Suffering

Do you ever have that experience where there is something going on in your head – something that you can’t quite put your finger on or define, but it really frustrates you? For me there has been something playing on my mind probably at least since I came back from uni – and it most likely started before that, some concern and frustration that I have, but I have never understood it well enough to describe it to anybody else. I have attempted in the past, but it usually ends up with them not really getting it either, and me getting my words and my logic all jumbled up so by the end everyone is just more frustrated. Well anyway – I was reading a book on the train, (the last chapter of Desiring God by John Piper – I have posted about this book before), which totally just defined my frustration.

It is quite strongly worded – in my opinion rightly so, but I am aware that this could sound really full on. I genuinely want opinions about this because it is actually a massive issue to me, and I think it is the deep burden inside of me that sometimes causes other niggles to come out. But I am aware that I can sometimes (or maybe always) have expectations that put way too much pressure on people. If I sometimes make you feel like that then I am sorry. I am sorry if my words sometimes come out harshly and judgmentally instead of gently and gracefully. I don’t mean to make anyone feel bad or hurt or judged – I just get so anxious that we do the best we can as Christians and I get frustrated by half-heartedness. I promise that I do not judge others for the way they live out their faith even if it sometimes seems like I do, I am just not good at expressing myself and in actual fact I actually feel like most of my friends are better at the whole 'being a Christian' thing than I am. Really it is my issue, as what frustrates me is that I am so half hearted – but I am a bit too unsure of myself to actually do anything about it. Scared I will fail and make a fool of myself. I know it is my responsibility to turn my passion into action – but euugh! Its so hard – its so big and its so scary.

The start of these thoughts were based on a question: “What if you were to realise at the end of your life that atheism is true and that there is no God? Tell me, what if it were true?”

Paul has already kind of given a response to this question –

“If for this life only we have hoped in Christ, we are of all men most to be pitied.” 1 Corinthians 15:19

What follows is selected passages from John Pipers book regarding these ideas:

“Why didn’t Paul say ‘Even if Christ is not raised from the dead, and even if there is no God, a life of love and labour and sacrifice and suffering is a good life’? Why didn’t he say that ‘even without the reward of resurrection, we are not to be pitied’? Why did he say instead, ‘If our hope in Christ proves to be false in the end, we are to be pitied more than anyone’?...

…It seems that most Christians in the prosperous West describe the benefits of Christianity in terms that would make it a good life, even if there were no God and no resurrection. Think of all the psychological benefits and relational benefits. And of course these are true and Biblical: the fruit of the Holy Spirit is love, joy, and peace. So if we get love, joy and peace from believing these things, then is it not a good life to live, even if it turns out to be based on a falsehood? Why should we be pitied? What’s wrong with Paul then? Was he not living the abundant life?.It does not seem to be pitiable to live your three score and ten in a joyful and satisfying delusion, if that delusion makes no difference whatever for the future. If delusion can turn emptiness and meaninglessness into happiness then why not be deluded?

The answer seems to be that the Christian life for Paul was not the so-called good life of prosperity and ease. Instead it was a life of freely chosen suffering beyond anything we ordinarily experience…

…Christianity as Paul understands it is not the best way to maximise pleasure, if this life is all that there is. Paul tells us the best way to maximise our pleasures in this life. ‘If the dead are not raised, let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die’ 1 Corinthians 15:32…

…But what he means by the phrase, ‘Let us eat and drink’ is that without the hope of resurrection, one should pursue ordinary pleasures and avoid extraordinary suffering. This is the life Paul has rejected as a Christian…He means there is a normal, simple comfortable, ordinary life of human delights that we may enjoy with no troubling thoughts of heaven or hell or sin or holiness or God – if there is no resurrection from the dead. And what stunned me about this train of thought is that many professing Christians seem to aim at just this, and call it Christianity…

…How many Christians do you know who could say, ‘The lifestyle I have chosen as a Christian would be utterly foolish and pitiable if there is no resurrection’? How many Christians are there who could say, ‘The suffering I have freely chosen to embrace for the cause of Christ would be a pitiable life if there is no resurrection’? As I see it, these are shocking questions.

