A rather unsavoury image!

Ok, so its unusual for me to put anything unsavoury on my blog - I don't even like thinking about it, but this has really wound me up today so I felt burdened enough to need to share it!!!

I have discovered a new pet hate! When people think its a good idea to talk on their mobile phones whilst in the ladies toilets! WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS?!?!?!?!

Seriously, as if I am going to be able to feel free to 'go' when someone is on the phone in the next cubilcle! Its completely 100% wrong!

Sorry for the image!

Trust Your Instinct???

I have a question...

Do you invariably go back to the first way of doing something?

I am trying to write a technical document for work. I am not massively exerienced in this. I have written many couresworks in my time about mathematical things, so one would think I should be quite good at it. It appears I am not! I think its because this is actually about something real, not something contrived for the sake of a grade!

Anyway, the point is this: When I first started putting anything down on paper, I made a good start at describing what I had been investigating. After about 2.5 hours of working on it, I re-read it and decided I didn't think the structure was particularly helpful. So the next day I started again using a different approach. I liked this appraoch but it became a bit too detailed so I tried again, this time starting top-level. It wasn't long before I realised that this method was inadequate as well so I gave up on it for a while to do other things. Today, after about a weeks break, I have had to pick it up again and, re-reading all three attempts, I realised that the first one was the most useful.

Isn't this just so often how it works out? Is this a lesson in trusting my instincts?

A Useful Exercise - Part 1

As you may have noticed I have had writers block for a while. I have started a few blogs, but nothing has felt right. Today I finally had some inspiration. I was writing in my prayer journal this morning, and one of my Christian work colleagues asked me about it. I realsied that I have been writing journals for a long long time. I don't always write in it every day, and it usually happens in phases, but I have boxes full of these journals because I have kept every one.

I was asked about my Christian journey last week, and I found it very difficult to describe. I realised today how much of my journey is contained within those journals. So I thought it would be an interesting exercise to read back through some of them for two reasons:

1. It will remind me of the way I have developed and how my spiritual life has been shaped over the years.
2. I will find many prayers that have been answered, or situations I have been through which will have had some sort of resolution.

As Christians we often talk about how 'it was only years later that we realised we had to go through that.' I hope to maybe uncover some of those mysteries through this process. Also, I have often used poetry to express my feelings when I dodn't know how else to. This is a more recent development, but I think that there can often be resolutions and lessons learnt even within a short space of time. So I decided to re-read these as well..

I decided that there may be ocasions where I would like to blog about some of the lessons I have learnt or some of the thoughts I had, partly because it will be nice to share some of these things with my friends, and partly because, who knows, maybe one day they may help someone. So...

My poem blog http://kirstys-poems.blogspot.com has a list on the right hand side of the poem titles contained within the blog. Its interesting reading down the list and noticing the themes (they are glaring obvious!) One such theme is that of waiting. (See 'Waiting', 'Stuck' and 'What to do'). The one I would like to pinpoint today, I have copied below.

Nothing But Wait.

There’s nothing to do but wait
I can’t control this
I don’t own this
Or do I.

Is there more to do than wait?
Do I control this?
Do I own this?
How can I?.

Is there more to do than wait
Or nothing to do but wait?
Do you wait for the right conditions
Or do you act knowing the conditions could never be right?.

The resolution

I acted knowing the conditions may never be right.

Was this the right thing to do? I guess only time will tell...!

Friends? ...At Work? ...Surely Not?

I love my job. I actually do. Its sad I know, but I love it. There are times when things go wrong, there are times that it can be frustrating, and there are times when it can be stressful (2008 at work has so far been pretty much all these things!), but I can't deny that I do enjoy the work I do.

So why is this? Well on one hand, I do actually enjoy the work itself, (simulation modelling of the London Underground lines for those who don't know - or some would call it praxis(?)!). But another bonus is that I really get on well with my collegaues. I am part of a great team of people, and I love working with them. However, this week I have had a bit of a revelation! I have always known that I am a relational person, and also rather dependent. I need people. I like having friends around. I prefer having really close friends who you know a lot about than just having lots of aquaintances. There are a lot of people I would call good friends, and some of these are in my workplace. BUT, after a couple of recent conversations I have started to realise that not everyone sees it that way. It appears that a number of my colleagues would class their life 'in work' and their life 'out of work as completely seperate entities. They claim to be a different person outside of work, and even question the possibility of having real friends at work. They would claim that people at work are colleagues and nothing more.

