all I do. Despite my own desires and my own agenda. Why do I feel unworthy of living that life? Honestly - because I know the truth of Colossians - I believe in it, and yet, giving up my own dreams, my own desires and my own selfish hopes, still makes me feel lonely, sad, dissapointed and yes, a little bit resentful.

I once wrote this:

'hearing that God is closer than you think is not always the comforting message it ought to be. It is in fact a bulldozer that shatters an otherwise quite comfortable view of God being distant and un-involved in our individual lives.' (See here for context)

Maybe that sounds like a terrible thing to say, but honestly - I think it is so often true - certainly for me. Sometimes God's truth hits you in the face like a ton of bricks, and whilst its great news - its also shattering at the same time.

Honesty

This is a difficult post to write, and I will most likely regret it. I guess I just have some stuff to get off my chest. Tonight our worship was focussed on Peter's confession of Christ. Jesus asked him the question, 'who do you say I am?'. I say that Jesus is the Messiah, the Christ, the Saviour of the world, my Saviour. I am and will be eternally grateful for what He has done for me, the grace He has shown me. Additionally I believe two fundamental things about God.

1. God is completely loving
2. God is completely just

However, there are some practical things about that which I just don't get - which I really struggle with. I noticed a lot of them tonight. There are three main ones I want to discuss here:

God gives us strength.

One of the main focusses of tonight was God's strength. There was a time of testimony where people were able to express ways that they felt God's strength in their lives. I love testimony, its so nice to hear what is going on in the lives of the people I worship with. Tonight though, someone mentioned that there are times where they feel really frustrated about situations, but when they remember God, even in those situations an incrediable peace comes over them and they are able to get through anything with God's strength.

The problem is there was a time in my life when I decided to do something a bit different and I found it incredibly difficult. It was emotionally crippling for me. I struggled through every moment of every day during that time. I prayed a lot and read my Bible morning and night, and prayed so hard with tears flooding down my cheeks that God would give me the strength to get through it. To get through the next day, or at least the next hour.

I hate putting it so bluntly, but I have to be honest and say I never felt that strength. It became more and more difficult for me and I had to give up. I don't think I have ever really got over that. I just don't get it. Why do Christians find it so easy to say 'God gave me the strength'? Am I the only one who has had an experience where that doesn't seem to be the case?

I love God and I don't want it to seem like I am questionning Him. Over the years I have talked with people about this a few times, and there are a number of possible reasons for this happening that have been discussed, but I don't want to make excuses for it. I don't want to be someone who says they believe something and then makes the circumstances fit. I want to be able to talk about my faith from my experience, not from what I believe in spite of my experience.

God gives us what we need

I wont go into this one too much. I guess people who know me well will know what I mean by this - and those that don't can probably guess. Its just hard sometimes when you say you believe that God gives us what we need, but there is something you really struggle to be without. You try to rememeber that all that you really need is God, but then you end up feeling guilty for wanting something that you don't really need. (Especially when there are so many people in the world without even safe drinking water). Then other people tell you that actually its ok to want it, and then you just get confused. I guess what I am trying to say through all this babble is why do I say I believe that God gives me what I need when I feel the way I feel without it?

God's light breaks through the darkness

I do believe this. I truly do. I guess sometimes the eternal truth of that statement is hard to see when you are trying to live in the present. Sometimes the dark times go on for such a long time, its hard to see any light breaking through, or even when it will. Singing songs about it is so emotionally difficult when in the here and now you feel so different to that.

I guess I have really openend myself up here and let out some of my most poingant feelings and now I feel a bit vulnerable and dont know whether to post this or not. I don't want this to be a woe is me type blog. I guess I just don't know what to do with this stuff anymore, and I think most of the people who read this are good enough friends to not judge me for it or think less of me. I am sorry for this -I just refuse to be fake, and sometimes I feel like a hypocrite singing these songs when I feel like this.

Snow Day

Well what a lot of snow!!! I decided to blog about it partly because there have been a lot of things today that have made me laugh A LOT!

Firstly, as I metioned on facebook, it made me giggle how a flurry of snow bought the Country to a halt. I wondered how other places cope with this type of weather. When I lived in Germany, we got heavy snow much more regularly than this. Having said that, I would like to stand by London Underground and show my loyalty (!!) .

I am sure there are many people who have been really frustrated by the snow, who have had some really important things to do, but were unable, or things that were made really difficult because of the weather. I guess there are lots of people who have been really affected with accidents and so on too. I don't want to gloss over that and pretend its not important, but I want to celebrate the snow today.

I never planned to go to work today - I was having a 'work from home' day anyway, so my plans were pretty much unchanged. (Yes I have been working!) I have been looking out from my balcony today and looking at the beautiful white-ness. There were a few snowmen in the car park at my black of flats, I saw a fair few snowball fights, (it seems my neighbours were throwing snowballs from their balcony - that may be a bit mean but ... still!!)!

