Sunday, March 08, 2009


This is a difficult post to write, and I will most likely regret it. I guess I just have some stuff to get off my chest. Tonight our worship was focussed on Peter's confession of Christ. Jesus asked him the question, 'who do you say I am?'. I say that Jesus is the Messiah, the Christ, the Saviour of the world, my Saviour. I am and will be eternally grateful for what He has done for me, the grace He has shown me. Additionally I believe two fundamental things about God.
  1. God is completely loving
  2. God is completely just

However, there are some practical things about that which I just don't get - which I really struggle with. I noticed a lot of them tonight. There are three main ones I want to discuss here:

God gives us strength.

One of the main focusses of tonight was God's strength. There was a time of testimony where people were able to express ways that they felt God's strength in their lives. I love testimony, its so nice to hear what is going on in the lives of the people I worship with. Tonight though, someone mentioned that there are times where they feel really frustrated about situations, but when they remember God, even in those situations an incrediable peace comes over them and they are able to get through anything with God's strength.

The problem is there was a time in my life when I decided to do something a bit different and I found it incredibly difficult. It was emotionally crippling for me. I struggled through every moment of every day during that time. I prayed a lot and read my Bible morning and night, and prayed so hard with tears flooding down my cheeks that God would give me the strength to get through it. To get through the next day, or at least the next hour.

I hate putting it so bluntly, but I have to be honest and say I never felt that strength. It became more and more difficult for me and I had to give up. I don't think I have ever really got over that. I just don't get it. Why do Christians find it so easy to say 'God gave me the strength'? Am I the only one who has had an experience where that doesn't seem to be the case?

I love God and I don't want it to seem like I am questionning Him. Over the years I have talked with people about this a few times, and there are a number of possible reasons for this happening that have been discussed, but I don't want to make excuses for it. I don't want to be someone who says they believe something and then makes the circumstances fit. I want to be able to talk about my faith from my experience, not from what I believe in spite of my experience.

God gives us what we need

I wont go into this one too much. I guess people who know me well will know what I mean by this - and those that don't can probably guess. Its just hard sometimes when you say you believe that God gives us what we need, but there is something you really struggle to be without. You try to rememeber that all that you really need is God, but then you end up feeling guilty for wanting something that you don't really need. (Especially when there are so many people in the world without even safe drinking water). Then other people tell you that actually its ok to want it, and then you just get confused. I guess what I am trying to say through all this babble is why do I say I believe that God gives me what I need when I feel the way I feel without it?

God's light breaks through the darkness

I do believe this. I truly do. I guess sometimes the eternal truth of that statement is hard to see when you are trying to live in the present. Sometimes the dark times go on for such a long time, its hard to see any light breaking through, or even when it will. Singing songs about it is so emotionally difficult when in the here and now you feel so different to that.

I guess I have really openend myself up here and let out some of my most poingant feelings and now I feel a bit vulnerable and dont know whether to post this or not. I don't want this to be a woe is me type blog. I guess I just don't know what to do with this stuff anymore, and I think most of the people who read this are good enough friends to not judge me for it or think less of me. I am sorry for this -I just refuse to be fake, and sometimes I feel like a hypocrite singing these songs when I feel like this.