My Testimony

Living on my own, thinking for myself,
Castles in the sand, temporary wealth
Walls are falling down, storms are closing in,
Tears have filled my eyes, here I am again.

And I've held out as long as I can,
Now I'm letting go and holding out my hand.

Daddy, here I am again,
Will You take me back tonight?
I went and made the world my friend,
And it left me high and dry.
I drag Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in.
Not worthy to be called Your son,
Is this to be my end?

Daddy, here I am -
Here I am again

Curse this morning sun, drags me in to one more day,
Of reaping what I've sown, of living with my shame.
Welcome to my world and the life that I have made
Where one day you're a prince; the next day you're a slave.

And I've held out as long as I can,
Now I'm letting go and holding out my hand.

Daddy, here I am again,
Will You take me back tonight?
I went and made the world my friend,
And it left me high and dry.
I drag Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in.
Not worthy to be called your son,
Is this to be my end?

Daddy, here I am -
Here I am again.

Lyrics by Casting Crowns

Ok, maybe it seems a bit intense and dramatic, but its my testimony nonetheless.

How English are we!

I was just in a lift and another person got in wanting who didn't want to go quite as far as me. When he left the lift he said 'thanks'. Why?

A rather unsavoury image!

Ok, so its unusual for me to put anything unsavoury on my blog - I don't even like thinking about it, but this has really wound me up today so I felt burdened enough to need to share it!!!

I have discovered a new pet hate! When people think its a good idea to talk on their mobile phones whilst in the ladies toilets! WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS?!?!?!?!

Seriously, as if I am going to be able to feel free to 'go' when someone is on the phone in the next cubilcle! Its completely 100% wrong!

Sorry for the image!

Trust Your Instinct???

I have a question...

Do you invariably go back to the first way of doing something?

I am trying to write a technical document for work. I am not massively exerienced in this. I have written many couresworks in my time about mathematical things, so one would think I should be quite good at it. It appears I am not! I think its because this is actually about something real, not something contrived for the sake of a grade!

Anyway, the point is this: When I first started putting anything down on paper, I made a good start at describing what I had been investigating. After about 2.5 hours of working on it, I re-read it and decided I didn't think the structure was particularly helpful. So the next day I started again using a different approach. I liked this appraoch but it became a bit too detailed so I tried again, this time starting top-level. It wasn't long before I realised that this method was inadequate as well so I gave up on it for a while to do other things. Today, after about a weeks break, I have had to pick it up again and, re-reading all three attempts, I realised that the first one was the most useful.

Isn't this just so often how it works out? Is this a lesson in trusting my instincts?

A Useful Exercise - Part 1

As you may have noticed I have had writers block for a while. I have started a few blogs, but nothing has felt right. Today I finally had some inspiration. I was writing in my prayer journal this morning, and one of my Christian work colleagues asked me about it. I realsied that I have been writing journals for a long long time. I don't always write in it every day, and it usually happens in phases, but I have boxes full of these journals because I have kept every one.

I was asked about my Christian journey last week, and I found it very difficult to describe. I realised today how much of my journey is contained within those journals. So I thought it would be an interesting exercise to read back through some of them for two reasons:

1. It will remind me of the way I have developed and how my spiritual life has been shaped over the years.
2. I will find many prayers that have been answered, or situations I have been through which will have had some sort of resolution.

As Christians we often talk about how 'it was only years later that we realised we had to go through that.' I hope to maybe uncover some of those mysteries through this process. Also, I have often used poetry to express my feelings when I dodn't know how else to. This is a more recent development, but I think that there can often be resolutions and lessons learnt even within a short space of time. So I decided to re-read these as well..

I decided that there may be ocasions where I would like to blog about some of the lessons I have learnt or some of the thoughts I had, partly because it will be nice to share some of these things with my friends, and partly because, who knows, maybe one day they may help someone. So...

My poem blog http://kirstys-poems.blogspot.com has a list on the right hand side of the poem titles contained within the blog. Its interesting reading down the list and noticing the themes (they are glaring obvious!) One such theme is that of waiting. (See 'Waiting', 'Stuck' and 'What to do'). The one I would like to pinpoint today, I have copied below.