It is amazing how something a bit 'different' causes people to act differently. I wondered over to Asda today and everyone I met on the way smiled at me. People have been having fun. I have heard loads and loads of laughter. EVERYONE has been on facebook!

It just made me think - with everything that is going on in our Country at the moment - the credit crunch, the fear over loss of jobs, and so on and so on, its nice to get a bit of a break from it all. It seems like, just for a moment, the country was able to enjoy itself again for a while. Maybe that's a bit twee, but it really encouraged me today. We often talk about the need to stop for a while - to take time out and just refresh. I think that, for some, is what has happened today.

It reminded me of how much I need a spiritual 'snow day'. In all honesty the need to spend time with God, just taking time out with him, has been the theme of many many church events I have been to recently, and I have heard but not heeded the message. Its about time I did. Its about time I stopped and enjoy God for a while.

I am going to sit on my sofa now with some hot water (not a hot water bottle as my flat is 23.5 degrees without me having put the heating on...I had a big thick jumper on and was actually sweating!!!), and read (and hopefully finish) the Shack.

Happy snow day!

Perfection - Part 3

The Impossibility of Perfection

I ended my last post by suggesting that Jesus ethic of perfection, as found in Matthew 5:48, is not practically applicable, certainly whilst on this earth. If the answer to the question, 'how perfect is perfect?' is 'Jesus', then I think the Bible quite clearly shows us it is a standard we will never reach. In fact, if I think back through the life of Jesus, it is absolutely incredible how He lived His life, and how He died His death. We don't know all the details of every day of His life, but we know that when He was tried (unfairly) and murdered (unjustly) He didn't complain. He didn't fight back. He was hurting - physically, emotionally and spiritually (think of that anguished cry - My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?), yet he took it all upon Himself. He saw it through - He did God's will in spite of what that required of Him. How can I even begin to think about trying to reflect that sort of perfection?

So if it is impossible to achieve this perfection on earth, why does Jesus ask us to? Is it about trying to even though we know we wont fully achieve it. Is it about always steadily trying to become more and more holy (perfect) as we live our lives? Is this part of our purpose? To become holy, or at least, as holy as we can before we leave this earth?

The Case for Imperfection

I have been part of the evangelism cluster group at my church for a while now and I have found myself increasingly wondering why it is that people would refuse to enter a church. I have found that there are numerous reasons, and though it may not be the most common reason, I have certainly heard it said that people sometimes look into a church and think they could never belong. Why? because apparently everyone in church is sorted. Now those of us within the church would certainly know that is not true - but do we sometimes give that perception?

Thinking about that made me think about what people would think of me upon looking into my church. I am quite involved in my church. I lead a cell group, I am part of the songsters (senior choir), I am a salvation army soldier and I wear a uniform, I am part of the evangelism cluster and the worship band. I think anyone who really knows me knows that I am in no way 'sorted'. Very very far from it, particularly right now, so I would hate to think that anyone would look at me, and think to themselves that they could never be that 'sorted' and so would never belong.

This makes the case for not being afraid to show, or at least admit our imperfections. Are we too British? Do we try to keep our 'business' to ourselves too much? The truth is, I don't really know what to think. I was recently told by a non-Christian that my faith was obviously not working for me bearing in mind some of the things I am dealing with right now. If I hadn't have told this person about some of my failures and rubishness, they may still be under the illusion that my faith is 'working', but then I would be in danger of falling into the trap of making Chrisitanity - or church - look un-approachable.

I think its always the right thing to do to be honest, but at the same time, does that necessarily have to mean telling everyone everything about your life? If you are grumpy one day, should we hide it and pretend we aren't and that we are full of the joy of the Lord? (especially if we are helping to lead worship - I do sometimes have this problem being in the worship band!)

It seems whatever you do it is wrong - either you are sharing too much and therefore being unhelpful to other people in their worship, their experience of faith (or indeed their introduction to faith), or you are not sharing emough and making people think that Chrisitans have no problems and are therefore completely unapproachable.

Writing this has helped me to think about it a little, and I think I may have reached a few of my own conclusions:

1. Being honest doesn't have to mean telling everyone everything - it means telling the truth when asked. Pretending to be someone you are not isn't the same thing as not telling EVERYONE EVERYTHING about who you are. (True or not?)
2. Those people who think that Christianity is something they couldn't look into because they aren't perfect enough, are bound to meet a Christian in their lives. Hopefully, this Christian in their life would be someone who was close enough to them, and honest enough to show them that that is not true. If that is their perception, it must be because they have never had an honest, deep, one-to-one with a person who has experienced the grace of God in their life.
3. Maybe sometimes, trying so hard to be perfect, or trying to be honest about our own imperfections, however genuine the motive, is actually being too focused on ourselves. If I try instead to focus on God and on others - to think of myself less, I will worry less about what perception I am giving off; less about what other people might be thinking of me, and more about them and God.

