Let go and grow?

Ok, I am sitting here at work going crazy because my brain is trying to figure out how to conflict a junction correctly so that trains don’t collide on the Bakerloo line, at the same time as trying to think about how to get trains into service first thing in the morning on the Jubilee line. So rather than allowing my brain to explode, I thought I would take a break and write a blog.

I have a question. (Does that surprise anyone?!) I am most likely going to be blasted for overcomplicating this again, (and after Sunday – you’d think I would have learned!) but I have to ask my questions – it is part of who I am. So here it is:

When we talk about ‘letting go, and letting God’, is it not possible that we may be doing this, when actually the right course of action is to do something. I hear the point of view that sometimes we just have to relax, but for me, I just don’t know how to do that, without also forgetting my own responsibility. There is something I have had playing on my mind for a long time now, and I think about it constantly. I have just recently been blocking it out of my mind for a while, and trying to stop analysing it, and asking ‘why?’, (is this letting go?). The trouble is that I am worried that is going to lead to acceptance of something that should really not be accepted – and actually needs to be changed. (Does this make any sense?)

So how can you ‘let go’, and yet still grow? (I’m a poet and I didn’t know it!) If we let go, do we just end up accepting the status quo? (Oh look – I did it again! – sort of). Do people get my point? I know that the idea was that we are to let go of our control and give the control to God – but I just don’t see what that means practically. How can you let go, and yet still take responsibility for your spiritual growth?

Ooh – I kept it relatively short too! Well done me!

Build it anyway?

You can spend your whole life building

Something from nothin'

One storm can come and blow it all away

Build it anyway

You can chase a dream

That seems so out of reach

And you know it might not ever come your way

Dream it anyway

God is great

But sometimes life aint good

And when I pray

It doesn't always turn out like I think it should

But I do it anyway

Do it anyway

This word's gone crazy

Its hard to believe

That tomorrow will turn out better than today

Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart

For all the right reasons

In a moment they can choose to walk away

Love 'em anyway

God is great

But sometimes life ain't good

And when I pray

It doesn't always turn out like I think it should

But I do it anyway

You can poor your soul out singing

A song you believe in

That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang

Sing it anyway

Sing it anyway

I sing

I dream

I love

Anyway

(Martina McBride - Anyway)

I heard Martina McBride singing these lyrics on American Idol today, and it immediately impacted me. First of all because it mentioned God and was being sung on American Idol, but after that, because of the attitude it encourages. I think it is a beautiful and very powerful song. I can imagine it being many peoples 'life anthem' in that it really speaks to them and produces in them some sort of application for their lives. But I had to stop and just think to myself, 'hang on, it sounds good, but do I actually agree with these lyrics?'

I re-read these lyrics, and added to the end of each phrase the question, 'why?'
Build it anyway - why?
Dream it anyway - why?
Pray it anyway - why?
Believe it anyway - why?
Love them anyway - why?
Sing it anyway - why?

As a Christian, I know that sometimes, even when we can't understand, and even when we don't know the answer to the 'why' question, faith requires us to believe anyway. And when we pray and God seems to be ignoring us, faith requires us to pray anyway. Also, love is something we do, not because of what we get out of it, but just because we do. I know all that, and so if this can be true for those things, then why not for 'dreaming', 'singing', or 'building', (whatever that might mean metaphorically). But again I have to askthe question, why'?

Take dreaming for instance. 'You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach, and you know that it might never come your way.' What is the point in dreaming for something that in all likelihood is going to end in disappointment? Or building - You can spend your wole life building something fom nothing, but one storm can come and blow it all away. If you know that - why bother building it?

I told someone last week that I was in a very Ecclesiastical mood, in the sense that I am with Solomon in his frustration at the meaninglessness of life. We could build, dream, pray, believe, love and sing, and enjoy doing those things, but what does it actually achieve? Do we feel better? Maybe, yes. Although not always because the crush of disappointment can hurt like crazy, but maybe for a while, the positivity and hope represented by these lyrics can make us feel better. Someone once said to me, 'I don't know why we are here on this earth, but we are here, so we might as well enjoy it.' Is that it? Is our whole purpose in life just to make ourselves feel better about being here? To try to find some smidgen of enjoyment in an otherwise rubbish life? Is there something more? Does hoping, building, praying, believing, loving or singing change anything? Do we do these things to mask the rubishness of life, or are they worthwhile in themselves. Are they things we should do because they change the world or because they make us feel better? I guess my question really is, 'what is the meaning of life'? How often throughout life will we have to come back to that question before we truly understand the answer?!

