Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I will try to fix you

This is a new topic – not based on a previously discussed issue. I will come back to those, I just couldn’t help myself but blog about this: Beware – its personal!

I have always loved this song (see title) by Coldplay. However, I realised today that maybe we have got ourselves into the habit of needing to fix things, and people. I have mentioned a few of my personal but not particularly serious struggles to some of my colleagues recently and all the time, I get suggestions for how I might be able to help myself to fix them. I notice that I always seem able to find reasons why that ‘cure’ wont work. This then makes me come across as really negative and ungrateful (maybe I am), but most of the time it’s simply because I don’t place much priority on the need for the issue to be fixed. I will give an example: I don’t often take much holiday from work, mainly because I don’t like not having anything to do, I don’t like doing things on my own, and I don’t want to spend money on a proper holiday. Today someone made the suggestion that I try to use more of my leave, and I gave my reasons for not doing so. When people find out that those are my reasons, they always try to find ways to help. Well maybe if you…how about if…you could just… The truth is, they are all very good suggestions, and I would do well to listen to their advice. However, I just don’t really care enough about the issue to bother going to the hassle of ‘fixing’ it. Does it really matter that much if I don’t want a proper holiday? Does it really matter that much that I don’t like doing things on my own. Who says that I should try to change that?

Don’t get me wrong; I love that people are interested enough and caring enough to try to find solutions on my behalf. I love that they want to be involved in my life and want to play a part in shaping my journey. I am incredibly lucky to have some wonderful people in my life who care enough to find out about ‘me’. Because of all of this, I desperately don’t want to shove it back in their faces. I want to show I am grateful, and that I value their advice, but to be honest, I am quite happy with not taking that much leave from work. I know it’s not the norm, and people will say you need to have a break etc, but actually, I don’t feel that this is a problem that particularly needs fixing. I always respond to people suggestions negatively because I prefer things the way they are, but then I end up feeling guilty for not being excited or encouraged by their suggestions and not putting all my energy in to putting the suggestion into practice. Sometimes I think I get tired of trying to become the person other people think I should, or rather can, be.

Does anyone else ever get this?

I know I sound like a brat, and its probably a bit lazy too – but I can’t be bothered to do anything about some of the things that other people think I should fix in my life. There are things I recognise that I need to change. There are some very close friends who are currently doing their best to help me with those, and I am probably just as ungrateful to them too. I know I am in the wrong for that – these things really genuinely do need to change, and I know I need to try harder. But with other things, I just don’t care enough! I guess it’s considered ‘better’ to take a proper break and to be more independent, I just don’t want to make the effort to do that! Do you think I am becoming lazy about discipline?

Why do we always feel like we have to come up with a solution to other peoples so called ‘problems’. What if they don’t want them fixed? I think I can learn a lot of lessons from this in my dealings with other people too. It takes a lot of grace to sit and listen to someone complain about something when you know that they are choosing to stay in that position rather than make the effort to fix it – even for the simplest of things. I guess a lot of judgement is needing in deciding whether its something they should really be encouraged to change or whether its just ok for them to stay like that.

9 comments:

thesamesky said...

I wonder whether people trying to 'fix' your problems says more about them than it does about you, more about their need to fix things than your decision to leave things the way they are.

Dawn said...

I'm not sure that I completely agree.

Some people will think you have a problem if you buy own-brand goods rather than particularly brands and simply think you are wrong and that you should change (for example!)....

....but others, the ones that really matter, simple care.

As Christians, surely part of our great commission is to look out for each other. Sometimes that may involve 'fixing' but isn't it also about loving one another, encouraging each other and building each other up? (I don't think I need to quote the references do I?)

I don't know who all these 'people' are, but I'm sure some of them simply love you.

Unknown said...

I know! That's what I was trying to say when I said, "Don’t get me wrong; I love that people are interested enough and caring enough to try to find solutions on my behalf. I love that they want to be involved in my life and want to play a part in shaping my journey. I am incredibly lucky to have some wonderful people in my life who care enough to find out about ‘me’. Because of all of this, I desperately don’t want to shove it back in their faces."

I truly mean it. I know that it is said in love and with the best of all intentions - but that doesn't necessarily mean that they are right. That's all I was trying to say. I wasn't at all meaning it to be harsh. I meant it in gratitude, but recognising that people are simply different and maybe its ok for me to be a bit different. That is just what I am trying to work through at the moment. I am sorry if it sounded harsh or ungrateful.

Anonymous said...

sorry im a bit late with this thread but my internet connection is rubbish at the moment!!

Doesnt it come down to god and not people?? like if god sees things in your life that you need to fix then surely he will tell you and to which im sure youll respod with a "oh yes" (!!!) but if it is simply coming from other people then maybe your right you dont need to be fixed. but then there is also the chance that god is using those other people to speek into your life???
yea im gonna give this one more thought!!!

ps - i said "you" a lot and i didnt meen you specifically it was just easier to type like that!

Liz said...

Late comer here! My thoughts are that if we don't want people to have input into our lives then we might become someone that doesn't tell anyone anything,for fear that they might have an idea or a suggestion to 'improve' our lot in life...and some people are just 'fixers' and they are mostly men too as it's in their genes to fix things, they can't help it. My parents are fixers and i love them for it , but it got to a point when I just rang for a chat, my mum answered the phone, and when I said Hi, her response was -'Hold on I'll get your dad' assuming that I had an issue that needed a dad sized remedy. We had a little chat about that and it's much better these days!

Glad to see though that you did get away for a bit -hope you had a fab time! X

Unknown said...

Liz - I think you may be right. I think you have hit the nail on the head and helped me to understand why I was getting frustrated. I think it is simply that sometimes I just want a chat - to be able to say something - just talk - take it easy for a bit - not need to take everything so seriously all the time - ooh! Maybe I'm changing!

Liz said...

Oh, bless you Kirsty - sometimes it seems so hard ALL the time, when maybe, as you have said, it actually isn't and it's just LIFE.X

nigel said...

I find it interesting that without any of your "colleagues" mentioning your annual leave lately you brought the issue of a number of time!!! If you really are happy with the situation - that is, preferring to be at work than doing something on your own at home - then don't bring up the issue with genetically problematic issue resolving men but just accept and enjoy being at work. But this is just one example of a number of issues you raise - you want to talk about them but don't want to change anything?! With much love Nigel

Unknown said...

I think I may have been mentioning it a lot because I feel guilty about it. Plus, change is hard. Talking about it is easy.