Seek Ye First

Black & White?

2009-07-05T22:45:00.003+01:00

I seem to be undergoing a personality transplant! I am trying to work out whether its a good or bad change, and there seem to be very mixed opinions on it. However, I am trying to remember to not be so absolutely obsessed with whether other people think I am doing the right things and thinking the right things, so right now, I am kind of allowing myself to explore this potential 'new me' to see whether she is ok or not.

Truthfully I know we wont ever change who we are, though we might change the way that we view the world, and that seems to be at the root of the changes in my life recently. I think it can mostly boil down to one main subject area and that is Black & White Thinking.

For most of my life I never even realised how black and white my worldview was. I have always been very careful to know what I think is right and what I think is wrong and to act accordingly. I have held fast onto most of my principles and have been very careful to always try to remain above reproach. (In fact - being 'above reproach' became one of my favourite phrases a while back - I think this proves my point). It was actually upon entering the world of work - the secular world, where I became aware that 'black and white' was such a full definition of who I was. It has been pointed out to me time and time again by people at work and sometimes even church friends, and mostly it was not seen as an altogether good thing. People have also pointed out to me that maybe I just need to relax, not be so intense all the time, but chill out and stop thinking so much.

I guess I never really believed I could do that, and maybe, in some ways, fearing the need to change actually caused me to become even more like that, and I ended up getting myself into some pretty sticky situations.

At my last cell group, we talked about the concept of black and white thinking. It occured to one member of our small group that when they were a child, they would never have watched T.V on a Sunday, because that was considered 'wrong'. Now, they would not have an issue with it. Its interesting how our concept of 'right and wrong' can so easily shift with the cultural changes around us. For someone who has always reveled in absolutes, this is quite a scary thing to acknowledge. In principle I would believe that if something is wrong, it is wrong, regardless of what the culture looks like at the time. However, there is no denying that our opinions and principles do change over time. Even mine have!

Its scarier when it starts to affect how you see yourself as a person, and how you see your future panning out. Its scary when you always thought you would become a certain person, and then you realise that maybe that's not what you want after all. What do you do when your own happiness starts feeling like it is contradicting the person you believe yourself to be. When it seems you can't be that person AND be happy so you have to choose one or the other.

My point is that I am finding that as I get a little older (not old yet) and as I spend more time outside of the little Christian bubble I often find myself in, there is a whole world of grey areas just waiting for me to experience them. I am scared of venturing into those grey areas because of the fear that I am turning my back on the person I always believed myself to be, and the fear of getting it wrong, and the fear of the disapproval of others. I guess I have always NEEDED to know that I am ok. I have always needed confirmation that other people think I am doing the right thing. I have ALWAYS needed other peoples approval. I know that I need to start listening to and trusting myself, but that is really scary when you don't even know what is right and wrong anymore. When the black and white edges of life seem to have blurred. How can I know whether I am doing the right thing in a world of grey?

Now I anticipate that at this point a lot of you will be reading this and thinking, 'you can know what is right and wrong - the Bible should be your guide', and I know and understand and believe that. There are many things in the Bible which to be honest are black and white and which are rocks that are unmovable. They will always be principles I will stick by. However, I think that there are a lot of areas in which the Bible is a little bit more ambiguous. I can know this simply by the fact that many a very clever theologian have debated and studied and researched the Bible and yet come to very different conclusions about a lot of the issues raised. People interepret the Bible differently to other people, and it is that interpretation issue that makes the black and white all the more grey.

I have recently been toying with the idea that maybe we are a lot more obsessed with knowing what is right and wrong - with finding the black and the white than God is. I think ultimately what God wants is a relationship. The first and most important commandment: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart mind and soul'. Similarly, when Jesus was on earth he shattered the Jews very carefully planned out and structured law. For them black and white was the rule of their lives, and Jesus was the one that introduced the grey.

I guess ultimately what I am asking myself right now is, should I venture into the scary world of grey in spite of my fears of being wrong or of others disapproval or should I stay here, in the security of the black and white, but potentially miss out on the most amazing experiences that life (and even God) has in store for me? Is God in the grey? How can I know whether he is offering me the grey areas, or whether he is asking me to sacrifice them? How does one ever know the difference?

Clothed in Righteousness

2009-06-14T21:53:00.007+01:00

I haven't really been feeling very eloquent recently - particularly in my thoughts regarding faith - however something really struck me in this mornings meeting and I really wanted to blog about it so here goes.

The first song we sang this morning was 'And Can it Be?' After singing it we spent a few minutes just looking back over the words we had just sung. To be honest - I usually do that anyway - or at least think about them an awful lot while I am singing them, so I had already done this. When Ann asked us which line or phrase had particulalry struck us I knew mine straight away. The words to the last verse are below; my phrase is picked out in green:

No condemnation now I dread;

Jesus, and all in Him, is mine;
Alive in Him, my living Head,
And clothed in righteousness divine,
Bold I approach the eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.
Bold I approach th’eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.

Clothed in righteousness. Why did it strike me? Well to be honest I feel kind of dirty and dressed, well, not in rags, but maybe scruffy jeans and a baggy jumper. You know - the kind you wear on a sofa night when you want to hide from the world and certainly don't want anyone to have to see you dressed like that. Trying to picture yourself standing before the King of King's clothed in righteousness and claiming the crown is hard to do when you know you're such a mess.

The Bible reading for today was Colossians 1:15-23. I have read these verses many times before, and they have always felt important, and I have always understood what they meant and agreed with them. But today they were made alive for me. In the light of what I have just said, take a look at this (from verse 20b):

He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of Christ's blood on the cross. This includes you who were once far away from God. You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions. Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has bought you into his own presence and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault. But you must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don't drift away from the assurance you received when you heard the Good News. (NLT)

Once again the poingnant bits for me are picked out in green. Ok - so this is nothing new - no new wisdom is being envoked here, but I wanted to extract some thoughts from my own mind. Being a realist and having a very practical mindset I can't cope very well with concepts I can't apply directly to life. So I always immediatly look for how scripture or sermons or books or songs etc affect my life. Today, to do that, I had to try to picture myself standing before God and being called holy, blameless and without fault. That is so hard to do, and to be honest - it made me feel a bit sick. It frustrates me a bit because that should be a joy to read. It should make me smile and laugh and be filled with contentment, but all I feel is sick and bedraggled and useless. I have questionned myself time and time again as to why this might be, and the best answer I have come up with so far is simply because I want to deserve it. I know I never can...but...

Don't get me wrong. I am so grateful to Jesus for what He has done and for what that means for me eternally, I guess I just feel unworthy of that grace - but more than that, unworthy of living up to the response that I know that should provoke in me. If God has done something so amazing for me - surely my response of faith and love (that spring from the hope I have received - Colossians 1:4-5) would be to all out live for God, holding nothing back -sacrificing my all to live for Him and to please Him in all I do. Despite my own desires and my own agenda. Why do I feel unworthy of living that life? Honestly - because I know the truth of Colossians - I believe in it, and yet, giving up my own dreams, my own desires and my own selfish hopes, still makes me feel lonely, sad, dissapointed and yes, a little bit resentful.

I once wrote this:

'hearing that God is closer than you think is not always the comforting message it ought to be. It is in fact a bulldozer that shatters an otherwise quite comfortable view of God being distant and un-involved in our individual lives.' (See here for context)

Maybe that sounds like a terrible thing to say, but honestly - I think it is so often true - certainly for me. Sometimes God's truth hits you in the face like a ton of bricks, and whilst its great news - its also shattering at the same time.

Honesty

2009-03-08T20:25:00.008Z

This is a difficult post to write, and I will most likely regret it. I guess I just have some stuff to get off my chest. Tonight our worship was focussed on Peter's confession of Christ. Jesus asked him the question, 'who do you say I am?'. I say that Jesus is the Messiah, the Christ, the Saviour of the world, my Saviour. I am and will be eternally grateful for what He has done for me, the grace He has shown me. Additionally I believe two fundamental things about God.

God is completely loving
God is completely just

However, there are some practical things about that which I just don't get - which I really struggle with. I noticed a lot of them tonight. There are three main ones I want to discuss here:

God gives us strength.

One of the main focusses of tonight was God's strength. There was a time of testimony where people were able to express ways that they felt God's strength in their lives. I love testimony, its so nice to hear what is going on in the lives of the people I worship with. Tonight though, someone mentioned that there are times where they feel really frustrated about situations, but when they remember God, even in those situations an incrediable peace comes over them and they are able to get through anything with God's strength.

The problem is there was a time in my life when I decided to do something a bit different and I found it incredibly difficult. It was emotionally crippling for me. I struggled through every moment of every day during that time. I prayed a lot and read my Bible morning and night, and prayed so hard with tears flooding down my cheeks that God would give me the strength to get through it. To get through the next day, or at least the next hour.

I hate putting it so bluntly, but I have to be honest and say I never felt that strength. It became more and more difficult for me and I had to give up. I don't think I have ever really got over that. I just don't get it. Why do Christians find it so easy to say 'God gave me the strength'? Am I the only one who has had an experience where that doesn't seem to be the case?

I love God and I don't want it to seem like I am questionning Him. Over the years I have talked with people about this a few times, and there are a number of possible reasons for this happening that have been discussed, but I don't want to make excuses for it. I don't want to be someone who says they believe something and then makes the circumstances fit. I want to be able to talk about my faith from my experience, not from what I believe in spite of my experience.

God gives us what we need

I wont go into this one too much. I guess people who know me well will know what I mean by this - and those that don't can probably guess. Its just hard sometimes when you say you believe that God gives us what we need, but there is something you really struggle to be without. You try to rememeber that all that you really need is God, but then you end up feeling guilty for wanting something that you don't really need. (Especially when there are so many people in the world without even safe drinking water). Then other people tell you that actually its ok to want it, and then you just get confused. I guess what I am trying to say through all this babble is why do I say I believe that God gives me what I need when I feel the way I feel without it?

God's light breaks through the darkness

I do believe this. I truly do. I guess sometimes the eternal truth of that statement is hard to see when you are trying to live in the present. Sometimes the dark times go on for such a long time, its hard to see any light breaking through, or even when it will. Singing songs about it is so emotionally difficult when in the here and now you feel so different to that.

I guess I have really openend myself up here and let out some of my most poingant feelings and now I feel a bit vulnerable and dont know whether to post this or not. I don't want this to be a woe is me type blog. I guess I just don't know what to do with this stuff anymore, and I think most of the people who read this are good enough friends to not judge me for it or think less of me. I am sorry for this -I just refuse to be fake, and sometimes I feel like a hypocrite singing these songs when I feel like this.

Snow Day

2009-02-02T18:35:00.002Z

Well what a lot of snow!!! I decided to blog about it partly because there have been a lot of things today that have made me laugh A LOT!

Firstly, as I metioned on facebook, it made me giggle how a flurry of snow bought the Country to a halt. I wondered how other places cope with this type of weather. When I lived in Germany, we got heavy snow much more regularly than this. Having said that, I would like to stand by London Underground and show my loyalty (!!) .

I am sure there are many people who have been really frustrated by the snow, who have had some really important things to do, but were unable, or things that were made really difficult because of the weather. I guess there are lots of people who have been really affected with accidents and so on too. I don't want to gloss over that and pretend its not important, but I want to celebrate the snow today.

I never planned to go to work today - I was having a 'work from home' day anyway, so my plans were pretty much unchanged. (Yes I have been working!) I have been looking out from my balcony today and looking at the beautiful white-ness. There were a few snowmen in the car park at my black of flats, I saw a fair few snowball fights, (it seems my neighbours were throwing snowballs from their balcony - that may be a bit mean but ... still!!)!

It is amazing how something a bit 'different' causes people to act differently. I wondered over to Asda today and everyone I met on the way smiled at me. People have been having fun. I have heard loads and loads of laughter. EVERYONE has been on facebook!

It just made me think - with everything that is going on in our Country at the moment - the credit crunch, the fear over loss of jobs, and so on and so on, its nice to get a bit of a break from it all. It seems like, just for a moment, the country was able to enjoy itself again for a while. Maybe that's a bit twee, but it really encouraged me today. We often talk about the need to stop for a while - to take time out and just refresh. I think that, for some, is what has happened today.

It reminded me of how much I need a spiritual 'snow day'. In all honesty the need to spend time with God, just taking time out with him, has been the theme of many many church events I have been to recently, and I have heard but not heeded the message. Its about time I did. Its about time I stopped and enjoy God for a while.

I am going to sit on my sofa now with some hot water (not a hot water bottle as my flat is 23.5 degrees without me having put the heating on...I had a big thick jumper on and was actually sweating!!!), and read (and hopefully finish) the Shack.

Happy snow day!

Perfection - Part 3

2009-01-01T21:55:00.011Z

The Impossibility of Perfection

I ended my last post by suggesting that Jesus ethic of perfection, as found in Matthew 5:48, is not practically applicable, certainly whilst on this earth. If the answer to the question, 'how perfect is perfect?' is 'Jesus', then I think the Bible quite clearly shows us it is a standard we will never reach. In fact, if I think back through the life of Jesus, it is absolutely incredible how He lived His life, and how He died His death. We don't know all the details of every day of His life, but we know that when He was tried (unfairly) and murdered (unjustly) He didn't complain. He didn't fight back. He was hurting - physically, emotionally and spiritually (think of that anguished cry - My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?), yet he took it all upon Himself. He saw it through - He did God's will in spite of what that required of Him. How can I even begin to think about trying to reflect that sort of perfection?

So if it is impossible to achieve this perfection on earth, why does Jesus ask us to? Is it about trying to even though we know we wont fully achieve it. Is it about always steadily trying to become more and more holy (perfect) as we live our lives? Is this part of our purpose? To become holy, or at least, as holy as we can before we leave this earth?

The Case for Imperfection

I have been part of the evangelism cluster group at my church for a while now and I have found myself increasingly wondering why it is that people would refuse to enter a church. I have found that there are numerous reasons, and though it may not be the most common reason, I have certainly heard it said that people sometimes look into a church and think they could never belong. Why? because apparently everyone in church is sorted. Now those of us within the church would certainly know that is not true - but do we sometimes give that perception?

Thinking about that made me think about what people would think of me upon looking into my church. I am quite involved in my church. I lead a cell group, I am part of the songsters (senior choir), I am a salvation army soldier and I wear a uniform, I am part of the evangelism cluster and the worship band. I think anyone who really knows me knows that I am in no way 'sorted'. Very very far from it, particularly right now, so I would hate to think that anyone would look at me, and think to themselves that they could never be that 'sorted' and so would never belong.

This makes the case for not being afraid to show, or at least admit our imperfections. Are we too British? Do we try to keep our 'business' to ourselves too much? The truth is, I don't really know what to think. I was recently told by a non-Christian that my faith was obviously not working for me bearing in mind some of the things I am dealing with right now. If I hadn't have told this person about some of my failures and rubishness, they may still be under the illusion that my faith is 'working', but then I would be in danger of falling into the trap of making Chrisitanity - or church - look un-approachable.

I think its always the right thing to do to be honest, but at the same time, does that necessarily have to mean telling everyone everything about your life? If you are grumpy one day, should we hide it and pretend we aren't and that we are full of the joy of the Lord? (especially if we are helping to lead worship - I do sometimes have this problem being in the worship band!)

It seems whatever you do it is wrong - either you are sharing too much and therefore being unhelpful to other people in their worship, their experience of faith (or indeed their introduction to faith), or you are not sharing emough and making people think that Chrisitans have no problems and are therefore completely unapproachable.

Writing this has helped me to think about it a little, and I think I may have reached a few of my own conclusions:

Being honest doesn't have to mean telling everyone everything - it means telling the truth when asked. Pretending to be someone you are not isn't the same thing as not telling EVERYONE EVERYTHING about who you are. (True or not?)
Those people who think that Christianity is something they couldn't look into because they aren't perfect enough, are bound to meet a Christian in their lives. Hopefully, this Christian in their life would be someone who was close enough to them, and honest enough to show them that that is not true. If that is their perception, it must be because they have never had an honest, deep, one-to-one with a person who has experienced the grace of God in their life.
Maybe sometimes, trying so hard to be perfect, or trying to be honest about our own imperfections, however genuine the motive, is actually being too focused on ourselves. If I try instead to focus on God and on others - to think of myself less, I will worry less about what perception I am giving off; less about what other people might be thinking of me, and more about them and God.

In all honesty, I wonder if number 3, in essence, is part of the process of becoming more holy. I don't think I will ever achieve number 3 whilst here on this earth. But I can certainly make an attempt. So maybe attempting to become holy is not about me - but is about how much I think about God and others?

Perfection - Part 2

2008-12-19T20:50:00.003Z

Does God Expect Perfection?

Its interesting actually that the comments to the previous post follow the same train of thought I have been on. I want to start this post with the passage of scripture that first inspired it:

"Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:48

For my Christian Theology A level I had a piece of coursework based on this passage which asked whether Jesus' ethic of perfection fails the test of practical application. I need to try to dig this essay back out again to find out what I thought back then. Now, having a bit more of an understanding of myself and who I am, I have been really trying to work out how there can be any common ground between passages such as this, and the advice that people often give me reminding me that aiming for perfection will always lead to disappointment.

I remember that one of my conclusions was that perfection will never be reached while we remain on earth, but that should not stop us from keeping that aim as a backdrop to all we do in life. However, I now know that the desire for perfection can seriously be damaging to your self esteem and so it seems that passages such as the above should be considered carefully before staking your life on it.

Both of the comments made I have considered too. Could this mean 'be the best you can be' rather than 'be perfect'. The problem I have with that is that it is not what the scripture says, and also, who is to say what 'the best I can be' is? How can I or anyone else say whether I have reached that goal or not? I do agree that we need to define what Jesus might mean by perfection. I tend to think that perfection means being the best at everything, and always doing the right thing. But if to fulfil the above scripture I have to be good at art, or dancing, or directions, then I might as well give up now!

I like the idea of comparing today's (or at least my own) idea of perfection with holiness. Surely that is what Jesus is talking about; living totally surrendered to God's will and being pure and righteous, not being good at art! I read up on it a little bit and found the following quote:

"God’s perfection means that God completely possesses all excellent qualities and lacks no part of any qualities that would be desirable for him." Wayne Grudem

This brings us right back to Dawns comment about us being as perfect as we are meant to be. I guess that my concern about how to define what perfection means for me can be answered simply by 'look at Jesus'. Surely the answer to the whole question of what perfection means is 'look at Jesus'.

So, does this fail the test of practical application? Actually yes, it does. But more about that in the next post! I know! You can't wait right?!?!?!

Perfection - Part 1

2008-12-17T23:39:00.007Z

Before writing this post I want to acknowledge two things:

Its been ages since I updated my blog. I have neither posted any new thoughts, nor updated my 'friends wot blog' list. Glyn was most upset about this after his astounding success of blogging every day not too long ago, and so because of that, Glyn is now at the top of my list. I will endeavour to update this properly in January.
The lack of recent posting means that this topic (perfection) could turn out to be be very long. My posts are always long anyway, let alone when I haven't blogged for a while; so to try to not bore everyone to death, I have decided to split this up into (at least) three blog entries. This one will talk about 'me and perfection' (not that I think the two belong together), the next will talk about whether God expects perfection, and the last will talk about the perfection to come.

Me and Perfection

I overheard a conversation the other day where someone said, 'its not about perfection is it!'. This comment was made in relation to a carol service for the community put on by our church. I, somewhat facetiously, said, 'oh yes it is, perfection is everything'. Actually, in all honesty, I probably didn't say that, I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was certainly a comment suggesting that we should always aim for perfection.

I DID mean that tongue-in-cheek. I don't really think that a church carol service has to be perfect - I was genuinely joking. However, it did raise the point that I do have a bit of a perfectionist streak in me. I think I have mentioned on here before that I hate being called, or especially calling myself, a 'perfectionist'. If I was asked to imagine what a 'perfectionist' was like, I would immediately think of someone who was nearly perfect, and hated that they weren't quite there. That is the image conjured up in my mind when people call me that, and yet I am so far from that. I don't in any way think of myself as anywhere near perfect. I am not a perectionist because everything I do is always perfect, but because I HATE that it isn't. I know it may seem trivial to make this distinction, but it is really important for my understanding of who I am.

WHy do I say all this? The next couple of posts will say more about this, but the point is largely this: I think being a 'perfectionist' can cause all sorts of problems, and I am often being reminded that no-body expects me to be perfect, but I really struggle with the idea of not striving for that. I do want to be perfect, and I am not sure that I agree that I should start to tell myself its ok to be less than that. Not that I think I am, or ever will be, anywhere near reaching that goal, but surely its not wrong to strive for it anyway; to strive to be the best we can rather than excusing ourselves for being less than that and therefore never reaching our potential?

Like I said, I will expand on this thought in a more spiritual context in the next post. I guess this might come across as defensive, but I don't mean it in that way; these are genuine ponderings of mine, and I am not trying to make statements, of right or wrong, merely trying to work out my own issues in this area.

Old Post 2 - Chance or Not?