Gambling - Whats the limit?

I want to start by apologising. I had a really massive topic I wanted to blog about following this mornings meeting, but I had a long talk after the meeting with someone I trust and I have decided to hold off on it for a while. I have lot to think about following that discussion, and most of it too personal for here. So instead I am blogging about something rather different to the usual. (And it may seem stupid and trivial).

My brother and his girlfriend are currently collecting the McDonalds monopoly stickers, and seem to be doing relatively well. For those of you who are not aware of McDonalds latest marketing ploy, they have created a makeshift monopoly board, and their drinks (and other products) have pull off tabs on them, which are the various properties you find on a monopoly board. The idea is that you collect as many of these properties as you can. If you complete a set, (e.g. you get both greens) then you have a chance of winning a variety of prizes.

Rowan and Naomi have one of the greens and are waiting for Bond Street to appear. McDonalds will give away £100000 to three people who manage to get both of the greens. Clearly this is not a guarunteed prize. The chances are obviously very slim. Anyway, they were telling me tonight that they had two 'Park Lane's'. Park Lane is a purple and so is a good one to have (in theory) and so I made the suggestion, (although it was all meant to be just a bit of fun), of puting it on ebay. It seems other people had this idea too.

Quite a few people are selling these tiny little tokens on ebay. We found someone selling 'Bond Street' for £2. (With free postage). Now £2 for a token might seem steep, but Ro pointed out that you would pay more than that for a McDonalds meal. We were laughing saying maybe we should do it, until it was pointed out to us that this was actually gambling. I agreed, (reluctantly) that actually yes, it was gambling, but others I spoke to did not. So me being me, I looked up the definition:

"Gambling (or betting) is any behavior involving risking money or valuables (making a wager or placing a stake) on the outcome of a game, contest, or other event in which the outcome of that activity depends partially or totally upon chance or upon one's ability to do something."www.wikipedia.org

So is buying 'Bond Street' on ebay gambling? Does it risk money? Well - yes I suppose so, although buying something like that doesn't feel like much of a risk. Maybe because £2 doesn't seem that valuable these days. But, in theory, it is still risking money, however small the amount is. Is it the outcome of a game? Yes. Is it based on chance? Yes! So I guess in theory it is gambling.

Naomi says: To get Bond Street without buying it on ebay, I would have to spend lots of money on McDonalds before hand. Therefore, surely by using ebay we are risking less money, (and reducing our risk of childhood obesity).

However, the point remains that this is gambling. But how far do you take this concept? Would buying McDonalds and then using the token to try to win money be gambling? No in theory because you are not risking money - you are spending money on food and the token just happens to come as a 'free extra'. But what if you bought a McDonalds because of the token. Surely then you would be buying the token, and the meal would come as a free extra. In that case, buying the McDonalds would be gambling. Would people say that was wrong? How far do you take it. How lenient do you become before you draw a line? Is it a slippery slope? Should we therefore reject involvement in all such competitions? Would you send off a completed crossword puzzle for a competition for example? Surely you are risking the price of a stamp?

I know it may sound like a silly point to be thinking so much about, but don't you think its right that we should know where to draw the line? What do you think? Is it gambling? What would you do?

If anyone has a bond street token that they don't mind giving away, we would much appreciate it. It would save the hassle of trying to be morally right, without being legalistic and ridiculous!

So what do we do?

After being inspired by a very good friend of mine recently, I started looking a bit more into the concept of trade justice, in order to try to find out if I could do more to help. I made a decision. Not a massive one, a very little one in fact compared with the vastness of the issue, but a decision none-the-less. My decision; to buy only fairly traded chocolate from now on. That means no more Cadbury's, no more Galaxy, at least until they bring out fair trade varieties.

I went into work one day this week and my colleagues were talking about Easter and why it has become so commercialised, and so chocolate-oriented. As part of this discussion I mentioned my decision. The discussion then turned towards fair trade, and I was told by a colleague that fair trade was a farce in any case. This has opened a can of worms, and I am frustrated and confused and in need of a bit of clarity. I am very un-politically and uneconomically minded, and so all of these discussions overwhelm me a bit, and I don't know where to find my place or my stand in it all. Those who know me well will know what a frustrating place that is for me, so if anyone can help, I would be most grateful.