‘If the dead are not raised… why am I in peril every hour?...I die every day’ 1 Corinthians 15: 29-31. This is what Paul has chosen. He protests because he does not have to live this way, he has chosen it…

…This is not normal. Human beings flee suffering. We move to safer neighbourhoods. We choose milder climates. We buy air conditioners. We take aspirin. We come in out of the rain. We avoid dark streets. We purify our water. We do not normally choose a way of life that would put us in ‘peril every hour’…

…Oh that we would embrace the necessary suffering appointed for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom in the world!”

Are these harsh words? Do these statements draw out for us a set of guidelines that are beyond our reach, or place too much pressure on us to be perfect? Do they call us to strive for too much perfection, or is that just the way we see it because actually we like our comfortable life? Do we end up saying , ‘well I gave up this thing for God 3 years ago, is that not enough?’ Or ‘really, I just can’t be bothered to make that much effort?’ Is it just me or does there seem to be a startling gap between the sort of suffering that Paul chose to endure and what we allow ourselves to go through? Is that just because of the vast difference in cultures, or is that just an excuse? Surely there are opportunities to preach the word without hesitation or compromise in the way they used to? Why don’t we take them? Sure we would get in trouble for it and face many difficulties for it – but isn’t that what this is saying we should be choosing?

I have been told by people in the past that I need to relax with my faith a bit more, and stop striving so hard for perfection – but how do you do that when these words are so challenging? These words so describe what has been buried deep down in my gut for so long – how do I respond to it? And should I? And what if I don’t want to?

Help!

Just realised that once again I have written an honest post making me vulnerable! Am quite scared by how often I am doing this right now! Just thought I would add that in.

Surprised by Beauty

To continue the thread regarding scepticism, particularly relating to personal experiences of God, I have to say that in reading Richard Dawkins arguments, I find myself having to try very hard to not agree with him. It is likely to have a lot to do with the fact that in looking at ‘experience’ from a rational, analytical point of view, it doesn’t always make sense, but perhaps that is the very reason we call it an ‘experience’. Its meant to be felt, not understood or justified. Does that make sense? The reason I say this, is its easy to be sceptical until you have one of these ‘experiences’, and then suddenly, they are very hard to deny.

I went to visit my lovely brother in Southampton at the weekend, and on Saturday night, I attended Shirley Salvation Army’s community carol service, ‘The glory of Christmas’. It was strange taking a backseat, and being part of the audience as I am so used to being involved in it. Its good, it lets you see it from a different perspective.

To give you the context, you should probably know that I wasn’t expecting to get much out of this. In general I don’t enjoy carol services, mainly because I hate singing carols because most of them are filled with dodgy theology, and when you think about the words you realise that you are singing complete nonsense. Sorry, I will get off my soapbox! I just hate the carols. Anyway, this was going to be a positive post, so forget that!

For the most part it was your normal Christmas carol service but when it came to the nativity, it was surprisingly simple. The ‘nativity characters’ came onto the stage slowly to a piece of music. There was no story in the background, no words for people to learn, they simply just created before us the scene. Then it was time for the angels dance. This is where my eyes welled up, and God took me by complete surprise.

Let me set the scene. Mary, Joseph, the shepherds, the wise men and, most importantly, Jesus were all on the stage in their costume and the normal ‘manger scene’ set up. The three angles (three beautiful young ladies who I love dearly anyway – this probably added to the ‘welling up thing!’) were in front of the stage, and their costumes I have to say were simply stunning.

A simple but incredibly beautiful song, which I used to love as a child began and the angels started their dance. It was very, very simple. The song words will help to illustrate the scene so I have written them below:

Lord, You are more precious than silver,
Lord, You are more costly than gold,
Lord, You are more beautiful than diamonds,
And nothing I desire compares with You.