2008-09-03T16:10:00.006+01:00

Ok, second in my series of old-post re-visits. You can see the original here or you can read the context below:

The original post was basically asking the question, "how much of what 'happens' in the world is attributable to God - does chance exist? If not then how can we make sense of some of the things that happen in the world?"

The comments I received were extremely helpful. They pointed me to Job to see that God was sovereign in that situation. He had ultimate control. He didn't do those horrible things to Job, that was Satan, but God was in control of it.

I also made the following comment in my blog,

"I am toying with the thought that maybe, just maybe, this is supposed to be a bit ambiguous. Maybe we are supposed to not really know exactly how much control God chooses to exert over the world in which we live. Would us knowing actually make any difference to the way we live? Surely, even if God does leave some things to chance, we can still pray about it, and trust that God knows which situations to take control of and which not to? It would help to know, (and maybe some people think that they do know the answer to this - maybe I am just a bit thick!), but I guess that its part of our responsibility to just trust despite the fact that things seems confusing. Its a case of choosing to trust despite the ambiguity"

My current thoughts about all this are that chance does not exist, in the sense that God ultimately does have control over everything. However, the reasons why He allows some things to happen, the reasons why he chooses to heal one person and not another, the reasons why He can let someone die without them being saved and so on and so on......... are still a bit ambiguous. Most people will know that I HATE Christian cliches. You all probably know as well as I do that the answer to why God chooses the things he does allow or not allow are 'always for our own good' or 'will strengthen us' or are 'because we have free will'. The reason why one person gets an answer to their prayer while the other one is waiting and waiting and waiting, is often answered with - 'God answers all prayers sometimes He says no or wait'. That makes me cross though, because it leaves out the way if makes people feel. It's putting a reasoned out conclusion to a person who is often severely hurting, and just wants to be able to cry and be cross about it. I think my final conclusion to this is that I would agree with my own statement - "Its a case of choosing to trust despite the ambiguity". Not necessarily trying to answer the 'why' question because that will almost always leave you unsatisfied, but instead choosing to cry, scream, shout, and then finally, to simply trust. Hard, but probably true! Interestingly, I believe this is what you people have been telling me all along! Ha ha!

What were you doing when...

2008-08-30T00:27:00.005+01:00

Thanks Dawn for tagging me on this one!

Five events and the opportunity to record the impact they had on you:

Princess Diana's death - 31 August 1997

I had stayed at my friend Dom's house the previous night. Dom was getting ready for Church, I was in the lounge watching the T.V. I didn't really understand what was happening but I heard she had died. I mentioned the news to Dom and her Dad when they came back into the lounge and I remember Dom's Dad saying to me, 'Princess Diana, dead? don't be silly.' I doubted myself! But it was true! I think it was unbelievable because I didn't really understand the significance of it. (I never took an interest in the news so I didn't know how popular she really was!) so I just mentioned it in a blase tone - like 'Oh yeah and by the way, Princess Di is dead', so its no wonder it needed confimation!

Margaret Thatcher's resignation - 22 November 1990 It passed me by too!

Attack on the twin towers - 11 September 2001

Well, firstly it was my 19th Birthday! I was working for the summer at the Salvation Army's Territorial Headquarters - opening post! Previously in the day I had been annoyed that I had to turn 19. Somehow, that paled into insignificance...

England's World Cup semi final v Germany - 4 July 1990

I have no memory of this happening. However, it was my brother's (Lee's) 10th birthday (wow, my family have famous birthday's!) so I am sure we were partying for other reasons. Surely Dad must have been watching...?

President Kennedy's Assassination - 22 November 1963

What? When?

Umm, I tag Sarah, Becky Hills and Claire (maybe it means Claire will FINALLY blog again!!!)

My Holiday

2008-08-21T23:52:00.014+01:00

So, I have had my holiday I thought I would give a brief outline of my few days away, so here goes:

Friday 15th

I went to my friend Rachel's pretty much straight from work. We stayed up late chatting (we had a lot to catch up on)

Saturday 16th

I think the picture sums it up!!! Yes, Rachel and I went shopping, and this was one of my purchases! Expect to see it over the next few months!!! Then I went home in the evening.

Sunday 17th

Church. After church, I packed and made my way to Bournemouth to visit my friend Mel. I had a long drive, then we spent the evening catching up.

Monday 18th

Mel was introduced to my gorgeous nephew, as we said a quick hello in passing to my brother and sister in law when they were about to travel back to Essex after visitng my grandparents in Bournemouth.

We then went ice skating, and I am proud to say I fell over twice. I have the bruises on my knees to prove it. Ice skating is actually good exercise. My legs took ages to recover! We then wondered around Bornemouth town centre for a while before going to the pub on the river; where I am also sporting my new jacket! After this we had a girly-DVD night. We watched PS I love you, 27 dresses and Step-up 2. Very relaxing!

Tuesday 19th

We went to my grandparents in the morning and watched some of the Olympics. Then we went to Poole and wondered around the shopping centre for a while. We went to the cinema to see Wall-e. We then went to visit another friend Dr Phil who now lives in Poole and spent the evening chatting and watching Evan Almighty. (I watched a LOT of films!!!)

Wednesday 20th

We went to Brownsea Island on a ferry: We went on a suggested walk, but there wre a number of different 'walks' we could choose from. We accidently kept swapping tracks and so we seemed to do a combination of different routes! We think that we must have walked about 3 miles. That was enough for us! It was a holiday after all. It all adds to the exercise though!!! We didn't spot any red squirrels which Brownsea Island is apparently famous for, but we did enounter a number of wasps!

After Brownsea Island we went for a walk around Sandbanks (The 'Hollywood' of Bournemouth!) and came across the house of my dreams. I LOVE IT! This is going to be my next house - when I marry a millionaire that is! It is amazing: This picture does NOT do it justice!

I will try to fix you

2008-08-13T13:53:00.001+01:00

This is a new topic – not based on a previously discussed issue. I will come back to those, I just couldn’t help myself but blog about this: Beware – its personal!

I have always loved this song (see title) by Coldplay. However, I realised today that maybe we have got ourselves into the habit of needing to fix things, and people. I have mentioned a few of my personal but not particularly serious struggles to some of my colleagues recently and all the time, I get suggestions for how I might be able to help myself to fix them. I notice that I always seem able to find reasons why that ‘cure’ wont work. This then makes me come across as really negative and ungrateful (maybe I am), but most of the time it’s simply because I don’t place much priority on the need for the issue to be fixed. I will give an example: I don’t often take much holiday from work, mainly because I don’t like not having anything to do, I don’t like doing things on my own, and I don’t want to spend money on a proper holiday. Today someone made the suggestion that I try to use more of my leave, and I gave my reasons for not doing so. When people find out that those are my reasons, they always try to find ways to help. Well maybe if you…how about if…you could just… The truth is, they are all very good suggestions, and I would do well to listen to their advice. However, I just don’t really care enough about the issue to bother going to the hassle of ‘fixing’ it. Does it really matter that much if I don’t want a proper holiday? Does it really matter that much that I don’t like doing things on my own. Who says that I should try to change that?

Don’t get me wrong; I love that people are interested enough and caring enough to try to find solutions on my behalf. I love that they want to be involved in my life and want to play a part in shaping my journey. I am incredibly lucky to have some wonderful people in my life who care enough to find out about ‘me’. Because of all of this, I desperately don’t want to shove it back in their faces. I want to show I am grateful, and that I value their advice, but to be honest, I am quite happy with not taking that much leave from work. I know it’s not the norm, and people will say you need to have a break etc, but actually, I don’t feel that this is a problem that particularly needs fixing. I always respond to people suggestions negatively because I prefer things the way they are, but then I end up feeling guilty for not being excited or encouraged by their suggestions and not putting all my energy in to putting the suggestion into practice. Sometimes I think I get tired of trying to become the person other people think I should, or rather can, be.

Does anyone else ever get this?

I know I sound like a brat, and its probably a bit lazy too – but I can’t be bothered to do anything about some of the things that other people think I should fix in my life. There are things I recognise that I need to change. There are some very close friends who are currently doing their best to help me with those, and I am probably just as ungrateful to them too. I know I am in the wrong for that – these things really genuinely do need to change, and I know I need to try harder. But with other things, I just don’t care enough! I guess it’s considered ‘better’ to take a proper break and to be more independent, I just don’t want to make the effort to do that! Do you think I am becoming lazy about discipline?

Why do we always feel like we have to come up with a solution to other peoples so called ‘problems’. What if they don’t want them fixed? I think I can learn a lot of lessons from this in my dealings with other people too. It takes a lot of grace to sit and listen to someone complain about something when you know that they are choosing to stay in that position rather than make the effort to fix it – even for the simplest of things. I guess a lot of judgement is needing in deciding whether its something they should really be encouraged to change or whether its just ok for them to stay like that.

Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!

2008-08-04T01:04:00.003+01:00

There is a real blog underneath this one. Please read it! It is more important! But I got so cross by this link! For some it might make you laugh - for others like me it will simply infuriate you! You need to have the sound on your computer.

click here to be made cross!

Post 101 - back to the beginning!

2008-08-03T23:36:00.003+01:00

It's interesting that the first post I ever wrote on this blog is the one I remember the most. It contains a discussion about one of the issues that has defined my journey over the last two years. I wrote it on July 28 2006 - Now, more than two years on, I still do not have the answers to all these questions, although the questions have altered, and they still form the basis of many other concerns and struggles in my faith journey. The questions of individuality vs community. (Wow, that could be a good title for a series couldn't it???!)

I have often been told my blogs are too long! I have tried, (and failed) to cut them down in length but still keep the granularity of discussion. My failure has convinced me to try a new format. For those who don't have the time or inclination to read further, I have summarised the final question and added some snippets of the original post to help you see where I am coming from. The ultimate questions are: "If the things that make me delight in God are different and opposite to the things that make someone else delight in Him, how can I still claim that faith is not something we can craft individually? I guess it suggests that the 'truth' in itself, will always be delightful. If some people find it's not, is that because we don't understand it properly or because there isn't really just one truth?" and "I know what I think about this, I would stubbornly argue for the existence of absolute truth, and that faith is not about what I want it to be...it is about what it is...and that is determined by God, not my own desires or wishes as if I was in control of my own faith and my own eternity. I guess I just struggle that people I love, and trust and respect don't believe the same things that I do...how does that figure, and how dare I suggest that I know better than them...?"

For those that have the time to read the original (long) post, you can find it here, and you may also want to skip to the 'New Thoughts' section on this post which desribes how I arrived at my final question. (How very structured!!!!) Otherwise, the following snippets should remind you...

Blog Snippets

"Is God involved with our lives on an individual basis? - is he interested in the decisions, choices, and questions that we face as individuals or is he interested more on a sort of community level?"

"It wasn't just about blessing Abraham. These promises served a greater purpose - that of the establishment of the nation Israel - The Children of God...My point is simply that God's dealings with Abraham were not simply for the sake of Abraham."

"Deep down I know that God is a God that gets involved in the lives of us as individuals...and yet...I don't really get why He seems to answer some prayers and not others, whether I am allowed to ask Him for the things I want, or whether I should instead be striving to not care about them any more. I know that I can have an impact on His Kingdom and He does have a plan for my life. I know that - but I know it in my heart, not my head."

Comment Snippets

"In some ways God shows himself to the world and has a relationship with the community of his people the church universal, but in other ways, it is through his people as individuals who have a responsibility to endeavour to grow more like we were intended to be (fruit of the Spirit), so that we can truly demonstrate God and his love and reconciliation to the world at large."

"I also believe that God is, and wants to be, involved in all parts of our INDIVIDUAL lives because each of us contribute to the kingdom of God in our own ways"

"We only praise something that we delight in, that we enjoy, and for us, that delight comes from that personal relationship that we have with God."

New Thoughts

A lot of my thoughts will link to some other posts I am going to re-consider, so for now I will stick to the individual vs community question.

I wonder sometimes whether we have become a bit too easily caught up in ourselves, and have turned our faith into something that we can each craft to our own design. I have been having a few brief conversations recently with people about the existence of absolute truth which I wont get into, but it has stunned me how many Christians would claim that their faith is a very individual thing that may not be 'truth' for other people. I have wondered whether the country's recent obsession with individualism (ipod, i-phone, i-google... need I go on?) has pushed us to thinking that we can design our own lives, our own faith, our own future and our own eternity. I mentioned about Abraham, and the fact that God's promises to him were not given solely for the benefit of Abraham. His descendents became the holy nation, the Children of God, God's chosen people. His relationship with God was not about him and him alone...it wasn't disconected from other people. It happened to him but did not only affect him.

I don't belive that I can design my own reality. I don't believe that I can make my own faith and someone else can think something opposite, and that we can both be right. I don't believe that the things I believe or the things I say or do, exist only within my own reality.

Why am I talking about all this stuff? Because I think it impacts my view of how God works. If my reality is interconnected with other people's, then how God deals with me is not simply about or for me. When I pray, I need to remind myself that there is more to this than just me, more to it than how my life pans out, what my needs and desires are. God is interested in the world, not just in me. However, the comment, relating to the fact that we will praise the things that we delight in, rings so true. I want to distance myself from individualism. I want to stop thinking of 'me' and start thinking of 'us', whilst still remembering that God enjoys hearing my praise, He enjoys my joy and delight in Him, and I shouldn't just make this world about a task to be accomplished. I am also here to find joy in God - corporately and individually. A difficult balance? Yes I think so, because all I said about individualism I still believe. If the things that make me delight in God are different and opposite to the things that make someone else delight in Him, how can I still claim that faith is not something we can craft individually? I guess it suggests that the 'truth' in itself, will always be delightful. If its not, is that because we don't understand it properly or because there isn't really just one truth?

(On reflection, I know what I think about this, I would stubbornly argue for the existence of absolute truth, and that faith is not about what I want it to be...it is about what it is...and that is determined by God, not my own desires or wishes as if I was in control of my own faith and my own eternity. I guess I just struggle that people I love, and trust and respect don't believe the same things that I do...how does that figure, and how dare I suggest that I know better than them...?)

The 100th!

2008-08-01T22:03:00.004+01:00

It's my 100th blog post! Better make it a good one! Hmm...what to write about...

Actually, I thought that the 100th showed that it might be time to go back over some of my old posts and see how things have moved on. It would be interesting to see what lessons I have learnt and what lessons I have yet to learn. I am sure this exercise will highlight to me some issues that I have not yet got sorted in my faith. I hope there will be some I have. I think a lot of them I wont have sorted but I will have been able to put to bed.

Since I have already taken up a lot of space by putting lots of pictures in this blog, I am going to start easy by adding more...

Yes...first blog problem solved...

I HAVE SOME NEW STRAIGHTNERS! Another reason to celebrate!

OH NO!

2008-07-30T09:40:00.003+01:00

My hair straightners refused to turn on this morning! Oh my gosh! What do I do?

I was hoping it was the fuse in the plug so I took them to work with me (I hate to say it, but I had to get the men to tell me what to do to change the fuse!) It turns out it wasn't the fuse. THey are just simply broken.

I guess it shows that I am addicted to my hair straightners!

What a weekend part 1

2008-07-27T17:14:00.004+01:00

I have had a great weekend (which I am classing as starting on Thursday evening for the sake of this exercise)! I have been driving a lot but have had a great time, and in the process learnt a lot of lessons. I will share some with you now.

A bunch of 20-something girls, really can put the world to rights with a bit of chocolate and diet coke! - and can talk ALL NIGHT without running out of things to say!
Its easier to talk to people than I think it is!
I am not alone in my insecurities and its ok to talk about them.
The older generation might have many opinions and attitudes I don't agree with, but they have a lot to teach me and often the frustration is there partly because I don't take time to understand.
Planning usually pays off.
You can go back home without having to go back.
The Salvation Army, for all its faults, is an amazing community to be a part of, and, in general, the heart of the movement is in the right place.
Christians can be really cool people.
The M25 is surely one of the most stress-inducing places in the world!
You can't control everything - and sometimes you have to just shrug your shoulders and say - "Oh well!" Even if it means missing your friend getting married because the traffic will not move!
People who I find quite intimidating are often the people that I can have the best conversations with when I get past worrying about what they think of me.
I should embrace how weird my faith seems to people who don't know God.
I love seeing my friends happy.
Maybe I don't need to prove to people that I think or feel certain things - maybe its ok to actually believe myself without other people verifying it first.
You can improve your life by putting lots of effort into a number of exercises, but that actually God's peace comes through rest - just knowing and loving Him.
God works in mysterious ways!
God works!
Frinds are one of the best thing in the world.

"I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." John 14:27

Performance or Worship part 3

2008-07-19T17:00:00.006+01:00

I just had some musings today. Usually when I write a blog it is because something has been weighing heavily on my mind and I need to splurge! Today, this blog is not like that. I had a few random thoughts and thought why not blog them. So I don't know how this post is going to end up! Scary!

My series on perfomance and worship (if you can call it that since there have only been two previous posts and they happen, like, once every 6 months or something) has created a fair bit of discussion in the past and so I recognise that its not necessarily that simple an issue. In the past, my thoughts have centred mostly around worship through music. Today they are about love. Loving people, I know, is a subject that is so fundamental and which a lot of people feel very strongly about, and I don't intend to squash its importance, or to suggest that I know anything about it really. I am very weak in this area generally, and I need to develop my love for others. In fact, it is because of this that I write this blog. I realise my weakness, and want to love other people more than I do, but the thought of that has sparked questions in my mind (as per usual).

How can we ensure that loving others becomes an act of worship, not a perfomance? We are always being reminded in church (rightly so) of the need to love each other. When this doesn't come naturally, what is the best thing to do? If you choose to try hard to love people, practically speaking, do you not run the risk of putting on a performance. Making it look like you love other people when you really don't?

I was on facebook today nd noticed that I had 11 notifications I hadn't checked. Most of them are rubbish I don't need to know, but today I had a notification telling me I had sent two people some 'Luv'. In all honesty, I don't recall doing that, and without meaning to be cruel, if I had intended to, there would have been others I would have sent it to fisrt (except for one of the people, who though I don't speak to that much actually is a really nice guy and I haven't spoken to for ages and it reminded me of him and I thought, 'yeah, I do want to send him some Luv; to all those out there who have tried in the past to matchmake me - I do not mean this in a romantic way - stop getting your hopes up!). So apart from being concerned that facebook was sending out 'Luv' on my behalf, it made me think - when I send out 'Love' as a Christian, mostly I should be sending it out without realising it - shouldn't I? Showing people I love them by my actions and my way of living, without first making a conscious choice to, surely shows them that the love is real.

Rob Bell once made a comment on one of his Nooma DVD's - 'Sunday' (which by the way, whoever's it is, I still have - make me give it back!) which was that if a husband bought his wife some flowers, she would be so happy and so chuffed that he had thought of her. If he then turned round and said, 'well, it was my duty', it kind of takes the romance out of it. She didn't want his duty, she probably didn't even care that much about the flowers, what she wanted was his heart.

So when loving others doesn't come naturally, what do you do. How do you love them without it becoming a duty. How do you turn it into worship and not performance. I have thought about this a little, and the best answer I have come up with so far is that the more time we spend with God, reading the Bible, praying, and falling in love with Him personally, the more we are likely to naturally love other people, thereby avoiding this whole issue. But what about in the meantime. Is there a difference between 'choice' and 'performance' as in choosing to love someone as opposed to not loving them but making it look like you do. Can you tell your heart to do something? I know you can change your mind, can you change your heart?

WOW!

2008-07-09T23:37:00.002+01:00

Look at this!

Spoken in our time?

2008-07-08T22:53:00.005+01:00

I think you are all going to groan. I am seriously back on the, 'yeah, but...' wagon again. So what has triggered it this time?

We sing a really lovely song in songsters called 'Lights on a Hill'. I love the song, its gorgeous, but it has some really intesnse words. I think I have mentioned before that we are blessed to have a leader who makes us think about the words we are singing. I always think about the words I sing. I can't help it, its the analytical part of me, but sometimes I find myself wondering whether other people do. And if they do, why does nobody stuggle to sing them like I do? Why does no-one question their validity as often as I do? I have got myself all worried about it today - worried that my experience as a Christian is not strong enough to be able to justify what I sing about. Don't worry - its not me doubting my faith - in fact, that feels quite solid right now - its more about me having an answer for the things I sing. Since working in a non-Christian environment I have started noticing 'Christian language' a lot more and have become so aware of the need to be able to have reason behind the things I say I believe.

It was the following words that have inspired these thoughts today:

'You said that freedom was found in the truth.

You promised captives would find their release,

And chains are broken now, lives liberated now.

Your living word has spoken in our time,

You promised peace the world cannot know,

Commanded stillness to conquer the storm,
And hurtung hearts are healed, painful wounds are sealed.
Your living word has spoken in our time.

You said your love was a gift to the world,

A love so great you were willing to die

And guilt and fear have ceased, love and grace increased.

Your living word has spoken in our time.

So we will carry the truth, the truth in our lives,

And honour that truth in our lives

And we'll be lights on a hill for you, salt of the earth for you,

We'll stand and be strong and be bold for you.'