The basics of it as far as I can see is this: Fair trade promises the initial producers of the products, (coffee bean farmers for example), a fair price when trading for their goods. Generally, this means that the price of fair-trade products is higher, but one would think that was a small price to pay for giving people a fairer deal. I may be simple, but that sounds great to me. Apparently not!

The Economist says this: "The low price of commodities such as coffee is due to overproduction, and ought to be a signal to producers to switch to growing other crops. Paying a guarunteed Fairtrade premium - in effect a subsidy - both prevents this signal from getting through and, by raising the average price paid for coffee, encourages more producers to enter the market. This then drives down the price of non-fair trade coffee even further, making non-Fairtrade farmers poorer." Voting with Your Trolley - Economist.com, Dec 7th 2006

It also raises another objection as follows: "Retailers add their own enormous mark-ups to Fairtrade products and mislead consumers into thinking that all of the premium they are paying is passed on...Fairtrade coffee is used by retailers as a means of identifying price-insensitive consumers who will pay more." Voting with Your Trolley - Economist.com, Dec 7th 2006

To be honest, these arguments do seem to have a lot of logic in them. The second argument certainly has the lesser impact on me personally. I find it annoying that companies are using this to make themselves richer and trying to come accross as ethical when really they are just being greedy, but the point is that regardless of that, the producers are still being given more money for their product, and at the end of the day that is why I buy it. I can't make all the corporations less greedy, but I can buy a product which helps a poor farmer to provide for their family.

The first argument, however, stunned me into silence. What it says, in effect, is that me buying Fairtrade may help some farmers get more money, but it is likely to make others even poorer. I can't handle that. I don't want to do that, I want to help not hinder.

I want to be honest now - so here is where I am at. I read those articles on the train, and for the rest of my journey home I had to fight back tears. I was so frustrated that the only response I could make was to cry, and I couldn't even do that! This may seem like an exaggerated reaction, and maybe it was just an emotional day in general yesterday, but this is what I do. I often feel very passionately about an issue. I will be stirred into very strong emotions by something like this. It makes me so mad that there are people in the world who don't have access to clean water. It breaks my heart that there are people who live in poverty and struggle to provide for their families. It drives me crazy that I live in such relative luxury. I wonder if it is possible to care so much that you become of little or no use. If it is possible, then I think I fall in that category, because these things break my heart, and yet I do nothing. Why do I do nothing? Because I don't get it. I don't know how to help. I don't know how to make things better without making them worse.

On one hand I want to fight against what these articles are saying. Delve into them to find inconsistencies and false arguments, so that I can feel free to make my chcoclate choice again. But I have to stop and ask myself why. Why am I so annoyed that these articles might have an element of truth to them. Why does it leave me feeling so utterly gutted and useless. The honest answer is that making a small decision like that made me feel better about myself. It made me feel less guilty. At least I could say I was doing something or trying. Well, I'm sorry, but that is not good enough. This choice is not meant to be about me. It's meant to be about those poor people in the developing world. It's meant to be about actually transforming lives, not letting myself believe I am helping and ignoring all the warnings I get that say that I might not be, just because I want to feel good.

But then I am left with this question: What do I do then? Some people are convinced that the best way to help is to vote for the people that promise to do something about fair trading, and other ethical issues, (such as human trafficking). The problem with that is that politicians are so clever with their words. They can make you think that they are promising things but hide the loopholes and leave us all massively confused. I don't get politics, I am not clever enough, but I want to help so desperately.

I sometimes wish you could 'see' feelings. They are so hard to describe, and this issue for me brings out a lot of them. I want to ackowledge them and use them for good, but they can be so powerful that the only thing I can do is try to surpress them and simply let them go, because I do not know how to respond to them in a better way. Does anyone else have this problem? What can we do? And how do we know that what we end up doing is actually helping long term, and not just making us feel better or less guilty in the present?

Statistics

Ok, so to make it fair, I have actually analysed the statistics. Sorry people, but I just couldn't leave it being 'my own perception'. I had to make sure it was right. So the list is updated, according to the following rules:

• The statistics are based on blogs since 1st March 2007 and up to (and including) 1st April 2007
• The list is based on a 'days per blog' scheme, (Dividing number of blogs by number of days in the period under consideration) - so for those who started (or restarted) blogging within this time period, the length of time of blogging has been accounted for.
• Every single blog post is included. Some people cheat and put three blog posts in one day! (Matt L) but each of these is still included because I couldn't think of any other fair way of doing it!