In all honesty, I wonder if number 3, in essence, is part of the process of becoming more holy. I don't think I will ever achieve number 3 whilst here on this earth. But I can certainly make an attempt. So maybe attempting to become holy is not about me - but is about how much I think about God and others?

Perfection - Part 2

Does God Expect Perfection?

Its interesting actually that the comments to the previous post follow the same train of thought I have been on. I want to start this post with the passage of scripture that first inspired it:

"Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:48

For my Christian Theology A level I had a piece of coursework based on this passage which asked whether Jesus' ethic of perfection fails the test of practical application. I need to try to dig this essay back out again to find out what I thought back then. Now, having a bit more of an understanding of myself and who I am, I have been really trying to work out how there can be any common ground between passages such as this, and the advice that people often give me reminding me that aiming for perfection will always lead to disappointment.

I remember that one of my conclusions was that perfection will never be reached while we remain on earth, but that should not stop us from keeping that aim as a backdrop to all we do in life. However, I now know that the desire for perfection can seriously be damaging to your self esteem and so it seems that passages such as the above should be considered carefully before staking your life on it.

Both of the comments made I have considered too. Could this mean 'be the best you can be' rather than 'be perfect'. The problem I have with that is that it is not what the scripture says, and also, who is to say what 'the best I can be' is? How can I or anyone else say whether I have reached that goal or not? I do agree that we need to define what Jesus might mean by perfection. I tend to think that perfection means being the best at everything, and always doing the right thing. But if to fulfil the above scripture I have to be good at art, or dancing, or directions, then I might as well give up now!

I like the idea of comparing today's (or at least my own) idea of perfection with holiness. Surely that is what Jesus is talking about; living totally surrendered to God's will and being pure and righteous, not being good at art! I read up on it a little bit and found the following quote:

"God’s perfection means that God completely possesses all excellent qualities and lacks no part of any qualities that would be desirable for him." Wayne Grudem

This brings us right back to Dawns comment about us being as perfect as we are meant to be. I guess that my concern about how to define what perfection means for me can be answered simply by 'look at Jesus'. Surely the answer to the whole question of what perfection means is 'look at Jesus'.

So, does this fail the test of practical application? Actually yes, it does. But more about that in the next post! I know! You can't wait right?!?!?!

Perfection - Part 1

Before writing this post I want to acknowledge two things:

1. Its been ages since I updated my blog. I have neither posted any new thoughts, nor updated my 'friends wot blog' list. Glyn was most upset about this after his astounding success of blogging every day not too long ago, and so because of that, Glyn is now at the top of my list. I will endeavour to update this properly in January.
2. The lack of recent posting means that this topic (perfection) could turn out to be be very long. My posts are always long anyway, let alone when I haven't blogged for a while; so to try to not bore everyone to death, I have decided to split this up into (at least) three blog entries. This one will talk about 'me and perfection' (not that I think the two belong together), the next will talk about whether God expects perfection, and the last will talk about the perfection to come.

Me and Perfection

I overheard a conversation the other day where someone said, 'its not about perfection is it!'. This comment was made in relation to a carol service for the community put on by our church. I, somewhat facetiously, said, 'oh yes it is, perfection is everything'. Actually, in all honesty, I probably didn't say that, I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was certainly a comment suggesting that we should always aim for perfection.

I DID mean that tongue-in-cheek. I don't really think that a church carol service has to be perfect - I was genuinely joking. However, it did raise the point that I do have a bit of a perfectionist streak in me. I think I have mentioned on here before that I hate being called, or especially calling myself, a 'perfectionist'. If I was asked to imagine what a 'perfectionist' was like, I would immediately think of someone who was nearly perfect, and hated that they weren't quite there. That is the image conjured up in my mind when people call me that, and yet I am so far from that. I don't in any way think of myself as anywhere near perfect. I am not a perectionist because everything I do is always perfect, but because I HATE that it isn't. I know it may seem trivial to make this distinction, but it is really important for my understanding of who I am.

WHy do I say all this? The next couple of posts will say more about this, but the point is largely this: I think being a 'perfectionist' can cause all sorts of problems, and I am often being reminded that no-body expects me to be perfect, but I really struggle with the idea of not striving for that. I do want to be perfect, and I am not sure that I agree that I should start to tell myself its ok to be less than that. Not that I think I am, or ever will be, anywhere near reaching that goal, but surely its not wrong to strive for it anyway; to strive to be the best we can rather than excusing ourselves for being less than that and therefore never reaching our potential?

Like I said, I will expand on this thought in a more spiritual context in the next post. I guess this might come across as defensive, but I don't mean it in that way; these are genuine ponderings of mine, and I am not trying to make statements, of right or wrong, merely trying to work out my own issues in this area.

Old Post 2 - Chance or Not?