For me when I sing, I want to sing stuff I can really mean, and really feel. I sing the words, 'chains are broken now, lives liberated now, hurting hearts are healed, painful wounds are sealed, Your living word has spoken in our time' but I have to be honest and say that I can't sing these with a heart full of passion, and emotion. I can't give these words my all, or the emphasis they deserve, not because I don't believe them, but because I haven't had that kind of raw experience. Some people say they have had their lives turned upside down by the Christian faith, but for me, its something I grew up with. I connect more with the words, 'Lord you've been good to me all my life'. I don't know anyone who was right on the edge when Jesus came to save them - not someone I have a long-standing emotional connection with, where I can really see the difference in their lives. I hate reducing words like this to the small petty things I experience - God is bigger than that, much bigger and if I am going to sing these words, I want them to be honest and real.

I think the point that I am trying to make is that I feel like I am wasting some incredibly powerful words. I don't like saying things I don't mean, and when I do mean something, I am desperate for people to understand the depth of feeling that goes along with my statements, but with this - they feel like just words. They aren't empty because I know God does heal hearts and seal wounds and break chains, but they are not full of authenticity either because I don't feel it strongly enough for that. For the most part I am OK with singing these things when I feel like this because I believe that they are true...I just worry sometimes, how do I know we are not all doing that. How do I know for sure that God really really really is doing these things. How can I be sure His living word has spoken in our time. How can I know that it is not just generations of Christian language which gets us all hyped up and filled with emotion, but has no real basis?

I guess I am just sighing over the fact that once again, I have never been in an environment where people really need God because they have literally nothing else left. Where God is absolutely everything to them. Here, in this Country, people live their whole lives without ackowledging God and don't in general look or act that different from me.

For me the key word in the song that gives me trouble is that word, 'so'. 'So we will carry the truth'. Why? Because he has healed our hurts, our pain and broken our chains? I think it has to be more than that. If thats the only reason I carry the truth in my life, then I wont be carrying it that enthusiastically, because I haven't had so much pain that I am literally bouncing off the walls for joy at the healing I have received. I carry the truth because of the things I believe about who God is. Not just because of what He has done in this world, or this life. I believe in an eternal God - not one shaped by my experiences, but one who just is.

I don't want evangelism or sharing God's truth to be reduced to the point where we are just offering another option. Something that will make your life easier to bear, or more enjoyable. Thats a materialistic 'advert style' evangelism. God is more than that. Its not like we are selling something. God's truth goes way beyond this world. That's the main reason I have joy in it, because it is about that which is beyond this world. Otherwise how can we make sense out of suffering or harm or evil in the world?

I guess it stems from guilt (as probably most of my questionning does). I feel guilty that I don't sing those words with tears running down my cheeks at the sheer incredibleness of what God has done for me - the wounds he has healed or the chains he has broken. He has done soooooooo much for me - I don't deny that - He gave me hope - eternal hope, because He has saved me from my sin. He has opened up the way of eternity with God for me when I just simply don't deserve it. That I can sing about with tears running down my cheeks because it means something. Its real, its honest, and I mean it with all my heart. But healing my hurts? Not so much. I guess that feeling guilty that I haven't had enough hurts to be healed from in order to be able to sing that song with meaning is a bit backwards. Am I weird?

Wow!

2008-06-22T19:20:00.008+01:00

What a Sunday! I feel like I came away having experienced every emotion under the sun! Well not quite but you know what I mean. It was such a joy to share with Ruth and Chris as they publicly declared their faith and their commitment to God and to our Church by becomming Salvation Army soldiers.

Every time I witness a new enrolment, I come away feeling challenged. The articles of war Salvation Army soldiers commit to are big and tough to live by. Richard got it right today when he said its about being sold out for God. Literally, if I took those articles of war as seriously as I should, would my life look the same? I will let them speak for themselves:

Having accepted Jesus Christ as my Saviour and Lord, and desiring to fulfil my membership of His Church on earth as a soldier of The Salvation Army, I now by God's grace enter into a sacred covenant.

I believe and will live by the truths of the word of God expressed in The Salvation Army's eleven articles of faith.

I will be responsive to the Holy Spirit's work and obedient to His leading in my life, growing in grace through worship, prayer, service and the reading of the Bible.

I will make the values of the Kingdom of God and not the values of the world the standard for my life.

I will uphold Christian integrity in every area of my life, allowing nothing in thought, word or deed that is unworthy, unclean, untrue, profane, dishonest or immoral.

I will maintain Christian ideals in all my relationships with others; my family and neighbours, my colleagues and fellow salvationists, those to whom and for whom I am responsible, and the wider community.

I will uphold the sanctity of marriage and of family life.

I will be a faithful steward of my time and gifts, my money and possessions, my body, my mind and my spirit, knowing that I am accountable to God.

I will abstain from alcoholic drink, tobacco, the non-medical use of addictive drugs, gambling, pornography, the occult and all else that could enslave the body or spirit.

I will be faithful to the purposes for which God raised up The Salvation Army, sharing the good news of Jesus Christ, endeavouring to win others to Him, and in His name caring for the needy and the disadvantaged.

I will be actively involved, as I am able, in the life, work, worship and witness of the corps, giving as large a proportion of my income as possible to support its ministries and the worldwide work of the Army.

I will be true to the principles and practices of The Salvation Army, loyal to its leaders, and I will show the spirit of salvationism whether in times of popularity or persecution.

I now call upon all present to witness that I enter into this covenant and sign these articles of war of my own free will, convinced that the love of Christ, who died and now lives to save me, requires from me this devotion of my life to His service for the salvation of the whole world; and therefore do here declare my full determination, by God's help, to be a true soldier of The Salvation Army.

Its very easy to read these through and think yep, yep, and yep to them all. But when I really read them and think about my own life as supposedly mirroring these standards, I have to question my commitment as a Salvation Army soldier. In all honesty, I don't do all these things. I don't try hard enough to live a sold out life for God. Whats more, I don't often see that as a big problem - why? Because they are hard to live by so its ok if I fail a bit. Take for instance, 'I will make the values of the Kingdom of God and not the values of the world the standard for my life.' What a bold statement that is. Another; 'I will be a faithful steward of my time and gifts, my money and possessions, my body, my mind and my spirit, knowing that I am accountable to God.' I find it so easy to think of some of these things as almost seperate to my faith. I can have God, and still do the things I want to do with my time, or let my mind wander away from God or treat my body however I want and not consider God, or let my spirit become focussed more on what the world thinks than what God thinks. It so easy to make excuses for these things because we live in that sort of culture. But we were also reminded ... 'So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.' Romans 12: 1-2

The point is, have I really been keeping my commitment to soldiership in the Salvation Army? I may be in the minority, but I actually like the military terminology we have in the Army. Why? Because the term 'soldier' suggests a battle - a war - a fight. That is what we are part of, like it or not. When I think of myself as a soldier, it reminds me that I am part of a mission, that there is a purpose to my life beyond that which is right in front of me. But that mission needs me to be committed, to not let other stuff crowd it out. It needs me to take these articles of war seriously. Actually take them seriously - like making it my mission to live them out. I am convinced that if I did this - the passion and motivation in my life would show other people that I am serious about my faith. That my faith is worth being serious about. That it is more than just something I choose to do, or an added extra - it is all my life and it is purposeful.

The response I should have to all this is to repent and start to purposefully make it my mission to live out the articles of war. It would be so easy for me to say I want to and I try to live these out, its just hard, and then I could get away with it. But in all honesty, sometimes I don't try to, or even want to. I feel disappointed in myself that when I go to the enrolment of some good friends, I can't stand with them and say - yes I am fully commited to this too. I feel like a hypocrite - I am a soldier, and yet I am shocked by the articles of war - I have forgotten what they say and what I am meant to be trying to live up to.

I want to say this is a turning point - that I will now be purposeful about living out these articles of war - but will I? I don't want to just say it and then not do it. I want to mean it - but I know that tomorrow I am going to wake up and want something different. That I am going to want to live by the standards of the world. That I am going to want to become all that they ask me to be - and that it is likely that I will be more scared of not meeting the worlds standards that I am of not meeting God's.

Um - to post this or not to post this...that is the question. I guess it looks like I need some lovely friends to pray for me. Sorry for the bleeuurrgghh! I just needed to be honest and get it out. Thanks for reading. Love you all.

What a disappointment!

2008-06-21T21:48:00.002+01:00

Don't you hate it when you watch a brilliant advert, and then are disappointed with the product being advertised, or when the product being advertised doesn't quite seem to match the advert itself! Well I just found a new frustrating one!...

There was this great advert - which showed a scene of a woman walking around her bedroom at night holding a baby, whilst a man was asleep in the bed. A man's voice stated "I promise not to pretend I'm asleep when our baby wakes up at 3am or 4am or 5am. I promise never to say 'My Mum thinks you're holding the baby wrong'. I promise not to mention that sometimes when I kiss your beautiful neck it smells of perfume and baby sick. I promise not to join in if my mates sing the theme tune from the Omen, although it is quite funny. I promise to do at least my fair share of nappy changing and night feeding. I promise to tell you often how proud I am of you and how you've made me the happiest dad on the planet. All this I pledge without any pressure from you, my lovely, lovely missus".... Then a voice-over stated "Understanding parents, understanding babies. For infant nutrition trust the experts. SMA, we know."

...And there was me waiting for them to tell me where to find a man like that!!!!!!!

I am asking you as a friend!

2008-06-15T23:23:00.006+01:00

I went to Shirley Salvation Army today in Southampton to visit my little bro and some old friends. The young people led the meeting in the morning, and the theme was about Jesus calling us friends - based on the passage of scripture John 15:13-15 which says:

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you."

That small phrase, "You are my friends if you do what I command" really caught my attention today. In the past I have read this and almost sucked in my breath whilst reading it because it sounds very much like it is saying, I will call you my friend IF you do what I command. For the first time today I heard this completely differently. Nobody re-parahrased it for me, it wasn't read from a different version, nothing was different, except what I heard. Today I heard, "When I ask you to do things, I ask you as a friend." I know that's not what the passage says, and I don't claim that that is what it means either. Usually I would dismiss these thoughts straight away because they are not accurately reflecting what was written. However, today I couldn't stop thinking about it.

It turned my mind to that phrase that people often use when they want something from someone or if they are desperate for something from someone, and when they are refused they say, 'please, I am asking you as a friend.' The addition of that little phrase (correct me if I'm wrong) sometimes softens peoples hearts to the request being made of them - because it turns it into something more than just a simple 'cold' request. It becomes a matter of friendship and need - it adds 'warmth' to the request.

I wondered if sometimes we can treat things that God asks us to do as cold commands. I wonder if sometimes He asks us things 'as a friend' that we treat as commands and therefore feel less willing to do. It made me contemplate the difference between a command God gives and a request a friend makes. Usually if a friend makes a request of us using that phrase, it would be because there is something we can give to them or do for them that they don't have or can't do for themselves. With God - this is not the case. God does not need us like a friend might. If we say no it won't mean that God goes without, or is left at a loss or is left broken in any way. In fact, is it not often the case that the requests God makes of us, end up being for us, or at least for the world, rather than for Him? Therefore, can we really consider Him 'a friend'? Is friendship not a mixture of give and take? But what can we truly give to God? I know we say we can give Him our worship, our praise, our lives and so on, but not doing so doesn't make Him a lesser being. Basically He doesn't need us in the same way that we need him or we need our friends because, simply, God is God. Can we call Him friend - or is it just that He is a friend to us, though we aren't friends to Him?

I know this seems complicated, and unnecessary, and I guess I just need to let it go and not worry about the detail (Liz), but this cropped up because there is something I know God is asking of me, and I am having a really hard time obeying. I wondered if thinking about it in the sense of God saying, "look Kirsty, I am asking as a friend, please would you..." would make a difference. Would I find it easier to do it if I felt that it meant something to God, rather than it just being a command. But I don't want to assume that is how it is being said if its not, and I just don't get it. God is The Almighty. How dare I assume my obedience means something to Him personally - other than that He is God and therefore I should obey.

I don't really know how to finish this post off - Umm, the post is now over?!

Do you ever feel like someone is trying to tell you something?

2008-06-11T09:45:00.004+01:00

Seriously, this is the fourth time in less than a week that I have heard some sort of message based around Esther. Has the world suddenly gone Esther crazy? Has anyone else noticed an increase in Esther phenomenon recently?

I've been Esthered! And I am still not sure why!

Ok, in honesty, I do know why..."God has called each of us to a purpose greater than ourselves. Know that it will require death before life can be given to this purpose. It must be His life that lives, not ours."

But its SOOOO HARD!!!!

Quiet Reassurance

2008-06-06T00:27:00.003+01:00

I absolutely love it when this happens: I have been praying for something for a while, (not like every day, but occasionally over the course of almost a year) which I found out last night had been answered very very specifically about two months ago without me even knowing it. I love it when God works stuff out behind the scenes - when He answers a prayer almost exactly in the way you asked it - except it was quietly - and I didn't even need to do anything. God just took care of it. (I especially love it when that happens!)

Something I find amazing about God is the little surprises he throws in every now and then that kind of keep you going. In all honsety the 'faith thing' is kind of tough sometimes - not just within myself - but I find it difficult when I see other people struggling with their faith too. I love these little confirmations that we get every now and then that are quietly reassuring. God is in control.

Thanks God.

I'm gonna skip-it

2008-05-25T00:29:00.008+01:00

In a moment of 80's nostalgia, My friend Amy and I found, for sale in Romford, wait for it...

...

A SKIP-IT!!!!!

Apparently they are now called 'hoppers', but clearly they are skip-it's.

It turns out I haven't forgotten how to skip-it!

All I have to say is...

2008-05-22T12:47:00.002+01:00

Hoorah!

Building 'My' House

2008-05-16T12:47:00.002+01:00

I was listening to a song on my pink ipod (did I mention that I have one of them?) this morning on the way into work, and realised that I really really wanted to blog it. However, I got frustrated with myself, because I realise that I seem to use song lyrics far too much to define my feelings, so I very nearly didn't. But, then I thought about how grateful I was that when I don't know how to express my thoughts and feelings, I often find other peoples words do that for me. So I decided to blog it anyway, and not feel guilty about it.

I used this song at prayer meeting the other day because I thought about how relevant it was for our church right now, and it is my honest deepest prayer for our church. (And I don't just mean the actual physical building). But as I was listening today, I made it my prayer for my own life too. So, here is my most recent prayer - for both me and my church.

All I am and all I have is yours
There's nothing that I have on earth
that doesn't come from you
I lay aside my pride and worldly wealth
To serve You is the greatest thing
that I could ever do

For unless you build this house
I am building it in vain
Unless the work is yours
There is nothing to be gained
I want something that will stand
When your Holy fire comes
Something that will last
And to hear you say well done
Giving glory to you Lord
Glory to you Lord

So easy to desire what others have
Instead of seeing all the gifts that
You have given me
So help me fan the flame
which you began
And burn in me a love for you
that all will clearly see

(c) 2005 Thankyou Music/The Livingstone Collective

If We Are The Body...

2008-05-12T08:41:00.004+01:00

Yes! Kirsty is blogging again! Well, for now anyway - I seem to have had some thoughts while I was walking to work this morning (had to add that bit in there!). As I was walking, I was listening to a familiar song on my new pink ipod (and that bit!). I was introduced to this song at summer school one year when we used it as part of the drama presentation. Today, as I listened, I realised how pertinent a question it is for my church right now. Here are the lyrics:

Its crowded in worship today as she slips in,
And quietly fades into the faces.
The girls teasing laughter is carrying further than they know.

The travler is far away from home,
he sheds his coat and quietly sinks into the back row.
The weight of their judgement or glances
Tell him that his chances are better out on the road.

But if we are the body,
Why aren't his arms reaching?
Why aren't his hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body,
Why aren't his feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?

Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come.
And we are the body of Christ.

To be honest, our Church is often commended for how welcoming we are. These words are not directly applicable to us in that respect, however, I do wonder how welcoming we truly are in our hearts. Are we prepared to really make friends with people who aren't like us. Are we prepared to really invest time in people who need a bit of looking after? Are we prepared to open up our hearts to the potential of being hurt when people take and take and take and don't appear to be getting the message at all? Are we prepared to care so much that it hurts?

I think its worth questioning - Are His arms reaching, His hands healing? His words teaching? His feet going? His love showing the way? If not, then since we are the body, its our arms, hands, words, feet and love that are not doing these things.

I am not trying to be negative, like I say, I do think our Church has a very good starting point for practicing these things because we are welcoming, and for the first few weeks, people often feel very at home with us - but we need to make sure it doesn't just last a few weeks, but that we really let them into our hearts, and treat them as part of the family.

We had a great prayer meeting last night. There were 14 of us who stayed, and I do believe God was speaking last night. I am so excited about the heart some of the people in our church have been given for mission. I am so excited. And I am sooooo excited about the prayer that is surrounding that. I believe this could really happen - if we really commit to making an effort to making this work, I believe we can start to impact the community - but we HAVE to be prepared to love them, if we are going to try to get them interested in God. They will only see God's love through ours.

I am a very practical minded person, and this post has been very generalised so far, so I want to delve into the difficult task of questionning how we actually put that into practice. In all honesty, I don't know, but what I do know is that I am praying that God will teach me how to love. If we can truly love them, actually feel something for them (which does open us up to hurt - lets not pretend it doesn't) then I think a lot of the other stuff will flow from that. I am going to try to befriend some people if I see people looking lonely or a bit out of it in our church. But befriend them in such a way that I actually invite them to dinner, and want to hear about their lives. Its a massive commitment to say that, and clearly there is a limited amount of people anyone can do that for because it means investing time - and time for Salvationists is often precious. But it will be time well spent, and the more of us that do that the more people will start to feel like part of the family of God.

I realise I have got on my soapbox. I am prepared to be challenged on this view if anyone thinks I have got this wrong in any way. What do you think? How can we prepare ourselves for this?

My Testimony

2008-04-03T23:02:00.003+01:00

Living on my own, thinking for myself,
Castles in the sand, temporary wealth
Walls are falling down, storms are closing in,
Tears have filled my eyes, here I am again.

And I've held out as long as I can,
Now I'm letting go and holding out my hand.

Daddy, here I am again,
Will You take me back tonight?
I went and made the world my friend,
And it left me high and dry.
I drag Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in.
Not worthy to be called Your son,
Is this to be my end?

Daddy, here I am -
Here I am again

Curse this morning sun, drags me in to one more day,
Of reaping what I've sown, of living with my shame.
Welcome to my world and the life that I have made
Where one day you're a prince; the next day you're a slave.

And I've held out as long as I can,
Now I'm letting go and holding out my hand.

Daddy, here I am again,
Will You take me back tonight?
I went and made the world my friend,
And it left me high and dry.
I drag Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in.
Not worthy to be called your son,
Is this to be my end?

Daddy, here I am -
Here I am again.

Lyrics by Casting Crowns

Ok, maybe it seems a bit intense and dramatic, but its my testimony nonetheless.

How English are we!

2008-03-07T14:56:00.002Z

I was just in a lift and another person got in wanting who didn't want to go quite as far as me. When he left the lift he said 'thanks'. Why?

A rather unsavoury image!

2008-02-11T12:28:00.000Z

Ok, so its unusual for me to put anything unsavoury on my blog - I don't even like thinking about it, but this has really wound me up today so I felt burdened enough to need to share it!!!

I have discovered a new pet hate! When people think its a good idea to talk on their mobile phones whilst in the ladies toilets! WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS?!?!?!?!

Seriously, as if I am going to be able to feel free to 'go' when someone is on the phone in the next cubilcle! Its completely 100% wrong!

Sorry for the image!

Trust Your Instinct???

2008-02-01T22:53:00.000Z

I have a question...

Do you invariably go back to the first way of doing something?

I am trying to write a technical document for work. I am not massively exerienced in this. I have written many couresworks in my time about mathematical things, so one would think I should be quite good at it. It appears I am not! I think its because this is actually about something real, not something contrived for the sake of a grade!

Anyway, the point is this: When I first started putting anything down on paper, I made a good start at describing what I had been investigating. After about 2.5 hours of working on it, I re-read it and decided I didn't think the structure was particularly helpful. So the next day I started again using a different approach. I liked this appraoch but it became a bit too detailed so I tried again, this time starting top-level. It wasn't long before I realised that this method was inadequate as well so I gave up on it for a while to do other things. Today, after about a weeks break, I have had to pick it up again and, re-reading all three attempts, I realised that the first one was the most useful.

Isn't this just so often how it works out? Is this a lesson in trusting my instincts?

A Useful Exercise - Part 1

2008-01-29T13:27:00.000Z

As you may have noticed I have had writers block for a while. I have started a few blogs, but nothing has felt right. Today I finally had some inspiration. I was writing in my prayer journal this morning, and one of my Christian work colleagues asked me about it. I realsied that I have been writing journals for a long long time. I don't always write in it every day, and it usually happens in phases, but I have boxes full of these journals because I have kept every one.