The statistics are as follows:

1. Matt Leeder - blogged on average every 3.56 days. (Helped by the three times in one day and huge amount of blogs that were simply hyperlinks to other sites!)
2. Richard Borrett - blogged on average every 3.67 days, (but has only been re-blogging 11 days! Well done!)
3. Dawn Watson - blogged on average every 4 days, (sorry Dawn you were overtaken by a recent surge!)
4. Sarah Tomkinson - blogged on average every 4.57 days
5. Ann Borrett - blogged on average every 5 days, (but has only been re-blogging for 10 days)
6. Amy Pinwill, Becks Hills, Andy Hill - blogged on average every 6.4 days
7. Liz Hall, Bec Goldsmith, Glyn Harries, Matt White - blogged on average every 8 days, (Liz that's not even one a week! Come on! - Matt, sorry but Glyn blogged twice in one day!)
8. Verity Hill - blogged on average every 13 days, (but V has only been blogging for 13 days! That's just one post!)
9. Claire Tomkinson, Richard Wright - blogged on average every 16 days. Falling behind!
10. Rach Bishop - blogged on average every 32 days. That was once in March. Rach - you may well blame this on course work, but come on! Once a month?! At leat that's better than Jo's once since November I guess!

Anyway. That's it on the blog-list front. Back to normal blogging very soon. I can feel lots of questions brewing!!!

My 'Other Great Blogs' list

I know, I know, another new post. But this one isn't really real. Its just regarding my blogger list!

I have been very excited by the lengthening of my 'other great blogs' list in recent days. Previously removed blogs have been re-entered, and are currently performing very well!

Since the ongoing discussions in Andy's blog about where people are on his list, I decided mine needed a bit of re-working. Whilst I liked Andy's idea of listing the blogs alphabetically, I didn't feel that copying it was the right way to go. Instead I have come up with my own system. The fairness of it is up for discussion!

I have decided that the more frequently a blogger blogs, the higher up the list they go. Now, in all honesty, I haven't sat there and analysed the statistics regarding the frequency of blogs, since I am currently at work and meant to be analysing the statistics of the Jubilee line! Instead, this has been done quickly according to my perception.

It may be unfair in the sense that there are a couple of more recent additions to the list, aka the Borretts, who have previously not been high on a blog frequency chart, but suddenly seem to have found their form, and are perfoming very well. Whereas, previously high performers who have recently had a lull, have been moved below them.

If you feel you position is disputable please let me know, I will do my best to handle all complaints fairly and equally.

Lessons from the Footie

Hang on a minute, I wrote a post 5 days ago and now I am blogging again? What's going on? That's quicker than some of the more frequent bloggers. Something incredible must have happened! Well it did, (of sorts). I went to see Man U play Bolton at Old Trafford on Saturday, (yes, groan, I am a Man U fan - sorry peops, but they are clearly the greatest team ever!). Firstly, just to say I had an amazing time. I have only ever seen a football match live at the stadium once before, and that was also Man U at Old Trafford when they played Lille last season and drew 0-0 in a very boring game. Saturday was an entirely different story. With the final score at 4-1 (though the 1 was from a very dubious penalty!), it meant I got to see lots of goals, and join in the cheering.

Along with the fun, I did also learn a few things, and I have listed some of them below:

• That Christiano Ronaldo is every bit as gorgeous in real life as he is on the TV.
• That knowing someone who 'has contacts' is always beneficial. We had incredible seats! Seriously incredible. I could see every litle trick Ronaldo did, (he is also a genius football player!). Dale turned to me at one point and said, 'I can even hear the sound when they kick the ball'- we were that close!
• The meanings to some words I didn't even know existed, (and think I would have preferred that it had stayed that way - but never mind!)
• That 'Ooh aah, Cantona' fever is not yet over, (seriously, they sang it!)
• That the name of God is a very precious and beautiful thing, and worshipping that very name is a beautiful thing to do.

The last one seems a bit out of place, I know, but I truly did come away with a renewed sense of what it means to worship, and a greater desire to praise my God for his awesomeness. Why? Well, here is the story.

Ryan Giggs had just run down the wing, twisting and turning around defenders, and created enough space to take a shot on goal. (He didn't score from it, but that is beside the point). Following that the crowd burst into song, just singing, 'Ryan Giggs, Ryan Giggs, Ryan Giggs' over and over. When you watch football on the tv, its easy to forget that the players are real people, with real personalities, real lives and real emotions. I guess they are used to it, but the fact that they would be standing there, hearing their name being sung like that stuck me as awesome. I turned to Dale and Dad and said, 'that must be the most amazing feeling, standing out there on the pitch and hearing thousands upon thousands of people singing your name. Can you even imagine?' Then I realised, that is what it must be like for God when His people truly worship his name. Our worship can be that beautiful - and more. We can be part of thousands upon thousands of people all singing God's name over and over, simply because He is worth it. Not forgetting that we join with the angels in doing so. What an immense privilage. We can give pleasure to God through our worship. Woah!

