Over recent weeks, it has become clear that I am not assertive enough. It has been suggested to me on more than one occasion that perhaps, I have a tendancy to let people walk all over me. Now I am fortunate that most people I know would never take advantage of this, but what about people who I don't know well? I realise that anyone reading this may be a little confused. I know that in certain areas of my life, I know my mind, and am not afraid to state it. This is really only when it comes to things about God though. In that area, I think I have a lot of praying to do because gentleness is not always very evident in my character. (Sorry about that!)
However, when it comes to anything non-spiritual, I err on the side of caution about stating my mind. The thing is I have a big fear of conflict, and would always try to avoid it wherever possible. I now have a situation that I need to be a little firm about and I am too scared to do it. Andy and I have a few things in common at the moment with all this moving house palava, - a palava which seems to be made worse by the fact that I am the way I am.
Numerous times I have been told that someone will ring me, and they don't. I have been left out in terms of information sharing - I always seem to be the last to hear about what is happening with the arrangements, and I feel like I - the housebuyer - am getting in the way. When I talk to people or ask advice about this situation, I always seem to get a similar response. People are saying that I need to ring the financial advisors and my soliciter and bug them until they do something. That I should be firm with them, and give them dates when i expect things to be done by. There was a situation last week with the mortgage. I have analysed this situation over and over, and for the life of me I can't find anything in it that could have possibly been my fault, and so i am told to remind them that they have been the ones that have made the mistake.
The trouble is, none of that is me. Its not in my character, its not who I am. Instead of telling them its their fault, I am much more likely to apologise to them for taking up so much of their time. I can't make demands or be firm with them. On a number of occasions I have decided I will, but then bottle out, and instead sit on my hands and hope that it will work out. (Which frustrates some of my colleagues immensely!) Clearly this is not the best solution to the problem. I could ask someone else to hassle them, but I don't want to always have to rely on someone else to fight my battles for me, so the upshot is, I need to be brave and be firm. But then I am faced with a quandry, because I also want to be gentle. I would rather take the blame myself than dish it out to other people, (even if I can't see how it could be my fault). I don't want to compromise who I am in order to be who everyone else tells me I should be - we are always told not to do that.
I used my example there because I think it helps to have a bit of context, but I don't want this post to be limited to thinking about that specific situation. (I do realise that I have to be more assertive about it - whether I will remains to be seen!) Really this blog (in case you hadn't guessed), is to do with a much broader concept - that of, 'how do we retain who we are fundametally, yet still grow in our characters?' One of my real passions is discipleship. I really long to see people growing spiritually, being purposeful about their lives, understanding more about who God is so that they can learn to love Him and therefore worship Him more. That they can be freed into ministry and witness. I get how we can grow spirituially and yet still be 'ourselves'. What I don't get is how we can change our characters and still be 'ourselves'. Isn't what defines 'ourselves' our characters? Surely by changing one of my characteristics I am changing fundamental things about who I am. We are always told, 'just be yourself', but if that is true, we would never grow, never become better people, never adjust to what society demands of us.
So surely being dissatisfied with who we are can be a good thing, if it causes us to change for the better?
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Won't document much more as I'm venting my spleen on my own blog but I think it's a case of reaslising the difference between assertiveness and rudeness. Sometimes in this situation you have to be forceful which doesn't necessaily come easily.
In Christian terms someone once said to me that being a Christian doesn't mean being a doormat. I dunno if any of this is helpful at all but it's what I try to bear in mind when dealing with all this.
And keep at it: as frustrating as it all is it's worth it!
Ok Kirsty, I have picked up on certain areas of your blog, so will comment on them to start with. Firstly, your situation regarding the house move. You could handle this in a few ways. You could get yourself into character (drama performance) and use that as the basis for your "dissatisfied customer". Or you could think of it in terms of "injustice" and get hot under the collar. Imagine if by not complaining about their ineptitude, someone else suffers a few months down the line. I don't think you have to change your character (the essence of who you are) to get what you want. We, in this country are always backward in coming forward about complaining. Were we in America, if is commonplace to "complain" but nicely, they don't and won't accept bad service. We in England do!!!!
I think now is the time for you to assert yourself - with gentleness - but let them know that this service is "unacceptable" (Keith always uses that word and it ALWAYS works). It's not that you are getting at the person personnally, but they are the link between you and what you want. I would telephone them everyday for an update, until they are so fed up with you that they do something. You don't have to change your character, you don't have to be abusive or swear, or shout or threaten, you just want to know what is going on, you have that right, after all you are paying them for their "so-called" services. Be calm, be polite, and they will get the message!!!
Ok to try to answer your question: "How do we retain who we are fundametally, yet still grow in our characters?"
This is my opinion and it could probably be torn to shreds rather easily, but it may help. The reality is that few people are ever truly static in their character and we are forever changing depending on our circumstances. Normally this is seen as an insecure person becoming increasingly insecure, or the opposite.
As we grow we naturally change and mature. If my 3 year old daughter reacts the same way to problems in 20 years time as she does now she would be seen as being very childish. This shows my point. However, at what age does this process switch off? I don't think it does.
I think the situation you are going through at the moment will help to shape you a little more. By taking control of a situation you will become a little more assertive. It won't change who you are but may make you feel more confident if things like this come up again.
Let's not forget that spiritual growth also includes a shaping of our characters. We are naturally sinners, a characteristic of all humanity, yet through following Christ's example we can lessen the impact of that characteristic.
Hope that makes sense!
From Steve Chalke - Intelligent Church and probably in Yancey's book somewhere too:
'Prayer...becomes the means by which God changes us'
Charles Finney ( from the same book)'..prayer produces such a change in us as renders it consistent for God to do as it would not be consistent for HIm to do other wise'
Do we strive to change for OUR sake, or do we allow God to change us for His sake.
And I wonder, which is the more painful??
Bit weird - I was thinking about this today. A friend was telling me (not for the first time) how they had had a terrible weekend - they'd travelled a long way to play a football match, but hadn't known directions, then phone battery went, so they had to find/buy a charger, then by the time they found the place the match had finished, then after post-match drinks drunk so much they left their wallet & £300 ipod on the bus (I hope they're not reading this!). Again - just putting into context as they said basically that they were £400 (including charger, money, travel) down because they were too laid back/disorganised, which was just part of who they were. My thoughts were if we want to be 'who we are', we're either going to be unpopular as we would do or say stuff that would offend people all the time, or we wouldn't run very efficiently (eg procrastinating to the point of not getting things done). So, basically, I don't think we can be who we really are as we should (and people usually do naturally) want to strive to become better/more efficient. If there is something that is holding us back surely it's more constructive to recognise that and resolve it than say 'well that's just me'.
And the concept of 'Just be yourself' isn't entirely biblical anyway - the concept surely is 'be like Christ' - not being 'us' at all but striving to be the perfect example of fun & efficiency/non-procrastination/assertiveness... xx
Yeah, this was kind of my thinking on it. I am never going to tell anyone to, 'just be yourself' again. I don't think this means we should try to be somebody else, but we should always be trying to improve who we are - trying to better ourselves, which can often mean changing our own characteristics.
I wouldn't say I was the same person I was before I left for uni. So, 'just be yourself' would mean something completely different now to what it meant then.
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