I was asked about my Christian journey last week, and I found it very difficult to describe. I realised today how much of my journey is contained within those journals. So I thought it would be an interesting exercise to read back through some of them for two reasons:

It will remind me of the way I have developed and how my spiritual life has been shaped over the years.
I will find many prayers that have been answered, or situations I have been through which will have had some sort of resolution.

As Christians we often talk about how 'it was only years later that we realised we had to go through that.' I hope to maybe uncover some of those mysteries through this process. Also, I have often used poetry to express my feelings when I dodn't know how else to. This is a more recent development, but I think that there can often be resolutions and lessons learnt even within a short space of time. So I decided to re-read these as well..

I decided that there may be ocasions where I would like to blog about some of the lessons I have learnt or some of the thoughts I had, partly because it will be nice to share some of these things with my friends, and partly because, who knows, maybe one day they may help someone. So...

My poem blog http://kirstys-poems.blogspot.com has a list on the right hand side of the poem titles contained within the blog. Its interesting reading down the list and noticing the themes (they are glaring obvious!) One such theme is that of waiting. (See 'Waiting', 'Stuck' and 'What to do'). The one I would like to pinpoint today, I have copied below.

Nothing But Wait.

There’s nothing to do but wait
I can’t control this
I don’t own this
Or do I.

Is there more to do than wait?
Do I control this?
Do I own this?
How can I?.

Is there more to do than wait
Or nothing to do but wait?
Do you wait for the right conditions
Or do you act knowing the conditions could never be right?.

The resolution

I acted knowing the conditions may never be right.

Was this the right thing to do? I guess only time will tell...!

Friends? ...At Work? ...Surely Not?

2008-01-08T18:24:00.000Z

I love my job. I actually do. Its sad I know, but I love it. There are times when things go wrong, there are times that it can be frustrating, and there are times when it can be stressful (2008 at work has so far been pretty much all these things!), but I can't deny that I do enjoy the work I do.

So why is this? Well on one hand, I do actually enjoy the work itself, (simulation modelling of the London Underground lines for those who don't know - or some would call it praxis(?)!). But another bonus is that I really get on well with my collegaues. I am part of a great team of people, and I love working with them. However, this week I have had a bit of a revelation! I have always known that I am a relational person, and also rather dependent. I need people. I like having friends around. I prefer having really close friends who you know a lot about than just having lots of aquaintances. There are a lot of people I would call good friends, and some of these are in my workplace. BUT, after a couple of recent conversations I have started to realise that not everyone sees it that way. It appears that a number of my colleagues would class their life 'in work' and their life 'out of work as completely seperate entities. They claim to be a different person outside of work, and even question the possibility of having real friends at work. They would claim that people at work are colleagues and nothing more.

What is frightening, is that some of these people are the people I would call friends! I guess it depends on how you define friendship. What makes someone a friend rather than a colleague? I don't think this difference in definition will affect the relationships I have with these people at all, I just find it very interesting how people can have very different perceptions of the same thing!

So I am interested...is it a 'woman thing' to like to have friends at work and a 'man thing' to not need (or think they don't need) friends at work, or is that too big a generalisation? Is it more about personality than gender, or is it, simply, just about definition?

Hope 08

2008-01-06T19:54:00.000Z

First of all I should say congratulations to Glyn, who not only managed to top my blog list, but also managed to be the most frequent blogger that has ever appeared on it. Not only that, but each one was his own work, not some clip stolen from you tube as seems to be the fashion these days!

So 2008 is finally here! 2008, the year of hope. Firstly, on a personal level, 2008 is going to be a year of hope for me. 2007 is behind. It is in the past. It may still affect me and things from 2007 may still haunt me from time to time, but 2008 is here and I am making a change. I am having an Epiphany if you will! I want 2008 to be about God not about Kirsty Caffull. I want to live for God this year. I am not naive enough to think that its just going to happen like that because I have decided it will, but its got to be a step in the right direction, right? I am going to seek God's will about the decisions I have to make. I am going to try hard to stop being prescriptive about the things I want to happen for myself, and start to ask what God wants from me instead. (Sounds good doesn't it - one can hope!). Seriously, I am going to try.

Secondly 2008 is a year of hope for our corps. Its the year we are going to get back into our building. I guess there is going to be a lot of work that needs to be done in order to make sure that we put it to good use, and that we actually do give our building back to the community - the whole reason for the refurbishment in the first place. But there is hope. Hope that we can be changed as individuals, and as a family by the spirit - and given the wisdom to know best how to meet the communities needs. Could this be the time for revival in Romford? Maybe, maybe not, that is up to God, but we can be ready for it, and pray for it and listen to what God wants and act on it. 2008 can be a chance for us to make a real difference.

Lastly - 2008 is a year of hope for all the people who will be affected by the work of the churches participating in Hope 08. This is an opportunity for them to get to know the church living out its calling, refusing to allow people to believe their sterotype that all Christians are hypocrites. 2008 is a chance for them to meet God and to develop a relationship with him. Its an oportunity for them to let their hard hearts be melted, and to feel the living reviving touch of God. Because I for one know the living reality of the goodness of God.

Most importantly, 2008 is a year I am dedicating to prayer. I will be praying every day that these hopes turn into a reality. Here's to 2008!

(schloer!)

Loneliness

2007-12-23T01:12:00.001Z

I was listening today to the song, 'It's the most wonderful time of the year'. I love this Christmas song – it's one of my favourites just because it has such a feel good factor about it. However I am sitting in my flat, alone, and realising that for some, this is most definitely not the most wonderful time of the year. Christmas is in your face for the whole of December, you can't avoid it. It's celebrated on all the radio stations, on all the T.V shows, and every town centre. I guess those for whom Christmas is hard or lonely will be reminded of their loneliness everywhere they go. I have always tried to remember that some people will not be having a Christmas like mine. When we were younger and Mum and Dad were CO's we often spent much of Christmas day at the Army helping out with the Christmas lunch for those who had nowhere else to go. On other occasions we had some people come and join our family for Christmas dinner at our house. This was very long ago now, and I don't remember that much about it. I hope that I was gracious about this and didn't moan too much. I hope I could appreciate that there were people who needed to be loved and cared for on that day more than ever. I hope I understood how blessed I was and I hope I was happy to share that blessing with those less fortunate. I honestly don't know if I was any of that. What I do know is that it is a long time since I have had to make sacrifices like that on Christmas Day. I hope one day I will be gracious enough to go and look for opportunities to do that again.

I once read a book called 'Second Choice' by Viv Thomas. The book was written to try to help Christians to understand that even when the world they live in, and the circumstances they have to face, are not their first choice, there can be untold blessing in that world. Take for instance my childhood Christmas days. It may be that having strangers at my families Christmas dinner was not my first choice, but there is something so special about giving. When I look back at those times, I think about those people and wonder whether spending their Christmas with us actually helped them to enjoy the day more. (It's possible – my brothers were much younger then and not half so annoying!!!!) I really hope so. If it did then even now, the blessing of that second choice for me lives on in the knowledge that my very small sacrifice gave someone else some happiness.

I find this a massive challenge in the situation I find myself in today. I often feel like I am living in a second choice world. I guess many will not have to read to far between the lines to know what I mean by that. I won't spell it out! Sometimes in the midst of living in a state of 'second choice' it is so hard to think that it can be of any benefit to you. Sometimes it feels that all it brings is unhappiness and discontent. Sometimes we don't even want to think about the fact that it might be better for us, or even that something good might come out of it, because we desperately want our first choice. I am trying to learn that if I sit and wallow in the fact that I am not living my first choice, (woe is me!!!), then I won't even get any blessing out of the second choice world, and neither will anyone else. I am a bit of an 'all or nothing' girl and so I often fail to realise that 'nothing' is not better than 'something' even if that something is not 'everything'. If a glass isn't full, it might as well be empty, forget this half full / half empty nonsense! I want to embrace the place I find myself in, so that I am able to use that to be a blessing to others, and maybe even find some happiness for myself. But embracing something when you can't see beforehand what benefits it might bring, is hard. Embracing something you have always wanted to avoid is hard. Embracing something when you know it is going to hurt, and hurt badly, is hard.

This sounds really depressing, and it's nearly Christmas so I don't want to end it on a sad note, so I will also say that I can't wait for Christmas. I love it. I love going carol singing with the youth on Christmas Eve. I love the raucous singing, the laughter, the friendship. I love seeing people I love as we go from house to house. I love Christmas day and being with my family. I love going to church and remembering who and what this time of year is actually all about. I love celebrating that on the day itself. I am going to love seeing Lee and Tracey and baby Oliver on Boxing Day, and will love having my Nan to stay for a few days. I will enjoy spending New Years Eve with my wonderful church friends, and bringing in the New Year with the people I love the most - including God!

Happy Christmas everyone.

Yay!

2007-12-15T23:06:00.000Z

I have Christmas decorations in my flat! Now it officially feels like Christmas. My family came round this afternoon to help me, and I have to say, it looks lovely sitting here in my lounge looking at my Christmas tree. In true 'Kirsty's flat' style, the tree has red and silver decorations on it, with red lights. My balcony has lights on it - one of the few in my block of flats that has, so if you are driving past, look out for the bluey coloured lights. Thats my flat! I have been somethat reserved with the rest as I am a minimalist when it comes to decor, so there is not a massive amount of 'stuff', but just enough to feel Christmassy.

Now I know that there are a lot of people that really don't like Christmas. I completely understand the annoyance with the commercialisation of the season, but I love it. I love the 'happy' atmosphere that seems to appear at Christmas. I love the willingness of people to let go and have fun for a while, to share gifts and be excited. Most of all, this year, I am really beginning to sense the hope that this season brings. This was exemplified by hearing Rhydian singing Oh Holy Night on the X factor, becasue I really noticed the words:

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of the dear Saviors birth
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till He appeared and the soul felt it's worth

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

Fall on your knees!
Oh hear the angel voices
O night divine,
O night - when Christ was born
O night divine,
O night - when Christ was born

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand
So, led by light of a star sweetly gleaming
Here came the wise men from the Orient land

The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger
In all our trials born to be our friend

He knows our need,
to our weakness no stranger
Behold your King, before Him lowly bend
Behold your King, your King, before Him lowly bend

Truly He taught us to love one another
His law is love and His Gospel is Peace
Chains shall He break for the slave Is our brother
And in his name all oppression shall cease

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we.
Let all within us praise His holy Name

Christ is the Lord, then ever, ever praise we
His power and glory evermore proclaim
His power and glory evermore proclaim

I could probably write a blog post for each line of this song, but I just want to highligt one that caught my attention today. 'Till he apeared, and the soul felt its worth'. This line contains so much depth. And what's more its still true today. Souls are still finding their worth today, as they discover Jesus. They are finding their worth, not in themselves, but in the love of God - who chose to give up His glory for a time to let us know that we are worth something to Him. That He wants us to be with Him for eternity, and that He is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to allow us to be there. That is the worth of each soul that Jesus appears to today. That is the worth of my soul. And your soul. I don't want to be a cynical, grumpy person this Christmas. I want to sing those words and feel their meaning within my own heart and soul.

Thank you God for thinking we are worth something to you. Thank you for giving yourself up for us, for walking on this earth with us, and for showing us how to live. Thanks for loving us, and for your incredible gift of eternity with you.

Behold your King!

Performance or Worship - part 2.

2007-12-09T22:39:00.000Z

I said there might be another. Apologises if I cover the same ground again. For the context see, Performance or Worship - Part 1. Again, where I say 'worship', please read sung worship. I know it is much more than that...I am just focussing on a specific here.

So today someone made a comment that made me think. She said 'Our worship should be fit for a King'. Now of course, this is absolutely true. We are worshipping a King so we should never be satisfied with worshipping that King in a mediocre fashion. However, I don't believe that anything we can offer will ever be fit for our King. He is too great, too holy, too incredible for us to ever be worthy of being in his presence, or even daring to think we can offer anything to him that is worthy. But, that does not mean we shouldn't offer Him the best that we have. God knows us, He knows that we are fallen and broken, and when humbly coming to Him and offering up ourselves, offering Him praise and honour and love, from an honest heart that is truly grateful for what He has done for us and truly in love with Him, I believe He gracefully accepts it.

However, sometimes when we are trying to engage in worship, things can go wrong. We can be in the middle of worshipping and the power point fails so nobody has the words. We can try to listen to a cd, and a broken lead means that the cd is distorted, we can prepare and prepare to try to create an atmosphere which enables people to tune into God, but 'things' can so easily spoil that. I have mixed feelings about when this happens. To be honest, there have been times where I have felt that when things go wrong like that, it has actually heightened my experience of worship - why - because it breaks the routine it is easy to fall into of singing without thinking, of tuning out when someone is praying or reading the Bible or giving a sermon - (not that I ever would Richard and Ann!) I think sometimes when everything goes as planned, it is easy to lose something of the authenticity of our worship.

To be honest, the last couple of weeks, things have gone wrong with the technology we use in worship, and there are times when this has frustrated me, where I have wanted to fully engage with God, and have been hindered from doing so by 'stuff'. But - there has been something about the last two weeks in our church that I have really loved. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there has been a bit of a buzz. Am I the only one? I wonder if sometimes sharing in the annoying little things that happen together, being able to laugh about them, and being able to get past them actually brings us closer together, and reminds us of our position before God. We aren't shining stars able to give God the performance of a lifetime, we are human beings who get stuff wrong, make mistakes, sing out of tune, and get our words muddled up. But that is how God accepts us and loves us. I completely believe we should always try to offer him our best, but we should also be humble enough to recognise that when stuff goes wrong, we can still recognise God for who he is and tell Him that.

If the devil has any part in the little frustrating things that have been happening in our church during worship, then I pray Him out, but I also pray that He will be humiliated by our willingness to worship God humbly and joyfully even when things are going wrong.

I would like to clarify that I don't believe that mediocre worship is something we should be trying to attain. We should always give God our best - but when our best efforts are thwarted by things out of our control, I think we should try to use them to remember who we are, and who God is, and why we are there in the first place.

I so desperately want our church to be a vibrant place, filled with the Spirit, evangelising and seeing people accepting Jesus as their Saviour. I want to see people finding their place in ministry at this church, discovering gifts and using them to build God's kingdom. I so want to see people so filled with the spirit that they are moved to worship God extravegantly. I want people in church to feel that they belong and that there is a community of people who love them. I want people to be constantly journeying into deeper relationship with God, finding out more about Him, and more about how to live by His word in this world, and through that becomming ever closer and ever more in love with Him. I want to see the children praising God, and saying their prayers, I want to see the youth questionning what it means to be a Christian in this world, and discovering that their faith can be real and active and can make a difference. And I want to see them discovering that God can offer them so much more than this world can. Mostly, I want to see the church praying, crying out to God to let all of the above things be seen in the Salvation Army at Romford. I want to see His people on their knees accepting that we can do nothing without the power of prayer and the fire of the Holy Spirit. I want to see us crying out for that Spirit to come in power in His Church.

Sometimes it seems like we are a far cry from being that kind of church, and yet I believe there is potential. I think there might be something in learning humility that can show us that whilst our worship will never be perfect, it can still be God honouring. I don't want these little annoyances to get in the way of us recognising and praising God for who He is. I just wish I could stop getting distracted by them. I wonder if this is about choice. Do you think we can choose to let them get in the way - or not to?

Selective Hearing?

2007-12-03T00:02:00.001Z

Ok, its been a while, but I have got myself all confused again and need to blog the thoughts swirling around my mind! Mainly because I really can't get myself to sleep. Most people who read this will know that I have a big 'thing' about prayer at the moment. In any conversation about God or Church etc, I always seem to end up talking (or rather whining!) about the need for prayer. Sometimes I feel a bit like a fraud when I do this. I always think that people with a passion for prayer must be such good pray-ers, but I am not. I struggle to make time for personal prayer, I get distracted, I lose focus on God, I talk loads and forget to listen (or rather don't really know how to listen!) and so on.

Its this whole listening thing that is bothering me today. When we make a request of God, we are told we should be prepared for Him to answer. Apparently He always does answer, but not necessarily by granting the original request. The problem is how do you interpret the answer? There have been a number of times that I have requested something from God, when the opposite thing has happened. On many of these occasions, I have chosen to interpret this as meaning I have to be more persistent. On other occasions I have decided that maybe I was asking for the wrong thing. The question is, how do we know which it is?

Also, another issue is what about when you get inconsistent answers? Say you asked for confirmation about something you had decided to do. Then say that during that day 2 things happen which could both be considered to be answers to that prayer. One of which is a confirmation, one of which is the opposite. How do you decide which one to listen to?

I guess I am worried that I might have been guilty of selective listening. Choosing to listen and act upon only those answers that fit with the things I think or feel. But now, when faced with a need for an interpretation of a situation, I don't know what to do. Do I stop praying for it and rather try to change my own thinking and feelings about it? Do I keep being persistent? If I am persistent, does that mean that I am going to waste my life chasing an answer I am never going to get? Does it mean I am doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result (which according to Albert Einstein would make me insane!)

I guess from re-reading the paragraph I have written the most sensible thing is to try to change my thinking and feelings - but how on earth do you do that? Plus, what about when you get those inconsistencies. One situation encourages you to keep praying and another suggests you are praying for the wrong thing. What do you do then?

I guess Romford Salvation Army has been struggling for a while now to try to start 'doing something' relating to evangelism. We keep being reminded that we already are doing things as a corps - a lot of which us weekday workers don't see happening, and yet there still seems to be this undercurrent of discontent, of a need for more, for something different. I do believe this discontent comes from God, and that we are beginning to address it in the right way, and as I keep saying I think we need to seriously commit this to God in prayer continuously, asking for Him to lead. My problem is, until I can figure out how to interpret the voice of God, what is the point in praying about it and asking for guidance. I don't want to ask for guidance that I or the corps then ignores because we had 'selective hearing', I want to be persistent, but don't know when I am doing so wrongly, and I certainly don't want to do that. I guess what I am saying is HELP!

Maybe I need to pray for discernment?

Day 5

2007-12-01T12:53:00.000Z

Day 5 consisted of a bit more Christmas shopping, which means I am now nearly finished I now have 4 small gifts left to get (and maybe a couple of extras). That is a good feeling. I even got wrapping paper and ribbon! How organised am I?!?!

In the afternoon I went through my finances trying to work out why I have been struggling for the last two months. After all my essentials and a small budget for clothes and extras like eating out and coffee shops etc, I should have £40 left each month. I then realised I hadn't accounted for holidays or presents in that, and things like roots end up being very expensive. So the fact that I have been running out of money is probably quite simply because I can't afford my lifestyle! How rubbish is that?!?!

I think I am going to have to start eating out and going to coffee shops and buying clothes less! I might need to try to work out a budget soon. I might also need to ask for a pay rise!!! :-) (one can but hope!)

All this actually made me think. Its easy to moan about the materialism we find in the world. Its easy to get frustrated with how commercialised Christmas has become, and yet I find myself in the thick of it all. The Bible says you cannot serve two masters, and yet because we need it for everything, money is such a massive part of life and its really hard to not get caught up in worrying about it or wanting more of it. How do we learn to not end up serving money? I try to live sacrificially and generously, and so far I have always had enough and it has never got to the point where it has become a real problem. Is that because I have chosen not to worry about it, or is my lack of worry really lazy and irresponsible?

Hmm. Big questions!

Lastly, I drove down to Southampton to visit my brother and he cooked very delicious lasagne for me! Yum. And I had a Q burger! (See maybe this is why I run out of money!) But it was yummy!

Day 4

2007-11-29T23:57:00.001Z

Had another crazy day with Mum and her sisters. Found some bargains in Primark, and therefore spent money I don't have.

In the afternoon Uncle Mel came down with the triplets. Until today, I never realised that a two year old was capable of putting a DVD on. Literally, every little step required - they did with no help. Even finding the right AV channel! Scary!

I seemed to make a friend today too. My little cosuin Ryan decided I would be fun to play with (?!?! - he has a lot to learn!) It actually freaked me out a bit! Here is a child asking me for my attention! What do I do?!?! I got through it in one piece - just!

Watched the film Deja Vu tonight with Mum and Dad. Oh my word, that was one frustrating film. I am now trying to stop myself writing a letter to the writers demading an expanation as to why they left so many loose ends, unanswered questions, and obvious discrepencies and inaccuracies in a film. Other than that it was quite good! (I am kidding by the way - I wouldn't really write a letter!)

I have got about a third of my Christmas (and birthday - grr Dad and Tracey!) shopping done now, and I have ideas for most of the others. Hopefully tomorrow I should get a lot of the rest of it done.

I can't believe that tomorrow is the last day of my holiday. I didn't imagine I would be saying this but I could have managed a few more!!!!

Day 3

2007-11-29T00:12:00.000Z

I got up at 9:00 am (an hour after I planned to!) and drove to Southend to spend the day with my mum and my aunties and two of my cosuins. Every year before Christmas my mum and her sisters (there are 5 sisters) get together for a few days to do all their Christmas shopping, and a lot of their wrapping up and so on. My Uncle Mel usually meets them for a day too. Its a brilliant idea, and they always have a great time. They don't all get to be with each other that often as everyone lives so far apart, so they make the most of it. Sometimes, if any of us are free, some of the cousins join in too.