As the words ‘silver’, ‘gold’ and ‘diamonds’ were sung, each of the girls threw appropriately coloured glittery paper over the manger scene.

It will obviously not have the right effect, being written in a blog, but the effect was stunning. There is much beauty in simplicity. I truly felt like I was no longer in Shirley Salvation Army hall, watching their interpretation of the Christmas story, I was in the presence of real angels, truly worshipping their beautiful Lord. I was surrounded by beauty.

At the end of the carol service, lots of people came on stage with coloured tops and ribbons and performed a sort of ‘ribbon dance’ to the song ‘Joyful, Joyful’. This also was beautiful, but in a much more majestic, powerful way, and once again, I felt like I was truly in the presence of the angels, celebrating the great news of Jesus coming to earth.

As if that wasn’t enough, on Sunday, back at Romford, baby Masie Howell was dedicated back to God. I guess nothing more need be said, the beauty of that act speaks for itself. Then on Sunday night in the prayer time we sang two songs which also spoke of all that I had experienced this weekend:

Light of the world you stepped down into darkness
Opened my eyes, let me see
Beauty that made this heart adore you
Hope of a life spent with you,

So here I am to worship…

And

Jesus, name above all names,
Beautiful Saviour, glorious Lord…

I think I have already received my Christmas blessing – the awareness of the beauty of Jesus, and the chance to join in with the angels in their celebration of that beauty.

Why Faith?

I had a very interesting discussion with a friend of mine last night whilst we were painting my room. I was standing in the wardrobe – yes in the wardrobe! (I have built in mirrored wardrobes – and we were painting the walls at the back of them!) and she posed a question which got us wondering. Who knows, maybe it was the fumes of the paint (especially in an enclosed space!!!), but it seems like we should have known the answer to this question, and yet neither of us could quite put our finger on it. I think we may be missing a large piece of the jigsaw, which is there somewhere, but for some reason has been temporarily misplaced. Losing the metaphors, I don’t quite get it. I thought I did, but after that question I have realised I obviously don’t. I think there is an answer to this one, and an answer I will probably respond to with an, ‘Oh yeah, that’s what it is!’ type response, so if anyone can offer it, that would be great!!!!

Sorry, no more waffling, here it is the question of the day:

Why is faith required for Salvation?

In my head, the brief (very) history of the redemption plan is this:

• God made a perfect world, humans were in perfect relationship with Him.
• Humans messed up and ruined it – we were separated from God.
• The huge gap between God’s holiness and glory and our sinfulness meant that we could no longer see God fully or be actually with Him in the fullness of His presence because we would simply die. (This is true – right?)
• God still wanted to be in relationship with His people so He chose a nation and set some guidelines for them on how they might be able to still be in relationship with Him - sacrifice, the holy of holies, the tabernacle, the ten commandments and covenant relationship etc etc. Namely the law.
• Skipping a whole load of "stuff" - the law was powerless to remove the sins of the people: "The law is only a shadow of the good things that are coming—not the realities themselves. For this reason it can never, by the same sacrifices repeated endlessly year after year, make perfect those who draw near to worship. If it could, would they not have stopped being offered? For the worshipers would have been cleansed once for all, and would no longer have felt guilty for their sins. But those sacrifices are an annual reminder of sins, because it is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins." Hebrews 10:1-4
• Jesus came to earth, became a man, lived a perfect life, and died for our sins, becoming the perfect sacrifice and therefore the fulfilment of the law.
• Now we are in a transient state. We have forgiveness of sins through Jesus, and can 'gain access' to the Kingdom of Heaven through faith in the son. But what we see now is only partial because the Son has not yet returned in all His glory. So we are still imperfect, and still do not experience the complete fulness of His glory (nor can we till we have been made perfect).

That is my understanding. My question is this:

If God is omnipotent - can do anything - why was he bound by the 'law' in the first place? Why did sin seperate us from Him? Why couldn't he just turn round and say sin can exist with holiness? (or more metaphorically - I choose that darkness and light can now exist together)?