Ok, second in my series of old-post re-visits. You can see the original here or you can read the context below:

The original post was basically asking the question, "how much of what 'happens' in the world is attributable to God - does chance exist? If not then how can we make sense of some of the things that happen in the world?"

The comments I received were extremely helpful. They pointed me to Job to see that God was sovereign in that situation. He had ultimate control. He didn't do those horrible things to Job, that was Satan, but God was in control of it.

I also made the following comment in my blog,

"I am toying with the thought that maybe, just maybe, this is supposed to be a bit ambiguous. Maybe we are supposed to not really know exactly how much control God chooses to exert over the world in which we live. Would us knowing actually make any difference to the way we live? Surely, even if God does leave some things to chance, we can still pray about it, and trust that God knows which situations to take control of and which not to? It would help to know, (and maybe some people think that they do know the answer to this - maybe I am just a bit thick!), but I guess that its part of our responsibility to just trust despite the fact that things seems confusing. Its a case of choosing to trust despite the ambiguity"

My current thoughts about all this are that chance does not exist, in the sense that God ultimately does have control over everything. However, the reasons why He allows some things to happen, the reasons why he chooses to heal one person and not another, the reasons why He can let someone die without them being saved and so on and so on......... are still a bit ambiguous. Most people will know that I HATE Christian cliches. You all probably know as well as I do that the answer to why God chooses the things he does allow or not allow are 'always for our own good' or 'will strengthen us' or are 'because we have free will'. The reason why one person gets an answer to their prayer while the other one is waiting and waiting and waiting, is often answered with - 'God answers all prayers sometimes He says no or wait'. That makes me cross though, because it leaves out the way if makes people feel. It's putting a reasoned out conclusion to a person who is often severely hurting, and just wants to be able to cry and be cross about it. I think my final conclusion to this is that I would agree with my own statement - "Its a case of choosing to trust despite the ambiguity". Not necessarily trying to answer the 'why' question because that will almost always leave you unsatisfied, but instead choosing to cry, scream, shout, and then finally, to simply trust. Hard, but probably true! Interestingly, I believe this is what you people have been telling me all along! Ha ha!

What were you doing when...

Thanks Dawn for tagging me on this one!

Five events and the opportunity to record the impact they had on you:

Princess Diana's death - 31 August 1997

I had stayed at my friend Dom's house the previous night. Dom was getting ready for Church, I was in the lounge watching the T.V. I didn't really understand what was happening but I heard she had died. I mentioned the news to Dom and her Dad when they came back into the lounge and I remember Dom's Dad saying to me, 'Princess Diana, dead? don't be silly.' I doubted myself! But it was true! I think it was unbelievable because I didn't really understand the significance of it. (I never took an interest in the news so I didn't know how popular she really was!) so I just mentioned it in a blase tone - like 'Oh yeah and by the way, Princess Di is dead', so its no wonder it needed confimation!

Margaret Thatcher's resignation - 22 November 1990 It passed me by too!

Attack on the twin towers - 11 September 2001

Well, firstly it was my 19th Birthday! I was working for the summer at the Salvation Army's Territorial Headquarters - opening post! Previously in the day I had been annoyed that I had to turn 19. Somehow, that paled into insignificance...

England's World Cup semi final v Germany - 4 July 1990

I have no memory of this happening. However, it was my brother's (Lee's) 10th birthday (wow, my family have famous birthday's!) so I am sure we were partying for other reasons. Surely Dad must have been watching...?

President Kennedy's Assassination - 22 November 1963

What? When?

Umm, I tag Sarah, Becky Hills and Claire (maybe it means Claire will FINALLY blog again!!!)

My Holiday

So, I have had my holiday I thought I would give a brief outline of my few days away, so here goes:

Friday 15th

I went to my friend Rachel's pretty much straight from work. We stayed up late chatting (we had a lot to catch up on)

Saturday 16th

I think the picture sums it up!!! Yes, Rachel and I went shopping, and this was one of my purchases! Expect to see it over the next few months!!! Then I went home in the evening.

Sunday 17th

Church. After church, I packed and made my way to Bournemouth to visit my friend Mel. I had a long drive, then we spent the evening catching up.

Monday 18th

Mel was introduced to my gorgeous nephew, as we said a quick hello in passing to my brother and sister in law when they were about to travel back to Essex after visitng my grandparents in Bournemouth.

We then went ice skating, and I am proud to say I fell over twice. I have the bruises on my knees to prove it. Ice skating is actually good exercise. My legs took ages to recover! We then wondered around Bornemouth town centre for a while before going to the pub on the river; where I am also sporting my new jacket! After this we had a girly-DVD night. We watched PS I love you, 27 dresses and Step-up 2. Very relaxing!

Tuesday 19th

We went to my grandparents in the morning and watched some of the Olympics. Then we went to Poole and wondered around the shopping centre for a while. We went to the cinema to see Wall-e. We then went to visit another friend Dr Phil who now lives in Poole and spent the evening chatting and watching Evan Almighty. (I watched a LOT of films!!!)