If anyone has ever been in the proximity of these sisters when there are at least two present, you will understand the mayhem that ensues when they are all together for the first time in a year. They are mad as hatters, and yet so much fun to be with.

Its surprising how much fun a 25 year old can have when spending the day with a mum and 4 crazy aunties, wandering around shops such as QD, Wilkinsons and Bon Marche! What scared me even more was that I actually liked some of the stuff I saw in Bon Marche!!!!! Help? Am I getting old? Maybe I was spending too much time with my aunties!

This evening I spent with three friends who I love to pieces, and its been ages since the four of us spent time together so that was truly wonderful.

This holiday is turning out to be actually fun! Who ever would have thought?!?!?!

Day 2

2007-11-27T23:37:00.000Z

At 9:30am I went to the hairdressers. I was uneasy as I was trying a new hairdresser for the first time in 6 years. I emerged three and a half hours later with a haircut exactly how I had asked for it. I was going to add a picture of the end result, but I have no camera (and besides cameras are one of the biggest evils in the world after carrots and spiders), so if you want to see it you will have to make sure I get to see you sometime soon!!!!

Not sure yet whether I really like it. It wasn't helped today by the stupid rain. (Who invented rain? What do we need it for anyway?!!!) and until I have attempted to do it myself I am still unsure of how it is going to actually look. However - anything is better than the, 'I haven't had it cut in six and a half months and I have tons of split ends and it is so long I will always end up putting it in a ponytail rather than making an effort with it' look! So it will do!

I had some friends come round in the afternoon for a chat, and then spent the evening with a bunch of people from my church talking about Hope 08, and ideas for mission in Romford, with a particular (but not sole) view towards what we will start to put into place when we move into our new building, and how can we work together with the other churches in the area in meeting the spiritual needs in Romford. I also got my two pennies worth in about prayer!

A bitty, but very productive day.

Day 1

2007-11-27T01:49:00.000Z

Ok, its the end of day 1 of the official holiday, and so far it has been FABULOUS! Dublin is great. I wish I could live there. Those beautifl Southern Irish accents get me every time!!! Dom, Twig and I had great fun, and I had a bit of a giggling fit on the plane, (AT Dom), which was made even worse by my embarrasment when some man was watching me laughing so hard that I was crying - and lauging at me!

I am absolutely shattered, but looking forward to day 2.

(Incidently, I also had a rather wonderful weekend visiting Sarah in Wetherby, and although it is not part of my official holiday week - it was certainly worth mentioning.)

Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh!

2007-11-23T00:06:00.000Z

1 more day to go till the dreaded, (and yet so desperately needed) holiday. What shall I do?...

I want to be googled!

2007-11-13T00:05:00.000Z

I am meant to be praying. Instead, I am trying to find my blog on google. Its Liz and Glyn's fault! I was reading through blogs and Glyn has a Mitchie award on the side of his blog for his post on Andi Peter's. (Its been there for ages, but I re-noticed it today!) This concept made me laugh, so I decided to re-read through that post - (anyone would think I had a lot of time on my hands. Like I say, I am meant to be praying - Facebook fasting doesn't appear to be having its desired effect!!!). Anyway, I couldn't find it on his blog so I tried googling it, and found it straight away. This really impressed me and reminded me of Liz's blog, where she said she accidently found her blog on google. It made me want to find my blog on google. I have been trying for ages - but to no avail! I decided to try some other bloggers.

I managed to find Matt Whites, (but to be fair, that was by typing in a blog title that had his name in it!)
Merger - Can we cope with change from Dawn's blog was the first result!
we are collecting your glass... not glarss, glass!!! from Sarah's - also the first result

I got upset at this point that mine was the only one I had tried that I hadn't been able to find, so I stopped to write this and vent my frustrations!

What is the secret? More adventurous titles? More blog readers?

Ok, competition time - if anyone can find my blog on google, they will get a prize! (without searching for the actual blog address of course - that would be cheating.)

Actually going to pray now! Not about googling my blog! (More likely about not feeling the need to google my blog!!!!!!!)

My humble prayer

2007-11-10T02:15:00.001Z

Today I have sat here at my computer for ages, knowing that I had something to blog, but not being able to get it out. I don't struggle with writing down my thoughts very often, but today, I really did. Perhaps it is because I have become very aware of a problem in my life recently, and I was trying to define it, and describe it and work it out so that I could do something about it, without doing the obvious thing and taking it to God.

I ended up re-reading the prayer of freedom I blogged about ages ago, and trying to pray it. As soon as I opened up to God - the words just flowed - in the form of a prayer rather than a blog. Definitely the best way round!. Now, having already prayed this prayer and having meant it from the bottom of my heart, I wanted to share it with all who are interested. Perhaps you can keep me accountable to it. I am learning lessons about the true meaning of humility, and right now, I desire it with all my heart. I pray that the desire will remain strong.

Lord, at work where there is potential to receive admiration
Help me to see only you

Lord, when I'm tempted to try to earn love from my friends
Help me to see only you

Lord when I find myself seeking attention
Help me to see only you

Lord when my eyes stray and start seeking success and achievement
Help me to see only you

Lord when I am desperate for someone to tell me I'm doing ok
Hankering after feedback
Seeking approval
Help me to see only You

Lord I am often tempted to use the worlds standards to measure myself. When those temptations come my way, please remind me that I have no need to measure myself. That all I need to do is see you, rest in you and wait upon you, and that as I do so, your Spirit will gently mould me into the person you created me to be.

Lord I am often frustrated that I don't understand what is going on in the world; that I am not sure what you are doing - what you are waiting for. Lord my frustrations stem from a desire to be let in on your 'secret plans' for this world. What are you up to? Where are you going to take us; where are we headed; what are the aims and objectives I am meant to be working towards, and how will I know if I am achieving them? Lord when those frustrations start overwhelming me as they often do - please humble me, and remind me of my position at the foot of your cross. Please remind me that it is my pride talking. My pride telling me that I can be part of achieving something big for you; my pride telling me I should be part of some great big adventure; my pride that wants to be rushing on ahead and getting to the action before you have even declared a battle. Please Lord help me to rest in your control; to believe that you are, and will be involved in this world; to trust in your timings and to wait for your call. Take away my blindness; my 'I'ness; and help me to see only you.

Lord, someone once told me I look at the world through God tinted spectacles. Lord make that a reality - help me to live like that. Truly seeing everything according to your perspective, looking up and seeing you in any and every situation. Help me to see only you Lord. Only you.

Sex Shop News!

2007-11-04T00:25:00.000Z

For those of you who live in Romford, (and those who are interested that don't!) I thought you might be interested to know that I received the Autumn edition of the Romford Town Newsletter today. (Does anyone else get that? Are you jealous?) Anyway - I was pleased to read in it the following statement:

"A number of residents have approached Cllr. Wendy Brice-Thompson to voice their concerns over the apparent opening of a sex shop of this site. (Former Littlewoods store in Romford Liberty Centre).

As we understand it, the company who own the leasehold for the former Littlewoods store, GHP Group Ltd, do not have a lisence for this type of use, nor have they applied for one. The matter is currenty the subject of on-going court proceedings between Cosgrave who own the Liberty and GHP. Both properties are privately owned and at this stage the council has no involvement. In the meantime, we will be investigating the advertising boards which have appeared on pillars in Swan Walk, which may be subject to advertising consent.

The council and its partners have worked very hard to create a quality shopping environment in Romford and will continue to do so."

I am about to write to the Councellor to ask if there is any way of getting updates on this issue regularly. It seems a bit crazy that there is such heavy advertising for it when they have not even applied for a license. It seems that residents have a certain amount of power over what happens in Romford - particularly when the council are involved. I recently had a letter explaining that they want to open an ALDI and that a liqueor license has been requested. We were able to attend some meeting and make any comments we had about that so I certainly hope the same would be true of opening a sex shop in Romford. If so, I intend to use the opportunity to make as much fuss about it as I can!

Is someone trying to tell me something?

2007-11-01T22:05:00.000Z

I went away this week with my team at work on a 'communications workshop' away day. Well it was actually a day and a half. I wasn't really sure what to expect, I have so much work to do at the moment, and it was in Chesham - right over the other side of London. So all in all, I wasn't really looking forward to it. However, it well exceeded my expectations. It was so nice to be able to socialise with some of my work colleagues outside of a work context. I wish we did it more. We had a lot of fun, and I lauged a lot.

One of the things that really stunned me was how similar the 'communications workshop' stuff was to a course I took with my church a while ago called Lab 1. Lab 1 was specifically about learning techniques for listening and understanding people, particularly from a Christian context. Since doing the course I have very rarely used any of the techniques I learned, in spite of the fact that I believe that they are very powerful.

I can't think of any way of describing the next bit without being really personal so here goes. For a long time, (a long long long time) I have been very disatisfied with who I am. I have never had the best self esteem, but recently this has escalated to a point that I need to do something about it. Instead of getting overwhelmed by all my weaknesses to the point where it disables me from doing anything about it, I have decided that, at 25 years of age, I am not expected to be perfect. So I will present myself to God, as I am, and ask Him to show me areas of my life that I need to work on, bit by bit. One of the things about my personality that really gets me is the amount I struggle with connecting with people. Knowing how to converse with people, how to have, and show compassion to the hurting. I want people to feel like they can talk to me about stuff and that I will really listen. I want to know what to say to them, and how to make them feel like they have a friend. (Listen to me - "I want, I want , I want!!")

Yesterday I was listening to these people telling us about skills in listening and I was thinking, "I have heard this before, I know this stuff!" so why am I still struggling so much with this issue? Additionally, I mentioned to my boss that I have been on a listening and communication skills course before with my church, and he gave me a look and started to say, "Have you?...then why..." He didn't need to finish! The point had been made. I realised then that I had never put into practice what I had learned, and I had never even considered the possibility of using those skills at work. I was taught within a Christian context, so I only ever thought about using them in the same context...but they are very transferable skills. I should use them. Who knows...myabe if I did I might have had an awful lot more conversations about my faith and deep conversations with my colleagues about their lives - not just the bits that I see every day at work, but the really personal stuff that I would share if I was a real friend.

I really think God had a lot to do with the material we were taught these last two days. I suddenly feel a sense of hope and possibility about my working relationships. I am now going to re-read all my lab 1 stuff, and start trying to use it at work. I will pray that God will honour my efforts and change me to be usable for His kingdom...even at work.

'ichurch'

2007-10-28T20:58:00.000Z

I have noticed that I find myself constantly challenged in my Christian faith. Whether it is through a sermon, through a song, a conversation, reading scripture, through the inspiration of other people living out their Christian lives, (I could go on). The point is, I feel challenged most of the time. Today's challenge came through a sermon. The theme of the meeting was 'Be strong'. We explored what it means to be strong, and the point was that when we are purposeful about living in community and enjoying the fellowship of the believers, about worshipping, about our ministry and our mission and about really becoming disciples we will discover how strong we actually are.

The point that really hit me was that none of this can happen unless we are purposefully and continuously putting God at the centre of all we do and all we try to be. I have heard of the 'ichurch' concept before, but the description of it that we heard today really challenged me. I found an atricle online that describes this type of church:

“Have we become so co-opted by our consumer oriented age, that we treat our church like a place we shop? Have we come to a place where we want church to be like our iPods—a place of personalized choices. Do we come and consume until we find something better down the street to meet our needs? Sometimes I feel like our church is just one more brand out there. And I wonder if we have moved from a Christianity that was about relinquishing our desires, submitting to a community, learning to accept the blemishes and love those God has called us to love—to a Christianity that is all about meeting my needs, providing choices, and leaving if change does not happen on my timeline."

I touched on this concept in a previous blog of mine: consumerism. If you have time, it might be worth a flick through as it adds to my thoughts today! I think there is little doubt that we have let church become altogether 'me' focussed. Are we so concerned about making sure that it is a place where we can go and find enjoyment, or friendship, or see things being done the way we want them to that we forget who we are there for in the first place? Are we so desperate to try to make church fit our own needs that when it fails to do that quickly enough we are prepared to walk out on it?

It sounds harsh, but the truth is that the Bible doesn't suggest that Christianity is all about getting what we want from it. Rather, it talks about denying ourselves, taking up our cross, that the man who loses his life for the sake of Christ and the gospel will gain it for eternity. In the words of Paul; "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ...I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ." I don't think that Paul would have chosen imprisonment, or Stephen would have chosen to be stoned to death, but they accepted these things humbly for the sake of Christ and the building of His Kingdom.

Now I am not for a minute suggesting that we should just endure all the things we don't like about church, in fact I think we should be seeking what God wants for His church, (which may I just say is absolutely 100% dependent on prayer), but I do think we need to be careful about making sure we are just not trying to make ourselves feel better about being here.

Why was I challenged? because I realised how guilty I am of that. Sometimes I get frustrated by the slowness of change, by the seeming apathy in the Church about saving souls for the Kingdom of God, and the apathy about making a positive impact on our communities. And even if the problem isn't apathy, it still doesn't seem to be leading to much action...yet! A few times I have felt so frustrated that I have even wondered whether God has finished with the Salvation Army. I have wondered whether it is worth me putting any effort into because I just can't be bothered with trying to work for the Kingdom in a movement which is so resistant to the things that I think need to change.

That makes me just as bad as the people who resist the change because they don't think they will like it, or it is outside their comfort zones. Perhaps I have been trying to create an 'ichurch' and that is why my frustrations eat me up inside. Perhaps, however good my intentions, I need to stop thinking I know it all, and give it back to God, and let Him change us in His own time, in His own way. Perhaps I need to stop thinking about me and where I might fit into it all, and start focussing on what 'it' is all about...simply, God. How dare I think I have the right to up and leave or rather in my case, not give my life to it, when it is not suiting me or fitting in with my needs and my desires. Its utterly selfish and I need to repent of it.

But then the problem is, 'where does my responsibility to voice my opinion start, and when does it become 'ichurch'?

Guilt - is it ever right?

2007-10-17T22:37:00.000+01:00

I was having a conversation with someone the other day, and I happened to mention that I felt guilty about something I had done, (or rather hadn't done to be precise!). Immesdiately, the person I was talking to grabbed my hand and said, 'no'. She went on to explain that she didn't beileve that God ever wanted us to feel guilty. I have never really thought much about this before. To be honest, guilt forms a massive part of my every day life so I am used to feeling it, but suddenly, I was faced with a challenge about where those feelings were coming from.

My feelings of gult mainly stem from my frustration at myself for not being the person I want to be, for feeling passionately that things need to be done but never doing anything about it except getting on my soapbox. For this reason, I always considered that this sense of guilt was acceptable, because God wants me to do those things, and be that person.

However, I am now uncertain. I think there is a distinction between a sense of guilt, and a sense of responsibility, but that these often get mixed up. If that is true, then perhaps it is responsibility I should be feeling and not guilt. The person concerned went on to describe how Jesus always convicted people, but never condemned. That Jesus shows us our weaknesses and our sins but in a loving way that encourages rather than tears down. All this seems fair and reasonable. (For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. John 3:17)

And yet I look at some Biblical examples: Annanias and Saphira who died instantly because they had lied about how much they were giving; God sometimes called people's worship and sacrificial offerings detestable to him because of the state of their hearts; and most significantly, "To the angel of the church in Laodicea write: These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God's creation. I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked... Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent... To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne... Revelation 3:14-21 (selection)

I worry sometimes that we focus so much on the 'nicey nicey' stuff of God that we forget that He is also a judge. A judge who has every right to 'spit us out of his mouth' because we are lukewarm, and tells the church in Laodicea that He actually will. If we sin, but don't feel guilt, will we ever fully understand grace? Surely guilt is a natural response to sin?

BUT the person I was speaking to is one of the wisest people I know! So I am questionning...is it ever right to feel guilty as a Christian?

Vision and Revival

2007-10-07T22:20:00.000+01:00

Ok, so, this weekend I attended the main event, THE MAIN EVENT! (A kind of Salvation Army conference type thing!) I have been truly inspired. So much so that I am going to have to write numerous blogs to cover all of the topics that stuck out to me. I think I will start with tonight.

Comissioner Linda Bond is a truly inspirational woman. A woman with a heart after God's own heart and an incredible capacity for believing in the promises and purposes of God. Tonight, she opened our eyes to the purposes, the mission and the calling of The Salvation Army, reminding us of why we exist and who we exist for. I am being completely honest when I say that she spoke my heart in her preaching.

Most who read this will know that I have been struggling so much lately with the unshakable feeling that we are just 'plodding along' as an Army (and generally as a Christian body of people in the west), that for whatever reason, we seem to be making limited impact on a desperate world. More on this in another post, but tonight Linda spoke about the longing we have for 'another pentecost'. The longing William Booth had that I am sure we share today. The desire to become just like the Acts 2 church - dedicated and purposeful, and seeing the daily addition to their number of those who were being saved. That is my passion, my desire, my longing. It was almost a relief for me, like a breath of fresh air, to hear someone preaching prophetically and so powerfully about the very things that trouble my heart and mind. To hear someone else putting those thoughts and, yes, even emotions into words. And not just words, but words of hope, that suggest a future for the Salvation Army. Words that suggest that revival is possible, no not just possible, but probable. To hear someone so faithfully hoping and belieiving in that possiblity is such an encouragement.

The 2020 vision statement of the UK territory of the Salvation Army is:

We will be a Spirit-filled, radical, growing movement with a burning desire to lead people into a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ, to actively serve the community and to fight for social justice.

That is the vision of the Salvation Army. Is it the vision of Salvationists? The vision is incredible, mind blowing, and exciting. I want to be part of that movement. I want to be one of those people seeing that vision turn into reality. I want to see people being led into a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ on a regular basis. I want to see, and be a part of, the Salvation Army getting stuck in with its community, serving and reaching out and showing them 'God in Flesh', (more on that later!). I want to fight for social justice and see the lives of the poor and broken-hearted transformed by the saving love of Jesus Christ. But, I need to believe that God can do this, and most importantly, will do this. Commissioner Linda Bond was so passionate in her belief that the Salvation Army will see revival. If God is to ever turn any of my passion or longings or hopes into reaility, I have to believe in His desire to do that too. I have to believe that God will revive His people, revive His Church, and with His spirit working through us, to save the souls of the lost and wandering.

So...my personal vision statement can only be...

I will be a Spirit-filled, radical, growing Christian with a burning desire to lead people into a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ, to actively serve the community and to fight for social justice.

And my prayer can only be:

Father God, please annoint the Salvation Army to live out this vision. Please pour out your Holy Spirit on us as a Salvation Army and fill us with the passion and determination of Paul and other apostles from the early church. Father God, please send revival to the Salvation Army. And Father God, please annoint me, as a member of this movement, to be part of that vision becoming a reality. Please pour out your Holy Spirit on me and fill me with the passion and determination of Paul and other apostles from the early church. Father God, please send revival to me.

After all...I am a Salvationist am I not?

Blog List

2007-10-01T00:28:00.000+01:00

Updated!

Most improved = Jude (went from last to 7th!) Congraulations Jude.

In case you are wondering, I have slightly altered my method. When I get two or more people who have blogged the same number of times, I now base it on the most recently updated. Its more scientific that way!

How amazing is the Bible?!

2007-09-28T00:24:00.000+01:00

I just love the Bible. I love it. I take it for granted so often, but it is an incredible privalage that we have such easy access to the Word of God. A few things sparked these thoughts. I had a conversation with someone at work today who was telling me that their Dad used to smuggle Bible's into communist countries, and how high the demand for a Bible was out there simply because it was such a rare commodity. And yet here I am, able to be very choosy about which version I would like and the colour of the cover, (clearly pink is the way foward!)

I had a pretty rough day today. Nothing major but just came home feeling pretty pants and really moody. I saw my poem book lying on my bedside table and decided that writing a poem might help, (it usually does), so I opened the book to write. But the book happened to fall open on a Psalm that I had paraphrased according to my situation at the time. Reading it through I realised how much a lot of that stuff still stood. I remember the time when I wrote it, I had texted someone about it who had responded with a reference to another Psalm, Psalm 40. So today I decided to read that one too. And it said everything. It described my heart - put my feelings into words which I then prayed out.

Having had that really special moment, I felt that I would like to blog about it, but before I did I checked other people's blogs, and came accross Ann's blog which talks about word's and how powerful they can be. I totally agree, I certainly experienced that today. And then I read Dawn's blog which is simply Bible verses! So today's blogs seem to have a very definite theme!

The point of this blog? Just to say how much I love the Bible, and how incredible the Psalms are!

24-2

2007-09-24T08:46:00.000+01:00

So Romford Salvation Army Corps is praying - round the clock from 7pm Sunday night to about 9-10pm Tuesday night. I love prayer rooms. I don't know what it is about them but there is definitely something very tangibly special about them. You don't need a prayer room to pray, and I also don't believe that God is necessarily 'closer to you' in a prayer room, but there is definitely something incredible about them. Maybe it is the simple fact of purposefully going somewhere particular to pray - to spend time with God. Whatever it is, its special. I am reminded of the words that were used to open the prayer room at Romford for 24-7 about five years ago, and they are still so true today:

"As I walked through the door, I sensed His presence,
And I knew this was the place where love abounds,
For this is a temple, The God we love abides here.
We are standing in His presence on Holy ground."