What is frightening, is that some of these people are the people I would call friends! I guess it depends on how you define friendship. What makes someone a friend rather than a colleague? I don't think this difference in definition will affect the relationships I have with these people at all, I just find it very interesting how people can have very different perceptions of the same thing!

So I am interested...is it a 'woman thing' to like to have friends at work and a 'man thing' to not need (or think they don't need) friends at work, or is that too big a generalisation? Is it more about personality than gender, or is it, simply, just about definition?

Hope 08

First of all I should say congratulations to Glyn, who not only managed to top my blog list, but also managed to be the most frequent blogger that has ever appeared on it. Not only that, but each one was his own work, not some clip stolen from you tube as seems to be the fashion these days!

So 2008 is finally here! 2008, the year of hope. Firstly, on a personal level, 2008 is going to be a year of hope for me. 2007 is behind. It is in the past. It may still affect me and things from 2007 may still haunt me from time to time, but 2008 is here and I am making a change. I am having an Epiphany if you will! I want 2008 to be about God not about Kirsty Caffull. I want to live for God this year. I am not naive enough to think that its just going to happen like that because I have decided it will, but its got to be a step in the right direction, right? I am going to seek God's will about the decisions I have to make. I am going to try hard to stop being prescriptive about the things I want to happen for myself, and start to ask what God wants from me instead. (Sounds good doesn't it - one can hope!). Seriously, I am going to try.

Secondly 2008 is a year of hope for our corps. Its the year we are going to get back into our building. I guess there is going to be a lot of work that needs to be done in order to make sure that we put it to good use, and that we actually do give our building back to the community - the whole reason for the refurbishment in the first place. But there is hope. Hope that we can be changed as individuals, and as a family by the spirit - and given the wisdom to know best how to meet the communities needs. Could this be the time for revival in Romford? Maybe, maybe not, that is up to God, but we can be ready for it, and pray for it and listen to what God wants and act on it. 2008 can be a chance for us to make a real difference.

Lastly - 2008 is a year of hope for all the people who will be affected by the work of the churches participating in Hope 08. This is an opportunity for them to get to know the church living out its calling, refusing to allow people to believe their sterotype that all Christians are hypocrites. 2008 is a chance for them to meet God and to develop a relationship with him. Its an oportunity for them to let their hard hearts be melted, and to feel the living reviving touch of God. Because I for one know the living reality of the goodness of God.

Most importantly, 2008 is a year I am dedicating to prayer. I will be praying every day that these hopes turn into a reality. Here's to 2008!

(schloer!)

Loneliness

I was listening today to the song, 'It's the most wonderful time of the year'. I love this Christmas song – it's one of my favourites just because it has such a feel good factor about it. However I am sitting in my flat, alone, and realising that for some, this is most definitely not the most wonderful time of the year. Christmas is in your face for the whole of December, you can't avoid it. It's celebrated on all the radio stations, on all the T.V shows, and every town centre. I guess those for whom Christmas is hard or lonely will be reminded of their loneliness everywhere they go. I have always tried to remember that some people will not be having a Christmas like mine. When we were younger and Mum and Dad were CO's we often spent much of Christmas day at the Army helping out with the Christmas lunch for those who had nowhere else to go. On other occasions we had some people come and join our family for Christmas dinner at our house. This was very long ago now, and I don't remember that much about it. I hope that I was gracious about this and didn't moan too much. I hope I could appreciate that there were people who needed to be loved and cared for on that day more than ever. I hope I understood how blessed I was and I hope I was happy to share that blessing with those less fortunate. I honestly don't know if I was any of that. What I do know is that it is a long time since I have had to make sacrifices like that on Christmas Day. I hope one day I will be gracious enough to go and look for opportunities to do that again.

I once read a book called 'Second Choice' by Viv Thomas. The book was written to try to help Christians to understand that even when the world they live in, and the circumstances they have to face, are not their first choice, there can be untold blessing in that world. Take for instance my childhood Christmas days. It may be that having strangers at my families Christmas dinner was not my first choice, but there is something so special about giving. When I look back at those times, I think about those people and wonder whether spending their Christmas with us actually helped them to enjoy the day more. (It's possible – my brothers were much younger then and not half so annoying!!!!) I really hope so. If it did then even now, the blessing of that second choice for me lives on in the knowledge that my very small sacrifice gave someone else some happiness.