Wednesday 20th

We went to Brownsea Island on a ferry: We went on a suggested walk, but there wre a number of different 'walks' we could choose from. We accidently kept swapping tracks and so we seemed to do a combination of different routes! We think that we must have walked about 3 miles. That was enough for us! It was a holiday after all. It all adds to the exercise though!!! We didn't spot any red squirrels which Brownsea Island is apparently famous for, but we did enounter a number of wasps!

After Brownsea Island we went for a walk around Sandbanks (The 'Hollywood' of Bournemouth!) and came across the house of my dreams. I LOVE IT! This is going to be my next house - when I marry a millionaire that is! It is amazing: This picture does NOT do it justice!

I will try to fix you

This is a new topic – not based on a previously discussed issue. I will come back to those, I just couldn’t help myself but blog about this: Beware – its personal!

I have always loved this song (see title) by Coldplay. However, I realised today that maybe we have got ourselves into the habit of needing to fix things, and people. I have mentioned a few of my personal but not particularly serious struggles to some of my colleagues recently and all the time, I get suggestions for how I might be able to help myself to fix them. I notice that I always seem able to find reasons why that ‘cure’ wont work. This then makes me come across as really negative and ungrateful (maybe I am), but most of the time it’s simply because I don’t place much priority on the need for the issue to be fixed. I will give an example: I don’t often take much holiday from work, mainly because I don’t like not having anything to do, I don’t like doing things on my own, and I don’t want to spend money on a proper holiday. Today someone made the suggestion that I try to use more of my leave, and I gave my reasons for not doing so. When people find out that those are my reasons, they always try to find ways to help. Well maybe if you…how about if…you could just… The truth is, they are all very good suggestions, and I would do well to listen to their advice. However, I just don’t really care enough about the issue to bother going to the hassle of ‘fixing’ it. Does it really matter that much if I don’t want a proper holiday? Does it really matter that much that I don’t like doing things on my own. Who says that I should try to change that?

Don’t get me wrong; I love that people are interested enough and caring enough to try to find solutions on my behalf. I love that they want to be involved in my life and want to play a part in shaping my journey. I am incredibly lucky to have some wonderful people in my life who care enough to find out about ‘me’. Because of all of this, I desperately don’t want to shove it back in their faces. I want to show I am grateful, and that I value their advice, but to be honest, I am quite happy with not taking that much leave from work. I know it’s not the norm, and people will say you need to have a break etc, but actually, I don’t feel that this is a problem that particularly needs fixing. I always respond to people suggestions negatively because I prefer things the way they are, but then I end up feeling guilty for not being excited or encouraged by their suggestions and not putting all my energy in to putting the suggestion into practice. Sometimes I think I get tired of trying to become the person other people think I should, or rather can, be.

Does anyone else ever get this?

I know I sound like a brat, and its probably a bit lazy too – but I can’t be bothered to do anything about some of the things that other people think I should fix in my life. There are things I recognise that I need to change. There are some very close friends who are currently doing their best to help me with those, and I am probably just as ungrateful to them too. I know I am in the wrong for that – these things really genuinely do need to change, and I know I need to try harder. But with other things, I just don’t care enough! I guess it’s considered ‘better’ to take a proper break and to be more independent, I just don’t want to make the effort to do that! Do you think I am becoming lazy about discipline?

Why do we always feel like we have to come up with a solution to other peoples so called ‘problems’. What if they don’t want them fixed? I think I can learn a lot of lessons from this in my dealings with other people too. It takes a lot of grace to sit and listen to someone complain about something when you know that they are choosing to stay in that position rather than make the effort to fix it – even for the simplest of things. I guess a lot of judgement is needing in deciding whether its something they should really be encouraged to change or whether its just ok for them to stay like that.

Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!

There is a real blog underneath this one. Please read it! It is more important! But I got so cross by this link! For some it might make you laugh - for others like me it will simply infuriate you! You need to have the sound on your computer.

click here to be made cross!

Post 101 - back to the beginning!

It's interesting that the first post I ever wrote on this blog is the one I remember the most. It contains a discussion about one of the issues that has defined my journey over the last two years. I wrote it on July 28 2006 - Now, more than two years on, I still do not have the answers to all these questions, although the questions have altered, and they still form the basis of many other concerns and struggles in my faith journey. The questions of individuality vs community. (Wow, that could be a good title for a series couldn't it???!)