Secondly, even if that is explainable, when Jesus died for our sins, why was that not the end of the story? Jesus sacrifice has enabled us to have a relationship with God again, why now make faith a requirement? Surely Jesus came to do away with requirements?

Basically, why make it so difficult? Not that He is not justified in doing so. I am not angry or frustrated that we have to have this faith, It is totally justifiable. He is God, and besides look at how much he has done for us! How can we even think about questioning some tiny little requirement He has of us? In a sense, I am not questioning it, more questioning why it is necessary.

We are told that God is able to do anything. This is a fundamental belief which I understand and agree with. We are also told that God really deeply desires a close relationship with us. (Something I struggle with a bit more as you know from my previous entries). If both of these are true, then why make it hard? why not make it easy? Why put an obstacle in the way?

John Ortbergs 'God is closer than you think' series talks a lot about how much God desires a relationship with us. How much He loves us. He uses the illustration of the picture in the Sistene chapel of God reaching out His arm, stretching out with His whole body trying to reach us, and all it requires is a little lift of our finger to meet His outstretched arm. Beautiful! BUT He is not bound by anything, He is God, He is not stretching out to His full capacity because that is infinite. He doesn't 'need' us to lift our finger, He could reach us anyway, and if that is what He so desires, then why doesn't He?

I know I have left out free will, but that little lift of our finger is not simply an exercise in free will - 'yes God I do want a relationship with you' - I exercise my free will and say 'yes please'. The 'little lift' often requires huge sacrifice, huge cost. Basically 'huge faith' (Huge is relative - i know its nothing in comparison to what we owe!)

Once again, I am not bitter about the need to have faith, I know it may sound like that but I am not. I am simply trying to work it all through in this logical brain of mine!

Theory vs Practice - Truth vs Grace

Last Friday I attended a churches together event, (which was great – I am always challenged about tunnelled vision at events like that – but that is worthy of another post one day!). The speaker for the evening was Joel Edwards – the head of the evangelical alliance. He spoke really well about the need for a balance between grace and truth, particularly in reference to evangelism. I will give the basics of what he said.

The two concepts, grace and truth, are both massively important elements of the Christian faith, and both should be emphasised and adopted in the living out of our faith. However, it is so easy for us to let these get out of balance. Many Christians would often find themselves very passionate about presenting ‘truth’ to the world, and when truth is being questioned or ignored would take that as an invitation to fight. Others would recognise that people need love and care, and would keep their focus on the people and their feelings rather than on imposing rules and regulations.

What is the right way? To grab people by the throat forcing them to listen to the gospel until they accept Jesus as their personal Saviour, or to accept that they have a right to choose their own lifestyle and belief system and never challenge that, possibly at the risk of them never hearing the truth? Truth vs. grace.

As a Salvationist I have to say that in theory, my inclination is towards truth. I am very passionate about my beliefs, and about presenting the truth to a world that seems to me to be spinning out of control. I often find myself in church, or in my quiet times, or even just in general living, wanting to beg and plead with people to listen to the gospel and am so desperate (inside) for people to grasp how vital and important this is. I also feel very passionate about our Christian responsibility to fight for social justice, to heal the broken hearted, to feed the hungry, help the poor, care for the alcoholic and the drug addict, love the prostitute and visit the imprisoned. I am also anxious that none of that is worth anything unless we are also praying for their souls and pleading with them to accept Jesus as their Saviour. As I write this, I can feel the burden inside me welling up. I want this so badly, sometimes it makes me want to cry.

And yet what a hypocrite I am. What do I do in my life that displays any of this passion or commitment to fighting for the truth? It plainly and simply isn’t there for public display, meaning that I am not actually doing any of that stuff. Can I even want it as badly as I think I do if I am not showing any of that desire in the way that I live?