Nothing But Wait.

There’s nothing to do but wait
I can’t control this
I don’t own this
Or do I.

Is there more to do than wait?
Do I control this?
Do I own this?
How can I?.

Is there more to do than wait
Or nothing to do but wait?
Do you wait for the right conditions
Or do you act knowing the conditions could never be right?.

The resolution

I acted knowing the conditions may never be right.

Was this the right thing to do? I guess only time will tell...!

Friends? ...At Work? ...Surely Not?

I love my job. I actually do. Its sad I know, but I love it. There are times when things go wrong, there are times that it can be frustrating, and there are times when it can be stressful (2008 at work has so far been pretty much all these things!), but I can't deny that I do enjoy the work I do.

So why is this? Well on one hand, I do actually enjoy the work itself, (simulation modelling of the London Underground lines for those who don't know - or some would call it praxis(?)!). But another bonus is that I really get on well with my collegaues. I am part of a great team of people, and I love working with them. However, this week I have had a bit of a revelation! I have always known that I am a relational person, and also rather dependent. I need people. I like having friends around. I prefer having really close friends who you know a lot about than just having lots of aquaintances. There are a lot of people I would call good friends, and some of these are in my workplace. BUT, after a couple of recent conversations I have started to realise that not everyone sees it that way. It appears that a number of my colleagues would class their life 'in work' and their life 'out of work as completely seperate entities. They claim to be a different person outside of work, and even question the possibility of having real friends at work. They would claim that people at work are colleagues and nothing more.

What is frightening, is that some of these people are the people I would call friends! I guess it depends on how you define friendship. What makes someone a friend rather than a colleague? I don't think this difference in definition will affect the relationships I have with these people at all, I just find it very interesting how people can have very different perceptions of the same thing!

So I am interested...is it a 'woman thing' to like to have friends at work and a 'man thing' to not need (or think they don't need) friends at work, or is that too big a generalisation? Is it more about personality than gender, or is it, simply, just about definition?

Hope 08

First of all I should say congratulations to Glyn, who not only managed to top my blog list, but also managed to be the most frequent blogger that has ever appeared on it. Not only that, but each one was his own work, not some clip stolen from you tube as seems to be the fashion these days!

So 2008 is finally here! 2008, the year of hope. Firstly, on a personal level, 2008 is going to be a year of hope for me. 2007 is behind. It is in the past. It may still affect me and things from 2007 may still haunt me from time to time, but 2008 is here and I am making a change. I am having an Epiphany if you will! I want 2008 to be about God not about Kirsty Caffull. I want to live for God this year. I am not naive enough to think that its just going to happen like that because I have decided it will, but its got to be a step in the right direction, right? I am going to seek God's will about the decisions I have to make. I am going to try hard to stop being prescriptive about the things I want to happen for myself, and start to ask what God wants from me instead. (Sounds good doesn't it - one can hope!). Seriously, I am going to try.

Secondly 2008 is a year of hope for our corps. Its the year we are going to get back into our building. I guess there is going to be a lot of work that needs to be done in order to make sure that we put it to good use, and that we actually do give our building back to the community - the whole reason for the refurbishment in the first place. But there is hope. Hope that we can be changed as individuals, and as a family by the spirit - and given the wisdom to know best how to meet the communities needs. Could this be the time for revival in Romford? Maybe, maybe not, that is up to God, but we can be ready for it, and pray for it and listen to what God wants and act on it. 2008 can be a chance for us to make a real difference.

Lastly - 2008 is a year of hope for all the people who will be affected by the work of the churches participating in Hope 08. This is an opportunity for them to get to know the church living out its calling, refusing to allow people to believe their sterotype that all Christians are hypocrites. 2008 is a chance for them to meet God and to develop a relationship with him. Its an oportunity for them to let their hard hearts be melted, and to feel the living reviving touch of God. Because I for one know the living reality of the goodness of God.

Most importantly, 2008 is a year I am dedicating to prayer. I will be praying every day that these hopes turn into a reality. Here's to 2008!

(schloer!)