I hope everyone who shares in prayer in that room this week expereinces that powerful presence.

Challenged!

2007-09-20T08:33:00.000+01:00

I have been challenged a few times during the last week. Challenge 1. Write a meaningful blog in no more than 9 lines – here goes! Challenge 2. Stop turning every simple statement into some sort of philosophy for life. The second one blew me away a bit. I hadn’t realised how much I do that unnecessarily. This morning I came to the realisation that in all my frustration and confusion about the meaning of life etc, God is in control. If God wants me here, for whatever reason, then I should get on with the business of living. If we are in a season of maintenance rather than mission in the West, then that is the context I am asked to live in, so I should do just that. I may want to be part of some great big mission, but if God has other ideas, then so be it.God is in control, and rightly so. Erm, it may be small writing, but I do believe this is 9 lines long! Hoorah!

Maintenance

2007-09-14T10:22:00.000+01:00

A little while ago I blogged about being in a very ecclesiastical mood, in the sense that I could thoroughly identify with the thoughts of Solomon in his frustrations at the meaningless of life. It was the one where I used the words of a Martina McBride song to describe my frustration at the seeming purposelessness of life. I seem to be back there. In an attempt to not repeat myself and go round in circles, I -read the blogpost and all the comments I received.

It was interesting how reading that blog, I found myself sitting up in my seat hanging onto my every word – why?, because I can echo those exact same questions today. I don’t appear to have learnt anything since then. Then I re-read the comments and noticed how helpful and insightful they were. So thanks for sending them. I realised though that I really wanted to expand on the thoughts that they produced in my mind, so if you will forgive me for reopening the discussion, I would appreciate any further help you could give.

You can re-read the whole blogpost here, but I wanted to repeat just the main paragraph that I echo today:

I told someone last week that I was in a very Ecclesiastical mood, in the sense that I am with Solomon in his frustration at the meaninglessness of life. We could build, dream, pray, believe, love and sing, and enjoy doing those things, but what does it actually achieve? Do we feel better? Maybe, yes. Although not always because the crush of disappointment can hurt like crazy, but maybe for a while, the positivity and hope represented by these lyrics can make us feel better. Someone once said to me, 'I don't know why we are here on this earth, but we are here, so we might as well enjoy it.' Is that it? Is our whole purpose in life just to make ourselves feel better about being here? To try to find some smidgen of enjoyment in an otherwise rubbish life? Is there something more? Does hoping, building, praying, believing, loving or singing change anything? Do we do these things to mask the rubishness of life, or are they worthwhile in themselves. Are they things we should do because they change the world or because they make us feel better?

I would like to add to this. In one of my comments I said, “I think my issues must stem from the fact that I am a very task-oriented person, and to exist just because we do, rather than to achieve some task, sits very very very uncomfortably with me. I don't know why. Perhaps its too much self-importance.” This is most definitely my problem.

I have recently started reading the book ‘Meltdown’ by Marcus Honeysett, and even the introduction sent my mind spiralling away on a course of its own. The book is about postmodernism and how to live in and react to a culture where anything goes. The introduction just described the basics of post-modern thinking, and I have to say it made me very sad, and very frustrated, and made me feel very small. What can I do? What can I offer to a world that accepts everything but believes nothing? To be honest it made me feel a bit worthless. One part of me so wants to do ‘something’ for God – to try to do my part in building His Kingdom but I can’t help but feel the pointlessness of it. It hit me that my feelings of not being able to make a difference were actually based on truth. Of course I can’t change the world – only God can – by myself I can do nothing. And I believe that, agree with that and live by that.

However, I can’t help but feel that God might be just letting this one ‘play out’ for a while. You know how in the Old Testament, God often let the Israelites do their own thing for a while until He either sent a prophet to tell them to change, or got angry with them, or brought them back to Himself. I can’t help but feel that Western society might be in that place right now – being allowed to do our own thing until eventually God is going to do something.

Do you think that is true? Is that what God is doing? If it is He has every right, and it does fit in with the way in which He has worked in the past. I certainly have been feeling a lot over the last year or so that the Church (not our specific one, but the Church in the West as a whole) seems to be just trying to hold on. Trying to maintain itself – trying to keep the Christian faith alive until God steps in again. (Not the church’s fault – just the way it is for the time being).

On one hand it kind of makes me excited about looking to the future to when He might intervene and how and when He might do that, but on the other, it makes me feel a little frustrated that I ended up living in these times. I don’t want any part of trying to just ‘hold on’. I don’t want to be straining and striving to just keep it going. I want to be part of something bigger – to be seeing the outworking of that, to be part of the ‘thing’ that God is going to do. I guess those feelings come from my own pride, but I can’t help it, its how I feel. And yet I know that if this is where we are – if this is God’s plan for the here and now, then I have to step up and be ready to face that challenge, however disheartening it can be.

Becca’s comment from the blog I wrote said, “Jurgen Moltman… said it isn't about looking at divine history or purpose- it's about looking at your life. The world can't end, can't reach its ultimate destiny until you have been here. Not because you are destined to do anything special, not because you personally are gonna save the world, but because God wanted you and it cant fulfill its destiny without you. The why has already been answered- you do it because you are alive, and you want to be happy. Why do you feel bad about being here in the first place? You shouldn't. God did the why and the how and the where just so you could exist. Sometimes pointless stuff is just about revelling in God.”

I am sorry but I can’t live with the knowledge that I exist ‘just because’ and for no other reason. Maybe I am trying to make myself feel more significant than I am, but if that is the case, I don’t want any part of this world. I know I am not going to personally save the world, but with God using the church surely we can? – isn’t that the whole point? If its not what is it? Are we just here as some part of fun game?

Richard’s comment on the blog said:

Some Purpose Driven answers...

Build it anyway - why?
Because building it will enable me to serve others with it (Ministry)
But will it actually make a difference to the Kingdom of God?

Dream it anyway - why?
Because dreaming it will enable me to grow more like Jesus (Discipleship)
Or crush me with disappointment when nothing seems to come of it!

Pray it anyway - why?
Because praying it conforms me to His will and purpose (Discipleship)
Even if that purpose is one of just trying to keep existing rather than making a difference – how hard is that?

Believe it anyway - why?
Because believing it will help me share it with others (Mission)
Not that they will be changed by what I say anyway – they will be fine with the fact that I believe it – anything goes, but they wont see that it is the ONE TRUTH that they need to believe. (I know this sounds soooooo negative – forgive me – I am frustrated).

Love them anyway - why?
Because loving them helps me build authentic Christian community with them (Fellowship).
Yep fair point.

Sing it anyway - why?
Because singing it tells God just how worthy He is (Worship)
Also a fair point.

Maybe I just need to get to a place where I can accept that during my lifetime, I will not necessarily be part of any major advances in God’s Kingdom. Maybe I need to change my ideas about the point in me being here and existing. Maybe I just need to live life and enjoy it and not bother trying to figure out if there is something more. But if that’s the case, surely my life goes like this:

Born…
Learn…
Earn…
Gather possessions…
Die and take none of it with me...
Go to be with God.

The last bit is the only non-pointless bit right?!

Told you I was in an Ecclesiastical mood!

Sorry for the length and negativity of this post. I am really trying to get past this. I am trying to listen to what people say and not only respond negatively to it, but to take positive action from it, and I promise I will try again, but right now I just needed to splurge my thoughts because my mind is going to explode otherwise.

Thanks for reading and for all the helpful thoughts you often provide for me. I do appreciate it.

(By the way - do you like how transparent this blog was?!?!?!?!)

Transparency

2007-09-03T13:40:00.000+01:00

I don’t know where it started but this word has been rolling around in my mind for a long while now. Cedric has kind of blogged about it, Liz has blogged about it, now its my turn!

Being transparent seems to always be considered a good thing. If a business is transparent in its dealings with its customers, that is good. If a charity is transparent about where Mr Joe Public’s money actually goes, then that is good. If a company is transparent about its morals – where they get their goods, how much the initial producers are paid, and so on, this is good, (highly unlikely, but good). It is this that makes me a little bit frustrated. I hate it when things are hidden from me – when I want information and I can’t get it – when I want to be able to make the best decisions about what brands to buy, but finding out where a store gets its products is seemingly impossible. There have been times where I have just longed for the whole world to become completely transparent – where nobody hid anything from anyone.

Then I looked at myself and realised how un-transparent I can be. I don’t like to share every detail of my life with everyone. I like to share lots of it with lots of people, but the really personal stuff, I like to keep within a small group of very trustworthy friends and family. Is that wrong? Surely not. Last Sunday I went to a different church – a small church, and met some people for the first time. I was completely blown away by how much of their lives these people shared with me. I don’t know them from Adam and yet they shared so personally. I found it really fresh and honest and felt privileged that these people wanted to do that. I don’t think I would have shared that openly – why the difference?

But then again, is it not possible that if you shared that intimately with everyone all the time it would begin to get a bit boring and annoying for people? For someone who thinks and analyses the amount I do, it would certainly begin to grate on people if I was consistently sharing everything that was on my mind – and it would probably get them as jumbled as my mind feels most of the time!

My thoughts on this subject were further developed when I started watching, “Big Brother On the Couch”. To be honest I found myself wanting to shout at the T.V. most of the time. The idea, (for those sane people who don’t watch big brother), is that Davina talks to a bunch of psychologists, who perform loads of ‘experiments’ on the housemates and then analyse their behaviour to say what that shows about them. I hate it. I hate it because of a few things:

They are extremely inconsistent in their judgements
They come to conclusions I don’t always agree with
They make a really big deal out of very small things which probably don’t mean anything
They think they’re soooo clever
They frighten me

Ok so I may analyse myself, but I don’t like being analysed, and the thought that they are teaching people how to do that is horrible. Especially because my body language tends to have a habit of giving me away.

On one hand I can see the need for a transparent society, a transparent church, and transparent friendships, but on the other hand – will we live to regret it?

Secondly, it made me think about the amount of things about himself God has not yet revealed to us. God is not transparent, He can be extremely complicated. There is so much we don’t know, so much we don’t understand. Even when He ‘speaks’ to us, it can be in very un-transparent ways that make you question whether it’s really God at all.

So is transparency really as good as we think? Surely sometimes people not knowing everything is better?

Updated

2007-08-29T09:01:00.000+01:00

Blog list updated - I had to do it early as I am not going to have internet access now till 5th September. I had a problem - there was a tie for first place! I chose to put Sarah top because she went to Wetherby. Don't know why that makes her go top but it does! There were an awful lot of zero's this time, but congratulations to Claire who made the biggest improvement!

Pink!

2007-08-24T09:15:00.001+01:00

...It had to be done!

Things that I find Amazing – Part 1: The Effect of Heat. (See 1st post below!)

2007-08-21T14:27:00.000+01:00

Ok, so I am sure there are some very scientific reasons for this, and I am sure I will probably sound a little bit dense when I say this, but I do find it amazing so here goes:

I went to visit a friend of mine at the weekend, and this friend happens to be an all round brilliant hostess. She cooked a roast dinner for us on Sunday, which was delicious – but feeling bad leaving her in the kitchen on her own for that long I decided to see if I could help out. I was given the task of stirring the gravy – (a very important job I’ll have you know – who likes lumpy gravy?!). For a long time I was just stirring away, until gradually I began to notice the gravy getting thicker. Now I know that this is because of the effect of heat on the flour, but I just suddenly realised how amazing that was. How brilliant that heat can change the properties of something!

But it doesn’t only happen with gravy! Oh no! Heat makes cakes rise, and turn from a thick liquid type substance into beautifully fluffy sponge, it turns a bunch of fatty but delicious ingredients into caramel, and so much more!

I am all for science teaching us the reasons how this happens, but what science can’t tell me is why! It can tell me something about how molecules move around, or join or whatever it is they do, but it doesn’t tell us who told heat to do that to things, it doesn’t tell us why heat decided to move those molecules – just that it did. Why did heat end up with the ability to do this? What made flour have these properties? I know it’s a very little thing, but I find it a little bit mind blowing! It speaks to me so clearly of a designer. Someone who thought all that out and knew that heat would be useful for cooking and baking and making really nice things. How did he think in such minute detail? Isn’t it incredible?!

Things I find amazing

2007-08-21T13:40:00.000+01:00

If you look to the right, you will hopefully see a new link list called, 'Things I find Amazing.' I often have these occurances in life where I notice something quite usual - something we use every day and take for granted, and yet when you really take time to think about it, it is incredible. I love finding these things. It is something my friend Mel and I used to think about a lot when we were at Uni. Others thought (probably quite rightly), that we were mad, but I can't seem to stop doing it. When i thought of one the other day, it made me feel so peaceful - so looked after, that I thought I ought to record these things somewhere. So i have chosen to start a new blog with these little thoughts on it. I am going to copy them to my main blog as well to start with so no need to read it twice, but I wanted to start it as a seperate blog for two reasons:

So that I had a record of them that I didn't have to search through for ages to find
In case anybody else ever did this, and fancied writing to the blog too. If you do, let me know and I will add you as a co-author.

Anyway - thought I would explain myself a little. The first part will follow shortly...

Oliver

2007-08-17T11:03:00.001+01:00

I couln't let the opportunity pass to share this photo with you. Call me a proud aunty if you will but HOW CUTE IS MY NEPHEW?!?!?!!!

?

2007-08-06T16:53:00.000+01:00

The other day during a conversation, I listened to someone practically scream, 'who am I?' I realsied that this was a question which has come up in numerous blogs and poems etc over the last year or so; and yet I have to admit, that in spite of all that discussion, I am still no closer to discovering who I really am.

I am a very very analytical person, particularly when it comes to myself - my attitudes, my feelings, my thoughts, my motivations, my decisions - I could go on! And yet I don't really know myself. For me, the poem below sums it up:

I don’t know what I’m good at, Or even what I’m not.
I don’t know what my gifts are, or which ‘gifts’ aren’t so hot.
I don’t know when I feel indifferent, or where passions lie.
I don’t know what I’m meant to do, or when I should decline.

I don’t know when I’m deceiving myself, I don’t know when I’m right.
I don’t know how to believe myself, or how to stop the fight.
I don’t know what my heart says, or what I truly feel.
I don’t know who I am inside, I don’t know what is real.

So my question - can we ever truly know ourselves? Can we ever be sure that what we say we feel or think is real? Is it possible to decieve yourself? Is it possible that you could have become so analytical that you don't even know what's real and what's not anymore?

Is it sometimes right to just go ahead and do something even if you are not sure its 'right', just because you are so tired of analysing it, and so confused by it all that you can't even distinguish anymore what is true and what is not?

Sometimes I think that other people know or understand me better than I do myself. Is that possible?

The Blog List...

2007-08-01T09:19:00.000+01:00

Yes it has been updated!

Welcome back to Richard Wright who has succeeded in not only being back on the list but being somewhere near the top thanks to his recent blogging surge.

New additions are Cedric Hills and Jon Fuller, both of whom have great blogs. I recommend you check them out.

Having returned from her trip, Amy's blog has now ceased to function as has Keith Hall's so we say goodbye to them.

Matt White remains near the top despite the fact that many of his blogs are actually stolen from youtube.

That's all folks - make sure you check out the new additions!

Fullness of Life?

2007-07-25T14:36:00.000+01:00

Following on from a conversation I was having the other day, I have decided to blog about the following passage of scripture:

“I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10b

I realise that taking part of a verse like this completely takes it out of its context, so I should probably just add that Jesus says this to the Pharisees when He is talking about Himself as a gate for the sheep – the idea being that people will follow Him because they recognise His voice.

My questions relate very specifically to this idea of having life to the full. In-particular, what does is mean to have life to the full? The Bible is very clear about the need for followers of Jesus to be unworldly. There are many passages I could quote here – let me name a few:

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2

“Do not be overawed when a man grows rich, when the splendor of his house increases;
for he will take nothing with him when he dies, his splendor will not descend with him.
Though while he lived he counted himself blessed— and men praise you when you prosper” Psalm 49:16-18

"Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." And he, (Jesus) told them this parable: "The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.' Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, "You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry." 'But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?' Luke 12:14-20

So I guess from these examples we can assume that ‘life in all its fullness’ does not necessarily mean a life filled with worldly possessions.

So what does it mean? That we can have life in all its fullness without having ‘stuff’. That God is enough in Himself to completely satisfy us and to give us a rich full life? So why do we crave stuff? Why can you be living your life for God – truly loving Him and yet feel that there is more, that you are missing something – or even more difficult to understand – that you are simply bored with your life?

I guess the only answer I can see to it is that these people aren’t being completely satisfied by God – most likely because they aren’t giving Him enough of themselves in the first place. Is that right? If so, how can this problem be solved? “Give God more of yourself” is not enough of an answer without there being some practical way of working that out in each person’s individual life. If someone is bored, how do they become not bored?

It makes me wonder whether the problem is really spiritual. For someone who is bored – can the answer to that be found in the world? If so how do you find it, and how does that then relate to the Bible passages earlier that say that ‘stuff’ is meaningless?

Additionally, I went to the commissioning of some new Salvation Army Officers at the weekend, and one persona testimony really made me think. She said that before she accepted Officership in the Salvation Army to be God’s call on her life and followed that call, there was something missing in her life. Now that she has followed her calling and found her vocation, she feels fulfilled. I am really pleased for her – don’t get me wrong, but I just wondered how long that would last? It’s easy to say when it’s all new and exciting, but is it really the thing that will satisfy her and allow her to feel that fulfilment for the rest of her life? For those that haven’t found that fulfilment then, is it all about searching for the thing that is going to fulfil you? Isn’t that what we say people are doing when they are searching for meaning in the bottom of a bottle, or in drugs etc. Don’t we say to them that they can find their fulfilment in God?

We talk about God being like the missing piece of a jigsaw – (the jigsaw representing life) but what about when someone has God and yet still feels like there is a missing piece? Does it go on and on until we are finally with Jesus forever – face to face, able to be in His complete presence?

I guess the questions boil down to one main point (as per usual!) if Jesus came to give life, and life in all its fullness, how does it then follow that some people who have given their lives to Him, given up stuff for Him, work hard for Him, and have a relationship with Him can still find themselves with lives that feel anything but full? What does He mean when He says, I came to give life, and life to the full?

I would like to finish with a disclaimer! I am not bored of life - anything but! In fact life is so full sometimes that my head thinks it might explode! Its more just that after a conversation, I realised that I really didn't fully understand this, so hoped that others might be able to help!

Child of the 80's - yup - well and truly!

2007-07-20T09:24:00.000+01:00

Ok - unusual blog for me! But I saw this on facebook and I got soooooo excited! Sorry for all those non-80's people! But this is soo cool!

Description: You know you were a kid in the 80s if any of these are familiar.....

Um Bongo, Um Bongo, They drink it in the Congo Yup

Friendship bracelets were ties that couldn't be broken. Yup

You know all the words to "Ice Ice Baby". Nope – but remember the song!

You wanted to be on "Jim'll Fix It". Yup – Lee wrote in like every week!

You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before he had plastic surgery. Yup

You had one of those T-shirts that changed colour with heat (Global Hypercolour). Nope

You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off". Huh?!

You were upset when She-ra, Princess of Power and He-Man got cancelled. Yup but He-Man was the best!

You remember Madonna in her cone stage outfit. Yup

You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince." Yup

You wore fluorescent-neon clothing... (if you can call it clothing!) Yup! And shell suits!

You remember when Amiga was a state of the art video game system. Yes yes yes – Oh how I miss it!

You remember M.C. Hammer. Sort of

You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air".... Yes – I really can!

You can remember when it was Jazzy Jeff and The fresh Prince and NOT just plain Will Smith! No!

You own any cassettes. Yup!

You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins, ALF or ET lunchbox. Yup, I think I might have had Alf – I also had my little pony.

You have ever pondered on why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf. Didn’t really watch the smurfs

My Little Pony, Gummy Bears and Transformers are familiar to you. Yes, yes! Transformers, robots in disguise! And Lee used to sing My little pony, skinny and bony at me!

You had a Swatch Watch. Don’t think I ever actually had one? Did I?

You believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!" Yes yes! The power of greyskull!

Big wheels and BMX's were the way to go. Yup

You sang to Kylie and Jason! Yes!

You owned Polly Pocket or Micro Machines. Polly pocket – yes! Why were they so cool?!

Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away. Ha ha! Yes it really did!

You knew that Transformers were "more than meets the eye". Yeah!

You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living in space. Ha ha! Not sure I ever believed it!

Girls - You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish. Yes – so that I could do handstands in the playground!

You recorded songs off the radio. Yes yes!

You wore those wide, colourful shoelaces. Oh yeah!

You never questioned why the A-Team were always imprisoned in places that had sufficient tools to build an armoured tank. Absolutely not – the A-Team were simply incredible – you didn’t question them!