When I questioned why these two, (theory and practice), do not tally I came to the conclusion that it is because 1) I am too scared, and 2) I live in a society where acceptance is the key. Everyone is fine with everyone else’s choice of belief system as long as nobody pushes anyone else to believe the same thing. People don’t tend to react well these days to forms of attack on their lifestyle choices, and so we have to work within these boundaries. I hate confrontation, and I hate anyone thinking badly of me, so I tend to err on the side of keeping my beliefs and lifestyle choices as my own, and never questioning others about theirs.

In a sense, both of these characteristics are good in themselves in some way, but Joel Edwards pointed out that there has to be a balance. Truth and grace come as a pair, we cannot separate them. If we do, the impact they will have is massively reduced. So how do we do it? How do we balance truth and grace?

Joel emphasised the fact that Jesus was the perfect role model in terms of keeping this balance right. He was passionate about the truth, and showed it, whilst also being gentle and kind and loving. He didn’t let people get away with living badly, (don’t the Pharisees know it), but he also loved them into changing. Joel used the example of the woman caught in adultery by saying that Jesus challenged the woman’s behaviour, but in a way that was not accusatory or caused her to be defensive. On the contrary, his dealings with her caused her to change her lifestyle.

So how can we follow his lead? This is where I get stuck. We were encouraged to live ‘curious’ lives. To live in such a way that causes people to ask questions. Great! But how do we do that? What does that mean practically for the way I live? I am so desperate for people to understand how much more to life there is than what is in front of them, but how can I help them to see that without pushing the gospel down their throats and causing them to run a mile in the opposite direction? How can I be gentle and caring with people without missing an opportunity to speak truth into their hearts? I don’t know how to be curious! Plus, how can we know when we have the balance right? Do we only have it right when we see results, because if so, then I have it so badly wrong!

Scepticism

Ok guys - the introvert lets go for a moment and opens up to the world. Here goes...

I have recently become very concerned about how easy it is as a Christian, surrounded by other Christians, to never think about what my faith looks like to a non-believer. I do not mean, "how good a Christian am I?" or, "do my actions show that my faith is genuine?" I mean it more in terms of actually what do people think of me when they hear that I believe in God, and that I have "given my life to following Him"?

I realise that what other people think of me is not important, and in all honesty, I don't really care if they think I am strange because I believe. I am going to believe anyway, stuff them. It is more that I hate the idea that they would pity me. I hate the thought that some people might look at me and think, "poor girl, she has been taken in. Why can't she see that she is believing in something so illogical". I guess it stems from the fact that I have been educated in very scientific and exact subjects. There is always an answer, and the world makes logical sense. Everything has a pattern and an order and just fits in place. And for me, I need to know that I have the right answer. I need to know that what I do is "right"; that the formula I used is the most logical one, and that it gives me as accurate an answer as possible. To be honest faith is not like that. Believing in God doesn't always make logical sense.

I guess there are some who would fight against that point, and in some ways I would too. I mean, when you look at the vastness of the world - the moon and stars; when you hear a storm, or experience extreme weather in some way; when you see a newborn baby, or the beauty of nature; when you look at how the human baody was formed so perfectly to allow us to live and move and breathe and communicate; how can you not think that the world had a creator; someone who thought all this through. Surely this is a much more logical explanation than...there was a big bang and it was all suddenly there!.

But, it is more the experiencial side of faith that concerns me. The trouble is, nobody can prove or disprove anothers experience. Expereince can be explained away very easily, and is often doubted and met with scepticism. For instance, if I met someone who told me they had just had a conversation with an alien I would look at them as if it was them who was from another planet! I simply would not believe them. I think some of my previous posts look at this idea in greater detail, (Chance or Not?) but what if some of the things that we Christans say we have experienced are actually just in our heads as some non-believers would suggest. What if answers to prayer are in fact products of coincidence.

I have this problem mainly when it comes to the idea of hearing God's voice. Its easy to talk about calling. Its easy to say, God has told me to do this, that or the other, but what convinces us that is actually God? Are we positive we are not deluding ourselves? What if it is all in our heads, just like it is with the people who see UFO's etc? The trouble is, these people who believe they have seen all these weird and wonderful things like UFO's, totally believe that they have. They don't doubt it at all. What if we are just falling into the same trap?