I have often been told my blogs are too long! I have tried, (and failed) to cut them down in length but still keep the granularity of discussion. My failure has convinced me to try a new format. For those who don't have the time or inclination to read further, I have summarised the final question and added some snippets of the original post to help you see where I am coming from. The ultimate questions are: "If the things that make me delight in God are different and opposite to the things that make someone else delight in Him, how can I still claim that faith is not something we can craft individually? I guess it suggests that the 'truth' in itself, will always be delightful. If some people find it's not, is that because we don't understand it properly or because there isn't really just one truth?" and "I know what I think about this, I would stubbornly argue for the existence of absolute truth, and that faith is not about what I want it to be...it is about what it is...and that is determined by God, not my own desires or wishes as if I was in control of my own faith and my own eternity. I guess I just struggle that people I love, and trust and respect don't believe the same things that I do...how does that figure, and how dare I suggest that I know better than them...?"

For those that have the time to read the original (long) post, you can find it here, and you may also want to skip to the 'New Thoughts' section on this post which desribes how I arrived at my final question. (How very structured!!!!) Otherwise, the following snippets should remind you...

Blog Snippets

"Is God involved with our lives on an individual basis? - is he interested in the decisions, choices, and questions that we face as individuals or is he interested more on a sort of community level?"

"It wasn't just about blessing Abraham. These promises served a greater purpose - that of the establishment of the nation Israel - The Children of God...My point is simply that God's dealings with Abraham were not simply for the sake of Abraham."

"Deep down I know that God is a God that gets involved in the lives of us as individuals...and yet...I don't really get why He seems to answer some prayers and not others, whether I am allowed to ask Him for the things I want, or whether I should instead be striving to not care about them any more. I know that I can have an impact on His Kingdom and He does have a plan for my life. I know that - but I know it in my heart, not my head."

Comment Snippets

"In some ways God shows himself to the world and has a relationship with the community of his people the church universal, but in other ways, it is through his people as individuals who have a responsibility to endeavour to grow more like we were intended to be (fruit of the Spirit), so that we can truly demonstrate God and his love and reconciliation to the world at large."

"I also believe that God is, and wants to be, involved in all parts of our INDIVIDUAL lives because each of us contribute to the kingdom of God in our own ways"

"We only praise something that we delight in, that we enjoy, and for us, that delight comes from that personal relationship that we have with God."

New Thoughts

A lot of my thoughts will link to some other posts I am going to re-consider, so for now I will stick to the individual vs community question.

I wonder sometimes whether we have become a bit too easily caught up in ourselves, and have turned our faith into something that we can each craft to our own design. I have been having a few brief conversations recently with people about the existence of absolute truth which I wont get into, but it has stunned me how many Christians would claim that their faith is a very individual thing that may not be 'truth' for other people. I have wondered whether the country's recent obsession with individualism (ipod, i-phone, i-google... need I go on?) has pushed us to thinking that we can design our own lives, our own faith, our own future and our own eternity. I mentioned about Abraham, and the fact that God's promises to him were not given solely for the benefit of Abraham. His descendents became the holy nation, the Children of God, God's chosen people. His relationship with God was not about him and him alone...it wasn't disconected from other people. It happened to him but did not only affect him.

I don't belive that I can design my own reality. I don't believe that I can make my own faith and someone else can think something opposite, and that we can both be right. I don't believe that the things I believe or the things I say or do, exist only within my own reality.

Why am I talking about all this stuff? Because I think it impacts my view of how God works. If my reality is interconnected with other people's, then how God deals with me is not simply about or for me. When I pray, I need to remind myself that there is more to this than just me, more to it than how my life pans out, what my needs and desires are. God is interested in the world, not just in me. However, the comment, relating to the fact that we will praise the things that we delight in, rings so true. I want to distance myself from individualism. I want to stop thinking of 'me' and start thinking of 'us', whilst still remembering that God enjoys hearing my praise, He enjoys my joy and delight in Him, and I shouldn't just make this world about a task to be accomplished. I am also here to find joy in God - corporately and individually. A difficult balance? Yes I think so, because all I said about individualism I still believe. If the things that make me delight in God are different and opposite to the things that make someone else delight in Him, how can I still claim that faith is not something we can craft individually? I guess it suggests that the 'truth' in itself, will always be delightful. If its not, is that because we don't understand it properly or because there isn't really just one truth?

(On reflection, I know what I think about this, I would stubbornly argue for the existence of absolute truth, and that faith is not about what I want it to be...it is about what it is...and that is determined by God, not my own desires or wishes as if I was in control of my own faith and my own eternity. I guess I just struggle that people I love, and trust and respect don't believe the same things that I do...how does that figure, and how dare I suggest that I know better than them...?)

The 100th!

It's my 100th blog post! Better make it a good one! Hmm...what to write about...

Actually, I thought that the 100th showed that it might be time to go back over some of my old posts and see how things have moved on. It would be interesting to see what lessons I have learnt and what lessons I have yet to learn. I am sure this exercise will highlight to me some issues that I have not yet got sorted in my faith. I hope there will be some I have. I think a lot of them I wont have sorted but I will have been able to put to bed.

Since I have already taken up a lot of space by putting lots of pictures in this blog, I am going to start easy by adding more...

Yes...first blog problem solved...