Dungeons & Dragons was your favourite programme...you understand why they couldn't leave the unicorn. Wasn’t my favourite, but I remember it.

You did the top toggle of your coat up around your neck without having your arms in the sleeves, and you knew you looked like a superhero. Yeah! And those toggles were well cool!

Your new winter coat was best used to demonstrate that your wings were like a shield of steel. What?!

You remember watching a house inhabited by a jester, a pantomime horse and a woman who sneezed, and thinking that this was perfectly normal. Nope! What was that?

You tried to convince your Dad to fit a strip of red lights on the front of a Capri so it looked like KITT. No – huh?! - Oh night rider! I loved night-rider!

You had more than 10 sweets in a 10p mix-up. Yes – so true!

You hid behind the sofa whenever you heard the word "Exterminate!". Yeah! Exterminate, exterminate.

Boys - You wore pale grey shoes with white towelling socks. Ha ha!

You held a chicken in the air or stuck a deckchair up your nose. What?!

Your best mate had a Soda Stream at home and you were jealous. Not my best mate – but my Nan had one and we seriously loved it! Those were the days when soda streams had glass bottles – none of this plastic rubbish!

Any elderly Scottish lady sounds like Supergran. yeah yeah yeah!

You remember playing British Bulldog, Yep!

When 'Computer' Tennis, Pac-Man and Donkey-Kong ruled yeah!

You remember hearing the tune then running out to buy an ice cream cone on a warm summer night - 99's, screwballs or a cider lolly. Yeah! (Not a cider lolly, but the other two definitely!)

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Yeah!

Important decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo." Yes yes yes!

Incidently, I can't believe they haven't mentioned great things such as 'Thundercats - HO!' and Bananaman and Knightmare, The care bears and all the other great shows!

Gideon

2007-07-16T13:12:00.000+01:00

I decided recently to start trying to read through the Old Testament. Having tried this on numerous occasions before and only making it as far as the first couple of chapters in Leviticus, I decided that this time I would start at Joshua. I will come back to the fist five books if I make it to the end of the Old Testament! Anyway – I am in Judges right now and have recently been reading about Gideon. I find his story a very interesting one. Gideon is often used as an example of one of the ‘unlikely’ people that ended up being used by God to have a massive influence on Jewish history. There are a couple of things about his story that I haven’t been able to get out of my mind so I thought I would blog them!

First the Bible bits!

With the tip of the staff that was in his hand, the angel of the LORD touched the meat and the unleavened bread. Fire flared from the rock, consuming the meat and the bread. And the angel of the LORD disappeared. When Gideon realized that it was the angel of the LORD, he exclaimed, "Ah, Sovereign LORD! I have seen the angel of the LORD face to face!" Judges 6:21-22

Gideon said to God, "If you will save Israel by my hand as you have promised- look, I will place a wool fleece on the threshing floor. If there is dew only on the fleece and all the ground is dry, then I will know that you will save Israel by my hand, as you said." And that is what happened. Gideon rose early the next day; he squeezed the fleece and wrung out the dew—a bowlful of water. Then Gideon said to God, "Do not be angry with me. Let me make just one more request. Allow me one more test with the fleece. This time make the fleece dry and the ground covered with dew." That night God did so. Only the fleece was dry; all the ground was covered with dew. Judges 6:36-40

My first pondering: Gideon saw the angel, spoke to the angel, watched the angel perform a miracle and finally believed he was an angel. Then proceeded to test God again TWICE just to make sure! I know this is a question which is commonly asked but it does make you wonder – is it ok to test God? When Jesus was being tempted he quoted from Deuteronomy 6:16 saying do not put the Lord your God to the test. Yet here is Gideon testing God and God responding to him. I think my opinion on this is that we should try to trust God always, and the ideal is that we would never need to put Him to the test in this way – but He understands that we are human and have fears and so He may well respond when we test Him.

If Gideon had woke up in the morning to find the test failed how would he have known whether that was because God refuses to be tested, or because God actually wasn’t going to help him? Making it more relevant, if we tested God about something we may think He is saying to us, (rightly or wrongly) and God responded – we would know it was God speaking. BUT if he didn’t respond, we may still be unsure right? Does it mean for definite that God wasn’t speaking, or just that He doesn’t want to have to prove Himself like that?

Clearly the best option is to not test God in the first place, but then how can you KNOW that it is God speaking, and not just some random thing going on in your mind? I have thought about all these things before, but reading about Gideon just rose these ponderings in my mind again.

Early in the morning, Jerub-Baal (that is, Gideon) and all his men camped at the spring of Harod. The camp of Midian was north of them in the valley near the hill of Moreh. The LORD said to Gideon, "You have too many men for me to deliver Midian into their hands. In order that Israel may not boast against me that her own strength has saved her, announce now to the people, 'Anyone who trembles with fear may turn back and leave Mount Gilead.' " So twenty-two thousand men left, while ten thousand remained.

But the LORD said to Gideon, "There are still too many men. Take them down to the water, and I will sift them for you there. If I say, 'This one shall go with you,' he shall go; but if I say, 'This one shall not go with you,' he shall not go."

So Gideon took the men down to the water. There the LORD told him, "Separate those who lap the water with their tongues like a dog from those who kneel down to drink." Three hundred men lapped with their hands to their mouths. All the rest got down on their knees to drink. The LORD said to Gideon, "With the three hundred men that lapped I will save you and give the Midianites into your hands. Let all the other men go, each to his own place." So Gideon sent the rest of the Israelites to their tents but kept the three hundred, who took over the provisions and trumpets of the others. Judges 7:1-8

Second pondering: “The Lord said to Gideon”. Ok, so I could have picked on a number of people in the Old Testament for this one, but since we are with Gideon lets stay there! What on earth does ‘The Lord said to Gideon’ mean? How did the Lord say stuff to Gideon? We know before God spoke to Him through an angel – a visible presence – but what about now. We aren’t told of any angel this time! Ok so clearly we can’t know the answer to that one, but that is so frustrating! If it was just some voice in Gideon’s mind or some feeling inside him, I can’t imagine that he would have been quite so willing to believe it as he seemingly was. If Gideon was lacking in trust before, he is certainly proving himself now! Surely he couldn’t possibly go from seeing and speaking with an angel, then testing God twice, to suddenly being prepared to act on a voice in his head?!

I know it shouldn’t really matter – we don’t need to know the answers to these things, but if God gives us specific instructions these days through our minds or through feelings then how can we learn to believe them to be actually from God? I know God often uses the Bible, a verse here or there which seems to clarify what He is saying, or other people who will do the same, but its just so easy to identify those things as coincidences rather than the voice of God. Isn’t it? How can one be sure?

I can picture the response to this right now - its about faith Kirsty! I know that, and I agree. But what if you put your faith in hearing a message from God and then it turns out you were wrong?!

There is sooooo much more that Gideon’s story has to ponder on, but for now I will leave it at that! I have to get through the rest of Judges at some point!

Performance or Worship ...Part 1 - maybe!

2007-07-10T13:40:00.000+01:00

Right. The time has come to blog about a subject which has been on my mind for months. This may have to extend to a 3 part blog or something like that because over time, this whole concept has interested me in many different aspects of life. This post will be devoted mainly to its application to worship – in particular ‘times of worship’ within a church context. Now clearly worship is much more than just singing songs in church – I realise that, but it is that bit of worship that I am focussing on right now, and I can’t think of another way of expressing that – so for this blog whenever you read worship – read ‘sung worship’!

To give a bit of context, I sing in the worship band at my church along with Dawn. I love being part of the worship band, for a few reasons:

We have fun
I love singing, (though I am not the best singer in the world, I still love singing! What a revelation!)
I am convinced that all the members of the worship band understand that what we do is way more than just play an instrument, (or sing), and even rehearsals become worshipful experiences almost every week.

So what’s the issue? Well I have a bit of a ‘thing’ about standing on the platform to sing when I am worshipping – in full view of everyone. I know its not wrong – but it often feels really funny to me. Even though I am often truly worshipping, it can feel like it comes across as a performance. From many discussions we have had, I know that other members of the worship band are concerned that we never try to put on a performance – but rather that we aid worship. Therefore, we try not to worry too much if things go a little wrong, if we miss a key change every now and then and so on. It is nice that this is the aim – but I wonder how often it comes across as a performance rather than worship.

I thought about this a lot this weekend while I was away with the songsters, (the senior choir at my church). We went to the Salvation Army in Swindon to lead their worship for a Saturday night, and the two Sunday services. I happen to think that Romford songsters are always very careful to make what we present worship rather than a performance – thanks to the great leadership of Sharon.

All of this sounds really good – but I struggle mainly with the concept of how ‘good’ we are at what we do. I know it sounds arrogant and is probably a biased opinion, but I happen to think that we have really been blessed at Romford with many people with great skills to aid worship. I think the songsters are really good, so is the brass band, and the singing company and the young people’s band. The worship band are getting better, (I think), Doxology are brilliant. But not only just to do with music – we have people who are brilliant at drama and dance and speaking, and putting meetings together which are interesting and inspirational.

Of course the church isn’t perfect and there are many things which could be better, but this is really my point. Most of the people involved in the above ‘stuff’ go to rehearsals to enable us to get even better, or if not driven by rehearsals, people try very very hard to make sure that whatever is done on Sundays is of a high standard and is enjoyable and interesting. I just worry about how easy it can be to fall into the trap of making every Sunday a ‘show’ rather than worship. (Don’t get me wrong – I don’t think that actually happens – but you will see why this is a concern for me in a moment!)

I once went to a friends church to watch a talent show. To be honest, it was pretty poor standard, (I know how awful this sounds), but I would have been embarrassed taking a non-Christian friend to that – I don’t think it would encourage them to come back! I feel so guilty writing that because I know that we believe that in God’s eyes it was wonderful, (providing it was all coming from the heart!) and so it shouldn’t really matter that it wasn’t great in the ‘world’s standards’. But I am also so conscious of trying to make things culturally relevant, and being able to capture people’s attention, in order to get them interested in the message.

Where is the balance? How can we ensure that we don’t get so caught up in ‘putting on a good perfomance’ that it fails to be worship, and yet ensure that we are good enough to attract people’s attention, and to keep people interested and wanting to attend?

Instructions

2007-06-24T22:17:00.000+01:00

I thought a few days ago that I would like to write a quick blog update on the progress of my new flat, but after the last couple of days, this post is no longer going to be 'quick'! Sorry about that!

Since I first got the keys to my flat, my Mum and Dad have been working tirelessly all day every day, (in their holiday's), to put laminate flooring down over the whole of the flat. What would I do without them?! This is very nearly done now - just got small amount of beading left to do. Its taken a long time because none of us have ever done this before - and the only right angles in my flat are in the airing cupboard, and much of the flat is on a curve! This is humorous as I like everything neatly and in straight lines!

Over the last couple of days my friends, my mum and I have been trying to build flat packed furniture. This we have done many times before, and should have been no problem - except for one thing; I bought my coffee tables from ILVA and my bedoom furniture from Argos. Do not ever do this! When you are used to building IKEA furniture, ILVA and Argos are not good options. The instructions IKEA give you are clear, precise, and never leave you with any room for doubt, (I have found). They clearly point out every step - even to the point of showing you when you need to turn the pieces over, and which way they should be facing. ILVA had one page worth of pictures that we had to somehow decipher. Argos instructions were even worse. At one point they told us to screw a drawer to the runner without telling us which hole to use, or which direction to go in, (out of the drawer or into the drawer). Now you may be thinking this is common sense, but my Mum and I had to try every combination before finding one that worked! A simple job ended up being very difficult.

I have realised that in life in general, I love being instructed. At work, I will do the things I am told to do, and will enjoy doing them, and doing them to the best of my ability, but when it comes to having to make a decision, or taking the initiative - I would always ask for direction from my boss or colleagues first. I aways need the confirmation that I am doing the right thing.

In my Christian life I am very grateful to have the Bible which gives clear instructions for Christian living. However, as we know, sometimes it can be difficult to know or agree about how certain passages are meant to be applied to our lives and our culture today. I don't like this much. I like the answers, I like the clear direction, I don't like having to work it out for myself. I am excited about all the enthusiasm for mission there is in our church right now. It is cool to see all the passion - but I also feel a bit frustrated about it all. Why? Because there isn't anyone saying this is what you need to do - go and do it. I feel a bit like I am waiting for that to happen. For someone to work out what it all means, and then tell me what to do. I desperately want to be involved, but I want to be told how.

A couple of people said tonight that the answer to most of our questions or frustrations is 'us', suggesting that we have to take some initiative in figuring out what do do, and how to turn our passion into action. But what do we do if the thought of making things happen yourself fills you with dread, or frustration, or completely overwhelms you, or worst of all, makes you feel so alone? Of course I know we are not alone in it because as people keep saying, we have each other, but what is the point in us having each other if we basically have to be the answer ourselves anyway? Is it not possible that we belong to the body of Christ because there are some of us who will be able to work out the meaning of the scriptures, then some who will be able to tell us what thatlooks like in our culture, and our community, and then others who can give directives and work out strategies and plans, and then otehrs who take that direction and do the things that have been suggested?

'Do I have to change?' is my basic question. Should I be trying to work out how to implement the teachings of the Bible in my community? Should I be working it out for myself, making decisions and taking action - or is it ok for me to wait on others to do that part? Should I be figuring it out, being brave and learning how to be a bit more self-reliant, or should I be taking my place in a team - which currently means waiting? Am I being lazy by saying that? Taking the easy option because I don't want to have to do the other stuff and deal with all the emotions that invokes in me? What if I can't do that because the thought of that is so massive that I am left immobilized because I get overwhelmed. If that is how it makes me feel, should I be listening to my emotions and hearing that this is simply not my role, and I can sit back and wait, or should I be striving to work through those emotions and make them go away so that i can do something about it? If I do that, will I just burn myself out because it is not really 'me', or will I discover that maybe it is really 'me' after all?

Sorry - I know its very personal, but I am guessing I am not the only one feeling like this. Its good to be able to understand the reason why I have been feeling so frustrated for so long - now I just need to know what to do about it!

Making the most of it!

2007-06-19T12:45:00.000+01:00

At the weekend I went to Bracknell for a reunion with my uni friends. We only get to meet up together about twice a year and so these times are really special. We had a superb weekend – it was so much fun. I am always amazed by how easy it is to be with these guys, even though we see each other so rarely. Anyway, we had an enormous amount of fun. There are many highlights, but there was one in particular that made me think.

My friend Jo spent a while before the weekend thinking of ways she could keep us all entertained for the weekend as she was the host (And was brilliant at it – thanks Jo!). One of the things we were all really keen to do was go on a picnic and have cream teas! But unfortunately, the weather didn’t seem to appreciate this, and decided to rain on and off all day on Saturday. We weren’t sure whether to risk it or not – we wanted to go, but we also didn’t want to get caught in a downpour, so we improvised.

Jo has a lovely garden, so we decided that would be a great spot to have our picnic, but because we wanted it to feel authentic, we trekked all the way round the block and came in the fence to the back-garden. The rule was that we weren’t allowed in the house, because in theory it wasn’t really there. So to get home afterwards we had to walk back round the block again!

Ok, it might sound silly, but it made it really fun, and we had such a laugh. And we got our picnic! We made the most of our day, in spite of the complications the weather brought us, (in fact it was probably even more special because of the fun created by the rain).

It made me think quite a bit about how easy it is to moan about things, but because we are so busy looking at the negative, we forget to see how we can make the most of it. (See Sarah’s blog!)

This concept is all well and good for picnics and the crazy weather we are currently experiencing, but what about things which disappoint or hurt or get in the way at a deeper level. I know there are some things in my life I am disappointed about and that prevent me from doing what I really want to do, or from being what I really want to be. I guess this experience should teach me that I should try to make the best out of my situation, (Viv Thomas in his book ‘Second Choice’ talks about this). But its hard isn’t it. I had to ask myself, ‘why is it so hard?’ The point is that if I know that I can make it better by making the most out of it, why do I refuse to? Is it better to live with the misery, or to enjoy the benefits of taking positive action?

During all of these thoughts, the word that kept coming back to me over and over again was ‘acceptance’. To make the most of your situation, you first have to learn to accept it. That is the hard bit – and the bit that I get to a quandary. Is it always right to accept your situation? Sometimes, shouldn’t we fight to change it rather than just simply making the best out of it? And most importantly, how do you decide which things to accept, and which things to fight for?

...Finally

2007-06-15T09:06:00.000+01:00

Yes, that's right! I have the keys. (Ok, so I took this picture from google - its not my actual key, but it makes the point!) Now is the fun part - decorating and designing. There are so many possibilities... what clock shall I get?!?!

Should I change who I am?

2007-06-05T23:10:00.000+01:00

Over recent weeks, it has become clear that I am not assertive enough. It has been suggested to me on more than one occasion that perhaps, I have a tendancy to let people walk all over me. Now I am fortunate that most people I know would never take advantage of this, but what about people who I don't know well? I realise that anyone reading this may be a little confused. I know that in certain areas of my life, I know my mind, and am not afraid to state it. This is really only when it comes to things about God though. In that area, I think I have a lot of praying to do because gentleness is not always very evident in my character. (Sorry about that!)

However, when it comes to anything non-spiritual, I err on the side of caution about stating my mind. The thing is I have a big fear of conflict, and would always try to avoid it wherever possible. I now have a situation that I need to be a little firm about and I am too scared to do it. Andy and I have a few things in common at the moment with all this moving house palava, - a palava which seems to be made worse by the fact that I am the way I am.

Numerous times I have been told that someone will ring me, and they don't. I have been left out in terms of information sharing - I always seem to be the last to hear about what is happening with the arrangements, and I feel like I - the housebuyer - am getting in the way. When I talk to people or ask advice about this situation, I always seem to get a similar response. People are saying that I need to ring the financial advisors and my soliciter and bug them until they do something. That I should be firm with them, and give them dates when i expect things to be done by. There was a situation last week with the mortgage. I have analysed this situation over and over, and for the life of me I can't find anything in it that could have possibly been my fault, and so i am told to remind them that they have been the ones that have made the mistake.

The trouble is, none of that is me. Its not in my character, its not who I am. Instead of telling them its their fault, I am much more likely to apologise to them for taking up so much of their time. I can't make demands or be firm with them. On a number of occasions I have decided I will, but then bottle out, and instead sit on my hands and hope that it will work out. (Which frustrates some of my colleagues immensely!) Clearly this is not the best solution to the problem. I could ask someone else to hassle them, but I don't want to always have to rely on someone else to fight my battles for me, so the upshot is, I need to be brave and be firm. But then I am faced with a quandry, because I also want to be gentle. I would rather take the blame myself than dish it out to other people, (even if I can't see how it could be my fault). I don't want to compromise who I am in order to be who everyone else tells me I should be - we are always told not to do that.

I used my example there because I think it helps to have a bit of context, but I don't want this post to be limited to thinking about that specific situation. (I do realise that I have to be more assertive about it - whether I will remains to be seen!) Really this blog (in case you hadn't guessed), is to do with a much broader concept - that of, 'how do we retain who we are fundametally, yet still grow in our characters?' One of my real passions is discipleship. I really long to see people growing spiritually, being purposeful about their lives, understanding more about who God is so that they can learn to love Him and therefore worship Him more. That they can be freed into ministry and witness. I get how we can grow spirituially and yet still be 'ourselves'. What I don't get is how we can change our characters and still be 'ourselves'. Isn't what defines 'ourselves' our characters? Surely by changing one of my characteristics I am changing fundamental things about who I am. We are always told, 'just be yourself', but if that is true, we would never grow, never become better people, never adjust to what society demands of us.

So surely being dissatisfied with who we are can be a good thing, if it causes us to change for the better?

...and yet there were more

2007-06-02T21:33:00.000+01:00

In continuation from my last blog post...I couldn't wait till Monday night! I had to blog some more blessings! Well one in particular! The arrival of Oliver David Caffull.

He was born on Friday June 1st, at 5:35pm, weighing 6lb14. I went to visit him today, and he is beautiful. Very contented - he didn't cry once.

Thanks God, for my beautiful new nephew.

Blogged Blessings

2007-06-01T00:29:00.000+01:00

This has been a long time coming, but I felt that I really wanted to blog about how blessed I am. It is very easy to complain about what I have, and even more so, what I don't have, but today, I choose to recognise the incredible blessings God has given me. (This may be a bit sickly sweet - I am cringing myself, but it is true none-the-less). So here are my blessings!