Part of me wants to leave it there. To say that I have been taught that worship is a real privilage. To be inspired by that lesson, and to let this post be nice and positive and a breath of fresh air. But another part, since Sunday night, wants to develop this a bit further. To question why all the beauty and wonder of the above is not my daily experience. I feel that it is important to question this, to try to see whether that could become my daily experience, rather than letting it remain a distant hope, and a nice thought. But, I think I am going to need to keep returning to the original inspiration for this post. Reminding myself that worship can be beautiful and shouldn't be hard or a chore. It is simply a privilage.

So, why does my worship fall so far short of the above? Could it simply be because I am scared of what people might think? The culture of my church is one where people will sing heartily enough, but there is no other kind of expression of true joy in the Worship of our Father. I am not saying this judgementally, I know that often what is in people's hearts is very genuine and very real, but there is no denying that when it comes to the physicality of our worship, we can often be quite sombre, half-hearted and energy-less. I wonder why. I wonder why it is so easy for people to let loose at a football match but not in church. If it is simply fear of other peoples reactions, and what they will think of us, is that right? If one or two people decided to not let that bother them, and to simply worship with all that they are, would others follow suit? Would we care if they didn't? I think this plays a major factor in why our worship is not as expressive as one would hope, but I think there may be more to it. Certainly, from a personal perspective, if I was as awe-struck by God as I ought to be, then I think I would be much more abandoned to worship.

Last night in the discussion group after the meeting, we read the following scripture:

"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." Acts 2:42-47

Are we truly 'filled with awe'? If not, why not? Would we be more awed by God if He was doing more? (Sorry, back on that subject again!), what about if we shared more of what God is doing? I get really excited when I hear of or see somone else expressing their faith. It seems to be one of the things that brings me heartfelt joy, when I see another follower wanting to delve deeper into the Bible. When I see someone praying, quietly, without it being part of a service, or without them being asked - but a showing that they truly do talk to God and have a real relationship with Him. When people tell me stories about how God is working in their lives. When people go to the mercy seat, or I see people crying out to God. When I see someone truly praying for and caring about someone else, and bringing them before the Lord. When I walk round someones house and see loads of little God reminders - fridge magnets, Bible verses, cards, bookmarks, etc, all of which speak of God playing a massively important role in their lives. The only way I can desribe that feeling is that I get all scrunchy inside. Often I just simply don't know how to express it, but really need to. Maybe thats what we need to do - talk to each other more about what God is doing. Be honest with each other about how much we love him. Be vulnerable in sharing our love of God and passion for Him and His Kingdom with each other.

But I don't know that that is the only answer. I think there is more to it. Do we lack awe because we don't exhibit the same things that those early disciples did? That passage says, "They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer." Are we truly that devoted to God? That devoted to the teaching we receicve? Should we be trying to take more from the sermons. To not just listen to them, but to act on them. Maybe even take notes, and revisit what was said over the next few days to try to actively be devoted to the teaching. The breaking of the bread is obviously a difficult one for those of us in the army, but what do you think? Would we be more awe filled if we practiced communion? What about prayer? I think I know many of the people at my church well enough to be confident that people do pray by themselves, but what about corporately? How often do we do that? In my experience, corporate prayer has been exciting and invigorating. Praying with others has increased my own passion, and my own excitment. It has helped me to pray for bigger things that I sometimes dare to on my own. It means I pray about other things - less selfish things than when I am on my own. Is there a chance that we are missing out on the awe because we are neglecting the prayer?

Sorry, lots of questions. I think a lot of this has to come from me. If I want greater experiences in worship, if I want to experience the joy of singing God's name over and over at the top of my voice simply because He is worthy of it; if I want to feel and know that I am joining with the angels and all God's people around the world when I worship; if I want this to become a daily reaility in my worship experience rather than a distant dream, then I ought to not worry about what people think of me, and also, I ought to be more awe filled. That probably means devoting myself more to God, to the teaching I receive, and to choosing to act on that teaching; being more devoted to the fellwship and most importantly to PRAYER.

What do you think? Is this possible?