I find this a massive challenge in the situation I find myself in today. I often feel like I am living in a second choice world. I guess many will not have to read to far between the lines to know what I mean by that. I won't spell it out! Sometimes in the midst of living in a state of 'second choice' it is so hard to think that it can be of any benefit to you. Sometimes it feels that all it brings is unhappiness and discontent. Sometimes we don't even want to think about the fact that it might be better for us, or even that something good might come out of it, because we desperately want our first choice. I am trying to learn that if I sit and wallow in the fact that I am not living my first choice, (woe is me!!!), then I won't even get any blessing out of the second choice world, and neither will anyone else. I am a bit of an 'all or nothing' girl and so I often fail to realise that 'nothing' is not better than 'something' even if that something is not 'everything'. If a glass isn't full, it might as well be empty, forget this half full / half empty nonsense! I want to embrace the place I find myself in, so that I am able to use that to be a blessing to others, and maybe even find some happiness for myself. But embracing something when you can't see beforehand what benefits it might bring, is hard. Embracing something you have always wanted to avoid is hard. Embracing something when you know it is going to hurt, and hurt badly, is hard.

This sounds really depressing, and it's nearly Christmas so I don't want to end it on a sad note, so I will also say that I can't wait for Christmas. I love it. I love going carol singing with the youth on Christmas Eve. I love the raucous singing, the laughter, the friendship. I love seeing people I love as we go from house to house. I love Christmas day and being with my family. I love going to church and remembering who and what this time of year is actually all about. I love celebrating that on the day itself. I am going to love seeing Lee and Tracey and baby Oliver on Boxing Day, and will love having my Nan to stay for a few days. I will enjoy spending New Years Eve with my wonderful church friends, and bringing in the New Year with the people I love the most - including God!

Happy Christmas everyone.

Yay!

I have Christmas decorations in my flat! Now it officially feels like Christmas. My family came round this afternoon to help me, and I have to say, it looks lovely sitting here in my lounge looking at my Christmas tree. In true 'Kirsty's flat' style, the tree has red and silver decorations on it, with red lights. My balcony has lights on it - one of the few in my block of flats that has, so if you are driving past, look out for the bluey coloured lights. Thats my flat! I have been somethat reserved with the rest as I am a minimalist when it comes to decor, so there is not a massive amount of 'stuff', but just enough to feel Christmassy.

Now I know that there are a lot of people that really don't like Christmas. I completely understand the annoyance with the commercialisation of the season, but I love it. I love the 'happy' atmosphere that seems to appear at Christmas. I love the willingness of people to let go and have fun for a while, to share gifts and be excited. Most of all, this year, I am really beginning to sense the hope that this season brings. This was exemplified by hearing Rhydian singing Oh Holy Night on the X factor, becasue I really noticed the words:

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of the dear Saviors birth
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till He appeared and the soul felt it's worth

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

Fall on your knees!
Oh hear the angel voices
O night divine,
O night - when Christ was born
O night divine,
O night - when Christ was born

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand
So, led by light of a star sweetly gleaming
Here came the wise men from the Orient land

The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger
In all our trials born to be our friend

He knows our need,
to our weakness no stranger
Behold your King, before Him lowly bend
Behold your King, your King, before Him lowly bend

Truly He taught us to love one another
His law is love and His Gospel is Peace
Chains shall He break for the slave Is our brother
And in his name all oppression shall cease

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we.
Let all within us praise His holy Name

Christ is the Lord, then ever, ever praise we
His power and glory evermore proclaim
His power and glory evermore proclaim

I could probably write a blog post for each line of this song, but I just want to highligt one that caught my attention today. 'Till he apeared, and the soul felt its worth'. This line contains so much depth. And what's more its still true today. Souls are still finding their worth today, as they discover Jesus. They are finding their worth, not in themselves, but in the love of God - who chose to give up His glory for a time to let us know that we are worth something to Him. That He wants us to be with Him for eternity, and that He is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to allow us to be there. That is the worth of each soul that Jesus appears to today. That is the worth of my soul. And your soul. I don't want to be a cynical, grumpy person this Christmas. I want to sing those words and feel their meaning within my own heart and soul.

Thank you God for thinking we are worth something to you. Thank you for giving yourself up for us, for walking on this earth with us, and for showing us how to live. Thanks for loving us, and for your incredible gift of eternity with you.

Behold your King!