I HAVE SOME NEW STRAIGHTNERS! Another reason to celebrate!

OH NO!

My hair straightners refused to turn on this morning! Oh my gosh! What do I do?

I was hoping it was the fuse in the plug so I took them to work with me (I hate to say it, but I had to get the men to tell me what to do to change the fuse!) It turns out it wasn't the fuse. THey are just simply broken.

I guess it shows that I am addicted to my hair straightners!

What a weekend part 1

I have had a great weekend (which I am classing as starting on Thursday evening for the sake of this exercise)! I have been driving a lot but have had a great time, and in the process learnt a lot of lessons. I will share some with you now.

• A bunch of 20-something girls, really can put the world to rights with a bit of chocolate and diet coke! - and can talk ALL NIGHT without running out of things to say!
• Its easier to talk to people than I think it is!
• I am not alone in my insecurities and its ok to talk about them.
• The older generation might have many opinions and attitudes I don't agree with, but they have a lot to teach me and often the frustration is there partly because I don't take time to understand.
• Planning usually pays off.
• You can go back home without having to go back.
• The Salvation Army, for all its faults, is an amazing community to be a part of, and, in general, the heart of the movement is in the right place.
• Christians can be really cool people.
• The M25 is surely one of the most stress-inducing places in the world!
• You can't control everything - and sometimes you have to just shrug your shoulders and say - "Oh well!" Even if it means missing your friend getting married because the traffic will not move!
• People who I find quite intimidating are often the people that I can have the best conversations with when I get past worrying about what they think of me.
• I should embrace how weird my faith seems to people who don't know God.
• I love seeing my friends happy.
• Maybe I don't need to prove to people that I think or feel certain things - maybe its ok to actually believe myself without other people verifying it first.
• You can improve your life by putting lots of effort into a number of exercises, but that actually God's peace comes through rest - just knowing and loving Him.
• God works in mysterious ways!
• God works!
• Frinds are one of the best thing in the world.

"I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." John 14:27

Performance or Worship part 3

I just had some musings today. Usually when I write a blog it is because something has been weighing heavily on my mind and I need to splurge! Today, this blog is not like that. I had a few random thoughts and thought why not blog them. So I don't know how this post is going to end up! Scary!

My series on perfomance and worship (if you can call it that since there have only been two previous posts and they happen, like, once every 6 months or something) has created a fair bit of discussion in the past and so I recognise that its not necessarily that simple an issue. In the past, my thoughts have centred mostly around worship through music. Today they are about love. Loving people, I know, is a subject that is so fundamental and which a lot of people feel very strongly about, and I don't intend to squash its importance, or to suggest that I know anything about it really. I am very weak in this area generally, and I need to develop my love for others. In fact, it is because of this that I write this blog. I realise my weakness, and want to love other people more than I do, but the thought of that has sparked questions in my mind (as per usual).

How can we ensure that loving others becomes an act of worship, not a perfomance? We are always being reminded in church (rightly so) of the need to love each other. When this doesn't come naturally, what is the best thing to do? If you choose to try hard to love people, practically speaking, do you not run the risk of putting on a performance. Making it look like you love other people when you really don't?

I was on facebook today nd noticed that I had 11 notifications I hadn't checked. Most of them are rubbish I don't need to know, but today I had a notification telling me I had sent two people some 'Luv'. In all honesty, I don't recall doing that, and without meaning to be cruel, if I had intended to, there would have been others I would have sent it to fisrt (except for one of the people, who though I don't speak to that much actually is a really nice guy and I haven't spoken to for ages and it reminded me of him and I thought, 'yeah, I do want to send him some Luv; to all those out there who have tried in the past to matchmake me - I do not mean this in a romantic way - stop getting your hopes up!). So apart from being concerned that facebook was sending out 'Luv' on my behalf, it made me think - when I send out 'Love' as a Christian, mostly I should be sending it out without realising it - shouldn't I? Showing people I love them by my actions and my way of living, without first making a conscious choice to, surely shows them that the love is real.

Rob Bell once made a comment on one of his Nooma DVD's - 'Sunday' (which by the way, whoever's it is, I still have - make me give it back!) which was that if a husband bought his wife some flowers, she would be so happy and so chuffed that he had thought of her. If he then turned round and said, 'well, it was my duty', it kind of takes the romance out of it. She didn't want his duty, she probably didn't even care that much about the flowers, what she wanted was his heart.

So when loving others doesn't come naturally, what do you do. How do you love them without it becoming a duty. How do you turn it into worship and not performance. I have thought about this a little, and the best answer I have come up with so far is that the more time we spend with God, reading the Bible, praying, and falling in love with Him personally, the more we are likely to naturally love other people, thereby avoiding this whole issue. But what about in the meantime. Is there a difference between 'choice' and 'performance' as in choosing to love someone as opposed to not loving them but making it look like you do. Can you tell your heart to do something? I know you can change your mind, can you change your heart?