A friend of emailed me a link to this article:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,564-2428935,00.html

Have a read, if you get a chance. It describes my questions much more eloquently, (but much more like fact than questions). The article is quite long so if you don't want to read it, here's a flavour:

Individuals in asylums think they are Napoleon or Charlie Chaplin, or that the entire world is conspiring against them, or that they can broadcast their thoughts into other people’s heads. We humour them but don’t take their internally revealed beliefs seriously, mostly because not many people share them.

Religious experiences are different only in that the people who claim them are numerous. Sam Harris was not being overly cynical when he wrote, in The End of Faith: “We have names for people who have many beliefs for which there is no rational justification. When their beliefs are extremely common we call them ‘religious’; otherwise, they are likely to be called ‘mad’, ‘psychotic’ or ‘ delusional’... Clearly there is sanity in numbers. And yet, it is merely an accident of history that it is considered normal in our society to believe that the Creator of the universe can hear your thoughts, while it is demonstrative of mental illness to believe that he is communicating with you by having the rain tap in Morse code on your bedroom window. And so, while religious people are not generally mad, their core beliefs absolutely are.”

I want to just stop scaring you all for a moment. I do not doubt the existence of God. I still absolutely believe in, and love God with all my heart. I guess I am just questioning why I do, mainly from the perspective of how I can convince others that I am not delusional. How can I convince them that there is universal truth and God is it? Also, from a personal perspective, how can I know when I am hearing God's voice and know it is not just my mind playing tricks on me.

This response I found very useful, and totally agreed with:

"There is more than enough evidence around to prove whether God exists or not in creation. But what about feelings such as love? Or, how does the human brain store so such vast quantities of knowledge? Gods ways turn human logic upside down. It is impossible to understand him without the spirit within. And to get that, you need to invite Jesus into your life and Christians cannot do that for you. Obviously you can only do that if you believe He exists in the first place, otherwise you won't recognise the answer when it comes. Skepticism will see to that. We all know the scripture "Behold, I stand at the door and knock" etc, so don't just take our word for it, ask Him yourself. Answer the door. You will be pleasantly surprised and wonder why you wrote such a diatribe against the one person who loves you more than any human could ever do." David Hunt, Bristol, England

I know I am not deluded for believing. I know I believe in a God that exists and is present and active in our world. I cannot be moved from that. I know that both because I choose to and because my eperience tells me so. I guess I just need to learn to trust my own experience and not listen to others when they question that and tell me that I am mad or delusional. Sometimes, or rather always, I am just so thankful that I am on God's side of these arguments. I don't understand or know how to answer all these questions. But he knows all things and one day "at the name of Jesus every knee shall bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." Philippians 2:10-11

Just before I sign off for today, I would like to mention two things.
1) Glyn's latest blog entry is very related to this one - thanks Glyn for the inspiration!
2) Look at how consistent my blogging is - three per month! Couldn't have planned it better if I had tried!

Thanks for reading. I will revert back to introvert-ism soon I promise!

Diving In

On Sunday we had the next in the series of sermons regarding God being closer than we think. This third part relates to living with God today. The sermon, I have to say, was very inspiring and the message clear, but I came away with one puzzling question; "What does it mean to 'dive in'?"

Let me give the context: Richard started by reminding us of all the things we knew so far; God wants to be close to us, and can be with us in each thought, each activity and each moment of our day. Sometimes though, we have days where God seems far away, or where we deliberately push God away, or where we have got a bit stuck in routine and may have 'spiritually habituated'. When that happens, how do we react to it? How do we go about re-discovering God's closeness?

Richard mentioned a few of the things we may try to do: Adding extra disciplines to our routine, trying harder to ensure we get a quiet time, and maybe making it longer, or changing its structure, reading more books, etc. Eventually, we can end up simply trying too hard. (There are many other things that Richard mentioned that people may do in this situation, but I have forgotten them so will update this when I find my sermon notes!). Often we find that whatever we try to do, just simply isn't working.