WOW!

Look at this!

Spoken in our time?

I think you are all going to groan. I am seriously back on the, 'yeah, but...' wagon again. So what has triggered it this time?

We sing a really lovely song in songsters called 'Lights on a Hill'. I love the song, its gorgeous, but it has some really intesnse words. I think I have mentioned before that we are blessed to have a leader who makes us think about the words we are singing. I always think about the words I sing. I can't help it, its the analytical part of me, but sometimes I find myself wondering whether other people do. And if they do, why does nobody stuggle to sing them like I do? Why does no-one question their validity as often as I do? I have got myself all worried about it today - worried that my experience as a Christian is not strong enough to be able to justify what I sing about. Don't worry - its not me doubting my faith - in fact, that feels quite solid right now - its more about me having an answer for the things I sing. Since working in a non-Christian environment I have started noticing 'Christian language' a lot more and have become so aware of the need to be able to have reason behind the things I say I believe.

It was the following words that have inspired these thoughts today:

'You said that freedom was found in the truth.

You promised captives would find their release,

And chains are broken now, lives liberated now.

Your living word has spoken in our time,

You promised peace the world cannot know,

Commanded stillness to conquer the storm,
And hurtung hearts are healed, painful wounds are sealed.
Your living word has spoken in our time.

You said your love was a gift to the world,

A love so great you were willing to die

And guilt and fear have ceased, love and grace increased.

Your living word has spoken in our time.

So we will carry the truth, the truth in our lives,

And honour that truth in our lives

And we'll be lights on a hill for you, salt of the earth for you,

We'll stand and be strong and be bold for you.'

For me when I sing, I want to sing stuff I can really mean, and really feel. I sing the words, 'chains are broken now, lives liberated now, hurting hearts are healed, painful wounds are sealed, Your living word has spoken in our time' but I have to be honest and say that I can't sing these with a heart full of passion, and emotion. I can't give these words my all, or the emphasis they deserve, not because I don't believe them, but because I haven't had that kind of raw experience. Some people say they have had their lives turned upside down by the Christian faith, but for me, its something I grew up with. I connect more with the words, 'Lord you've been good to me all my life'. I don't know anyone who was right on the edge when Jesus came to save them - not someone I have a long-standing emotional connection with, where I can really see the difference in their lives. I hate reducing words like this to the small petty things I experience - God is bigger than that, much bigger and if I am going to sing these words, I want them to be honest and real.

I think the point that I am trying to make is that I feel like I am wasting some incredibly powerful words. I don't like saying things I don't mean, and when I do mean something, I am desperate for people to understand the depth of feeling that goes along with my statements, but with this - they feel like just words. They aren't empty because I know God does heal hearts and seal wounds and break chains, but they are not full of authenticity either because I don't feel it strongly enough for that. For the most part I am OK with singing these things when I feel like this because I believe that they are true...I just worry sometimes, how do I know we are not all doing that. How do I know for sure that God really really really is doing these things. How can I be sure His living word has spoken in our time. How can I know that it is not just generations of Christian language which gets us all hyped up and filled with emotion, but has no real basis?

I guess I am just sighing over the fact that once again, I have never been in an environment where people really need God because they have literally nothing else left. Where God is absolutely everything to them. Here, in this Country, people live their whole lives without ackowledging God and don't in general look or act that different from me.

For me the key word in the song that gives me trouble is that word, 'so'. 'So we will carry the truth'. Why? Because he has healed our hurts, our pain and broken our chains? I think it has to be more than that. If thats the only reason I carry the truth in my life, then I wont be carrying it that enthusiastically, because I haven't had so much pain that I am literally bouncing off the walls for joy at the healing I have received. I carry the truth because of the things I believe about who God is. Not just because of what He has done in this world, or this life. I believe in an eternal God - not one shaped by my experiences, but one who just is.

I don't want evangelism or sharing God's truth to be reduced to the point where we are just offering another option. Something that will make your life easier to bear, or more enjoyable. Thats a materialistic 'advert style' evangelism. God is more than that. Its not like we are selling something. God's truth goes way beyond this world. That's the main reason I have joy in it, because it is about that which is beyond this world. Otherwise how can we make sense out of suffering or harm or evil in the world?

I guess it stems from guilt (as probably most of my questionning does). I feel guilty that I don't sing those words with tears running down my cheeks at the sheer incredibleness of what God has done for me - the wounds he has healed or the chains he has broken. He has done soooooooo much for me - I don't deny that - He gave me hope - eternal hope, because He has saved me from my sin. He has opened up the way of eternity with God for me when I just simply don't deserve it. That I can sing about with tears running down my cheeks because it means something. Its real, its honest, and I mean it with all my heart. But healing my hurts? Not so much. I guess that feeling guilty that I haven't had enough hurts to be healed from in order to be able to sing that song with meaning is a bit backwards. Am I weird?