What if we could find God right now, live with God right now, today, in this moment? Maybe we need to stop trying so hard and just, "dive into the river of the Spirit of God".

He said it much more eloquently than this of course, and it really was powerful. The question is, how do you simply 'dive in'? I have asked a number of people about this and had some interesting answers. For example, its about recognising that we can feel and sense God's presence even just when we are doing the mundane things of life, and in having fun etc.

Someone else said that it was more than this, and mentioned something about a character change, and said it was different for different people. But he didn't really have time to qualify what he meant by that.

Surely 'diving in' requires activity. To dive is a verb - a doing word. But what is it? What do we do? How do we dive in.

A friend of mine (you know who you are) would probably say something about it involving 'resting' in God. (and no I am not implying laziness!), but how do you do that? And is it really about resting? I am not convinced of this either. Plus, I try to rest in God by making sure I spend time being still and trying to imagine God with me. But 1) should I really need to imagine, and 2) surely I am back to trying hard. (Oops, this is getting personal again!)

Someone else (again, you know who you are) would tell me its about making a choice - but I really don't want to get into that here. (Refusing to go personal!)

Am I just confusing the issue? Is there even an answer, or do I just have to wait and see what 'diving in' means for me?

Rainbow Moments

Reading blogs has become one of my favourite pass times. I love reading peoples reflections on things that go on in their lives, whether those reflections are light-hearted or on the deeper side. I simply just love hearing people's stories. I mentioned to someone recently that I am aware that some of my posts on this blog are becoming more personal, and that I am keen to get it back to being more generic, but I am questioning that decision. I have noticed - particularly recently - that I am actually a very private person. Not about all things as I do tell people what's going on in my life, but I don't really like sharing my deepest concerns and feelings. Maybe nobody does, and maybe its just because I have had more of those recently than ever before, but at the end of the day I am, no doubt about it, an introvert. As I said, I love reading about other peoples thoughts and feelings, so was beginning to question whether I should be more prepared to share mine, but I don't think it is wrong to be introverted. My decision therefore is that I will keep most of my feelings out of this blog, but will share the occasional personal story, if I feel it is worth sharing. I have had one of those today, so here goes:

As you are already aware, we have been going through the "God is closer than you think" series at Romford recently. The latest things we have considered is how God is active in our world, and how we can have different types of days according to how much we see God. John Ortberg refers to some of these days as "rainbow days"; days where God seems to be right there in front of you, so close to you. I haven't had many of these days lately, but last night and this morning I had two stunning "rainbow moments".

Yesterday night we were at worship band practice, and we were singing a song, the words of which I love, and it was just one of those "wow" moments. The words to the second verse and chorus are:

Who has told every lightening bolt where it sould go,
Or seen heavenly store houses ladened with snow?
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light,
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night?
None can fathom.

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and you know them by name.
You are amazing God.
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim,
You are amazing God.

Then we sang, "How great is our God". Need I say more!

Then this morning I was on my way to work, and all of a sudden I saw a flash. I thought it was a camera at first, but then realised that was unlikely as I was stuck in traffic driving at 10 miles an hour. In fact, it was lightening, and suddenly I was driving through the most torrential storm. I love storms - it was kind of scary as I couldn't even see the car in front thanks to the rain, but I was so struck by the power and glory of God. Then, as it calmed down, and the sun was beginning to show its very orange face I wondered if there was a rainbow, and sure enough, to my right was that unmistakable sight. The promise of God that He is always with us. It was slightly hidden by the clouds, but it was there, no doubt. In that moment, I was just really overcome with joy, and felt so close to God. I guess you could say I was overwhelmed by His majesty. It was just so fitting that we had been singing those words the night before. It was almost like God was saying, I am going to show you that what you are singing about is true. So I sat in the car by myself - no music playing and just sang that song back to God in true heart-felt worship.

I feel a bit funny having shared that, its like I am giving something of me away. But I hope it is encouraging to someone. God truly is closer than I often think.