I have food, water, shelter and all of these in abundance
I have an amazing family, whom I love immensley. Mum, Dad, Lee, Tracey, Dale, Ro and baby Roy, I love you, and am so blessed to have you in my family.
I have a fun, and loyal, and loving wider family too. All my aunties, uncles, cousins, nan, grandma and grandads, I love you and am blessed that you are part of my life.
I have a job that I really love.
I have a great boss, and great colleagues. I enjoy work and that is helped by the friendliness, and the helpfuless of everyone I work with.
I am blessed to have some Christians at work. For some reason, that really makes a difference.
I belong to a Church which has its foundations built on the determination to help and heal people - both physically and spiritually.
I belong to a church which is beginning to recapture that vision.
I belong to a church which truly is my 'even wider family'. I love my friends at church, and in all honesty, I don't know what I would do without them. I am truly blessed that you are part of my life.
I am blessed that the leaders of the church I belong to truly care about the mission to which we are called, that they are deeply committed to Christ and that they love God, and the people God has called them to pastor. (Boy I know how to suck up! - but its true!)
I am blessed that I have sooooo many people in my life who will care for me and help me when they can. I am also blessed that many of these people would do that out of the goodness of their own hearts. Not because they would expect something in return. I always have someone I can go to, whatever happens. I am truly blessed. Not everyone has that.
I am blessed that I live in a country that allows me to worship God freely. That I don't have to hide my faith, and that I don't have to make the choice between my faith and my physical life on this earth. (Though I know what I would pick!)
That I have my physical health.
That I am a child of an awesome God.

I could go on and on! I know that relative to many people in this world, my life has been easy, and I don't (will try not to) take that for granted. The words of a song hit me today, and they are my prayer - my worship for today:

Hear these praises from a grateful heart
Each time I think of You, the praises start
Love You so much, Jesus
Love You so much.

Lord I love You, my soul sings
In Your presence, carried on Your wings
Love You so much, Jesus
Love You so much.

How my soul longs for You
Longs to worship You forever
In Your power and majesty
Lift my hands, lift my heart
Lift my voice towards the heavens
For You are my sun and shield.

Hear these praises from a grateful heart
Each time I think of You, the praises start
Love You so much, Jesus
Love You so much.

Blog List

2007-05-29T16:42:00.000+01:00

Blog list has been updated!

A couple of very new bloggers have made it to the top purely because they are very new! Matt White cheated by having splitting one true blog post up into many on numerous occasions, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt!

Real blog coming soon, I promise!

I've been tagged!

2007-05-27T16:16:00.000+01:00

Ok, I have been tagged, (thanks Graeme) I wouldn't usually use my blog for such things, but since Dawn (www.anotherdayinthesnow.blogspot.com) has been blogging my way recently, I thought I would try something a bit different. (It wont last long - I have too much to blog about!)

My tag: "To announce Christ to others a man must first know him himself". From William Barclays The Daily Study Bible, The letter to the Romans.

(Ok, maybe it was more like one of my blogs than I thought it would be. My family bookcase is too religious!)

Here's is what this is about - the rules:

Grab the book closest to you
Turn to page 161
Print the 5th complete sentence on your blog
Tag 5 others.

I tag; Dawn, Liz, Sarah, Ann and Claire.

Why the tags? I deliberated long and hard. In the end, I couldn't decide, so I picked 10 people most likely to actually do it, and then picked the 5 from out of a hat. Sorry to those of you not one of my 'tagged' but I am sure you will get a turn if this 5 do it right!

Minor Injustices

2007-05-19T22:43:00.000+01:00

Ok, I admit it, I watch the Joseph show! And I love it. But tonight, I hate it! An injustice was done. Sorry if you don't watch it and you don't know what I am talking about, but basically, tonight, the voting public, and Andrew Lloyd Webber decided to eliminate a star. Daniel was miles better than Lewis, and Daniel could easily have been Joseph in the West End. Daniel and Lee outshine the rest of them without question. And yet here we are, and Daniel is gone. (Before you ask, no I didn't vote, and now feel very bad about it!)

So why has this inspired a blog? There are a few times today where I have become frustrated at minor injustices. The fact that the ball was clearly over the line in the FA cup final and yet the referee didn't seem to notice was one. Another, (also in the football match), was a really, really minor one, where a throw in was given to Chelsea which should easily have been United's.

It got me wondering three things. The first one is this; I wonder which players referees would highlight as being the most trustworthy, in terms of their integrity in a match. If a player claims that they scored, or won a throw in, or were pushed down in the box, would a ref be more likely to believe some players than others? I know their judgement shouldn't be coloured by the players at all, but I just wonder if, when someone claims on the pitch that an injustice has been done, the ref may sometimes doubt his decision, especially if that player tends to be rather trustworthy! This thought entered my head because I realised today, that I really trust in Ryan Gigg's integrity, and tend to believe him, and yet with players like Drogba or Ronaldo, I would be more likely to ignore their cries of injustice.

Second, what is it inside of us that just needs to burst out in prostest when we see these minor injustices? There are times when it is right to remain calm and not even mention it, like Daniel today. It wouldn't have been appropriate for him to stand up there and say, I don't accept it, you're wrong, I am one of the best two in this contest. It also wouldn't have been right for any of the panel to complain at that moment either. Perhaps we British are better at this than most. Remaining polite and swallowing our frustrations, and just getting on with it. And yet it can't be denied that there is something within that just wants to cry out, 'nooooooo!' (I have to admit - I did, when Daniel was kicked out!)

Third, if there is something within us causing us to do that when we see such a minor injustice, why is it that it can remain so silent when the injustice is much bigger? I know that many many people these days are dealing with this much better; are noticing big injustices and trying to do something about them (not least the Salvation Army) and its superb. Yet we actually have to work to make ourselves feel that strongly about it, but it is so natural with smaller things. (Is it just me?) I wonder if this is to do with how easily we allow ourselves to become personally affected by things. What made me cross today? Daniel being sent home, and Man U not winning. Why was it those things? Because I am a fan of Man U and have been all my life, and therefore have chosen to be loyal to them and care about them winning; and because I like theatre, and will most likely want to go and see Joseph when it comes out, I would like to see someone performing who will be good at it, and will help to make me feel part of the story. I allowed myself to imagine watching Daniel, (and Lee) on the west end stage, 'being Joseph'. That image has now been shattered.

I allowed myself to become, 'personally involved'. I allowed myself to care. Worldwide, if we allow ourselves to care, the strength of the sense of injustice may become too much for us to bear, so it is easier for us, less painful for us, to distance ourselves from it. As I said, I think we are doing this less and less these days, as a country, but I still think there is a long way to go.

In addition to all that, there are things closer to home which I know I could get more involved in. If a friend of mine is hurting, a collegue is involved in a difficult situation, a family member is struggling, a man lives on a street I walk down every week, people in my home town who I haven't got to know yet are addicted to drugs, or gambling, there are people in my neighbourhood who are so disillusioned that all they know how to do is drown their sorrows with alcohol, do I get involved personally? Do I allow myself to care? To care to the point where it hurts me?

Is that even right? I was talking to someone on Thursday about the fact that I need to learn how to care about people and situations without also feeling responsible for them. I have noticed recently that I have a tendancy to become burdened by a sense of responsibility to 'make things better', so much so that it overwhelms me, and then I haven't got anything left in me to simply care about them or it. Something happens and I am immediately consumed with the burden of it all, the responsibility I have in it all, and I can't think straight enough to do anything or even to care. How do you draw the line. If I could learn how to not let things overwhelm me so much then maybe I would be able to shout 'noooo' when a girl goes missing, or when one of my collegues says that the Bible should just stick to being a good source of moral guidance and nothing more, as easily as I shout it when the wrong person is kicked out of 'Joseph school'!

Sorry its so personal.

Others - post Roots!

2007-05-11T09:33:00.001+01:00

What do you say? How can you even begin? I considered not even blogging about Roots, because there was so much to say, but nothing I could say now could add to the experience. Nothing can sum it up, or challenge and inspire beyond that already received this weekend. So what do you say?

Roots, for those of you who don't know, is a big Salvation Army conference which happens once a year. At Roots, we receive a lot of teaching, but beyond that, we are called into action. That is a pretty rubbish summary, so I will try to expand a bit. Basically, it is kind of like Spring Harvest, (or I guess Keswick - although I have never been), except it is different! What makes it different mainly is that, being a Salvation Army conference - (although others are always welcome), we are often taught about things on an 'organisational level' as well as on a personal level. We are usually reminded about what being part of the Salvation Army means. We are inspired by those who teach about the 'roots' of the Salvation Army -the reason for its existence. I guess I wanted to say that because I feel it is important to highlight that Roots is not just about a personal spiritual high once a year. (At least - I hope not). Yes, it is personal, but it is also much more than that. It is an exploration into what it means to be a follower of Jesus - what it means to be a disciple, but also what it means to be a part of a church that was designed to fight against injustice, and more importantly to fight for the Salvation of the lost, (albeit peacefully!). It is also a call to look honestly at ourselves - personally, as a church, and as a whole 'organisation' and question whether we really are meeting our calling.

The theme - as I mentioned in my last post was 'others'. It was very, very inspiring, and I know loads of people from Romford got a lot out of it. I think it is really important that rather than keeping our 'lessons' to ourselves - we make sure we share them, so that we can be accountable to acting on what we heard. So I guess this blog is my chance to do that.

Before I went this weekend I was massively frustrated, (in case nobody had guessed!!!!!). I was frustrated with life being so routine, with the apparent lack of passion for all things God related in my small area, with myself for wanting so much more yet doing so little, and with God for seemingly being so inactive. I guess as far as I could see my area of the world was just plodding along. There were people caught in war, and disease and famine and trafficking, there were people closer to home who were involved in gang wars, drugs, alcohol abuse, shootings and stabbings, and there were people who didn't know God and didn't care about finding out about Him. And we were going to church on a Sunday, getting a nice feeling, going home, going to work, going to church on Sunday, getting a nice feeling, going home...

What do I want? I want us to break out of this cycle. I want us to be differnt, I want us to change things, I want us to be so dedicted to doing this that our whole lives are given to the cause. Notice the deliberate use of the word 'us'. This was my passion, but I didn't want to do it alone. I wanted someone else to lead the way, someone else to break out of the cycle, and I would be there right behind them.

So what has Roots taught me? Well - it didn't answer all my questions. It hasn't sorted everything out, but it has done a few things:

It has shown me that I am not the only one with this kind of passion. I am not alone in this. Other people want it too, and other people have ideas, and visions. I was so blessed by the fact that people from Romford corps were willing to stand together at the front in a response and pray together that we would follow God's will in this. We are together in this. If we go out, make a stand, break out from the monotony of routine life in order to be God's soldiers in this world, fighting for the Salvation of the world, then we do it together, as a body of God's people.
It has shown me that God may well not be as inactive as I thought, as He seems to have been stirring up people's hearts. Whether this is truly God inspired, or just 'Roots good feelings', or 'emotional high's' remains to be seen - but it has opened up the possibility that maybe, just maybe, God is behind all of this, and is working before us. I wait to discover the truth on this one. I hope and pray that it is actually God, else nothing will change.
It has shown me that there is no point in me being passionate about this, and moaning about the apparent lack of involvement of God, when I have not been on my knees every day, crying out for God to act and to be involved. That there is no point recoiling into myself and getting defeatist and negative and yes, maybe even a little bit depressed, because that wont achieve anything. Instead, I need to be crying out to God. Refusing to let Him rest. Knocking on the door of Heaven repeatedly until He gets so fed up that He will come and do something and change our little area of the world, just to shut me up.

I hope others will join me in this kind of devoted prayer. Lets not let God rest. Lets make Him hear us, and show Him how much we care and want Him to act. Lets show Him that we will be willing to do what He asks of us if only He will show us what that is.

Others!

2007-05-03T23:15:00.000+01:00

Today, I am fed up! I have had the most terrible day at work - (not emotionally - but literally - with work). I have been working so hard recently and today, everything went wrong. Do you ever have those days where literally everything you touch seems to fall apart? I wont go into it all (as it would likely bore you), but suffice it to say that by 10:00am I was ready to go home! And I like my job! Ok - maybe I will explain it - I am in the flow now! It was really silly things that kept getting in the way of what I really needed to do, but that had to be done. Making one change - the tiniest change ever known to man, (I am prone to exaggeration!) resulted in some ridiculously massive - the most massive ever known to man, (see!) consequence, which then took up a big portion of the rest of the day. Alongside this I had to attend a team meeting, and have a man come and install something on my computer - who then promtly managed to delete all my printers. To top it off, my train was delayed on the way home, and a car crashed into the bus I was on just as I got off. (Don't worry - no biggy, just a small amount of damage to the bus and car, and no-one was hurt!)

Anyway - all this is beside the point! On the train, (that was delayed), on the way home I had to stand, (which is quite normal). A girl with a massive rucksack on her back came and stood quite close to me - but had her back turned to me, and so her rucksack kept hitting me in the face. (I am short - she was tallish!) This frustrated me a little - especially since the train was not really very busy - there was loads and loads of standing space. To be honest, I think she was just completely oblivious to the fact that she kept backing into me. It got me thinking about the things that wind me up that other people do. (I seriously had a bad day! I don't honestly do that often!) I decided to list them:

Obliviousness - like the girl on the train, or people walking three in a row, really slowly, right in front of you when you are in a rush, or people in supermarkets when they leave their trolley in the middle of the asile so nobody can pass and then spend half an hour trying to decide which type of cheese to get!
People that spit - I think it is a disgusting habbit.
People that talk really loudly on the phone when they are on the train so that everyone can hear, 'how drunk they got last night', when all we really want to do is sleep or read!
People who will stubbornly never see anyone elses perspective even when they cannot justify their own beliefs or behaviour, (although I am the worlds BIGGEST culprit!)
Laziness.
Disloyalty, broken promises.
Rudeness, and a faliure to accept discipline or recognise authority.

After thinking about this, I began to look at the people round me on the train. (They may have thought I was a bit odd!) But I thought to myself - I am thinking about these people only in terms of what the do to annoy me. Each one of them is an actual person, with an actual life. It caused me to stop and think for a moment about the people I know, and the friends I have.

I realsied that I never ever notice any of these sorts of characteristics in my friends. Is that because they are not there? Well maybe, but in general it takes a lot for me to get wound up by people I actually have spent a decent amount of time with. Why? Not necessarily because they are 'better people', but more becasue I understand them that much better. I know that their intention is not to hurt me or to get on my nerves, because I know them and talk to them. This may seem a bit 'idealistic', and those that know me well will know that it is not that simple. I worry way way too much about what other people think of me. But today my perspective was from a new angle - not what do they think of me, but more, why do I think so highly of them?!

I do think highly of most people that I know well, if not all, and that is usually because I know them well, so I know they deserve my admiration. They are all wonderful people. Are the people on the train 'different' somehow? Probably not - I just don't know them. They are likely to be wonderful people too. Tomorrow, if the girl with the rucksack came to work for TFL, I would most likely make friends with her. So next time someones rucksack hits me in the face on the train, instead of being frustrated by it, I am going to try to think, 'who is this person - I wonder who they are on the inside'. Who knows - maybe one day I will be confident enough to actually ask them!

I realise that ROOTS is tomorrow, so it is not likely that many people will read this till Tuesday, but I find it funny that the theme for roots is 'others'. I wondered about waiting till I got back to blog it, but thought the momentum might have gone. Plus, it may well be enlightening! Who knows, maybe it will need a 'before' and 'after' blog!!!

To all those who have decided not to go to roots this year, I will be thinking of you, and am sad I will not see you there. I hope you enjoy your weekend wherever you are. To those who don't even know what roots is, don't worry, I am sure my blog will explain it sometime after we get back. I will most likely get tons of blogging material from it.

Let go and grow?

2007-04-30T17:58:00.000+01:00

Ok, I am sitting here at work going crazy because my brain is trying to figure out how to conflict a junction correctly so that trains don’t collide on the Bakerloo line, at the same time as trying to think about how to get trains into service first thing in the morning on the Jubilee line. So rather than allowing my brain to explode, I thought I would take a break and write a blog.

I have a question. (Does that surprise anyone?!) I am most likely going to be blasted for overcomplicating this again, (and after Sunday – you’d think I would have learned!) but I have to ask my questions – it is part of who I am. So here it is:

When we talk about ‘letting go, and letting God’, is it not possible that we may be doing this, when actually the right course of action is to do something. I hear the point of view that sometimes we just have to relax, but for me, I just don’t know how to do that, without also forgetting my own responsibility. There is something I have had playing on my mind for a long time now, and I think about it constantly. I have just recently been blocking it out of my mind for a while, and trying to stop analysing it, and asking ‘why?’, (is this letting go?). The trouble is that I am worried that is going to lead to acceptance of something that should really not be accepted – and actually needs to be changed. (Does this make any sense?)

So how can you ‘let go’, and yet still grow? (I’m a poet and I didn’t know it!) If we let go, do we just end up accepting the status quo? (Oh look – I did it again! – sort of). Do people get my point? I know that the idea was that we are to let go of our control and give the control to God – but I just don’t see what that means practically. How can you let go, and yet still take responsibility for your spiritual growth?

Ooh – I kept it relatively short too! Well done me!

Build it anyway?

2007-04-22T15:01:00.000+01:00

You can spend your whole life building

Something from nothin'

One storm can come and blow it all away

Build it anyway

You can chase a dream

That seems so out of reach

And you know it might not ever come your way

Dream it anyway

God is great

But sometimes life aint good

And when I pray

It doesn't always turn out like I think it should

But I do it anyway

Do it anyway

This word's gone crazy

Its hard to believe

That tomorrow will turn out better than today

Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart

For all the right reasons

In a moment they can choose to walk away

Love 'em anyway

God is great

But sometimes life ain't good

And when I pray

It doesn't always turn out like I think it should

But I do it anyway

You can poor your soul out singing

A song you believe in

That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang

Sing it anyway

I sing

I dream

I love

Anyway

(Martina McBride - Anyway)

I heard Martina McBride singing these lyrics on American Idol today, and it immediately impacted me. First of all because it mentioned God and was being sung on American Idol, but after that, because of the attitude it encourages. I think it is a beautiful and very powerful song. I can imagine it being many peoples 'life anthem' in that it really speaks to them and produces in them some sort of application for their lives. But I had to stop and just think to myself, 'hang on, it sounds good, but do I actually agree with these lyrics?'

I re-read these lyrics, and added to the end of each phrase the question, 'why?'
Build it anyway - why?
Dream it anyway - why?
Pray it anyway - why?
Believe it anyway - why?
Love them anyway - why?
Sing it anyway - why?

As a Christian, I know that sometimes, even when we can't understand, and even when we don't know the answer to the 'why' question, faith requires us to believe anyway. And when we pray and God seems to be ignoring us, faith requires us to pray anyway. Also, love is something we do, not because of what we get out of it, but just because we do. I know all that, and so if this can be true for those things, then why not for 'dreaming', 'singing', or 'building', (whatever that might mean metaphorically). But again I have to askthe question, why'?

Take dreaming for instance. 'You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach, and you know that it might never come your way.' What is the point in dreaming for something that in all likelihood is going to end in disappointment? Or building - You can spend your wole life building something fom nothing, but one storm can come and blow it all away. If you know that - why bother building it?

I told someone last week that I was in a very Ecclesiastical mood, in the sense that I am with Solomon in his frustration at the meaninglessness of life. We could build, dream, pray, believe, love and sing, and enjoy doing those things, but what does it actually achieve? Do we feel better? Maybe, yes. Although not always because the crush of disappointment can hurt like crazy, but maybe for a while, the positivity and hope represented by these lyrics can make us feel better. Someone once said to me, 'I don't know why we are here on this earth, but we are here, so we might as well enjoy it.' Is that it? Is our whole purpose in life just to make ourselves feel better about being here? To try to find some smidgen of enjoyment in an otherwise rubbish life? Is there something more? Does hoping, building, praying, believing, loving or singing change anything? Do we do these things to mask the rubishness of life, or are they worthwhile in themselves. Are they things we should do because they change the world or because they make us feel better? I guess my question really is, 'what is the meaning of life'? How often throughout life will we have to come back to that question before we truly understand the answer?!

Gambling - Whats the limit?

2007-04-15T23:21:00.000+01:00

I want to start by apologising. I had a really massive topic I wanted to blog about following this mornings meeting, but I had a long talk after the meeting with someone I trust and I have decided to hold off on it for a while. I have lot to think about following that discussion, and most of it too personal for here. So instead I am blogging about something rather different to the usual. (And it may seem stupid and trivial).

My brother and his girlfriend are currently collecting the McDonalds monopoly stickers, and seem to be doing relatively well. For those of you who are not aware of McDonalds latest marketing ploy, they have created a makeshift monopoly board, and their drinks (and other products) have pull off tabs on them, which are the various properties you find on a monopoly board. The idea is that you collect as many of these properties as you can. If you complete a set, (e.g. you get both greens) then you have a chance of winning a variety of prizes.

Rowan and Naomi have one of the greens and are waiting for Bond Street to appear. McDonalds will give away £100000 to three people who manage to get both of the greens. Clearly this is not a guarunteed prize. The chances are obviously very slim. Anyway, they were telling me tonight that they had two 'Park Lane's'. Park Lane is a purple and so is a good one to have (in theory) and so I made the suggestion, (although it was all meant to be just a bit of fun), of puting it on ebay. It seems other people had this idea too.

Quite a few people are selling these tiny little tokens on ebay. We found someone selling 'Bond Street' for £2. (With free postage). Now £2 for a token might seem steep, but Ro pointed out that you would pay more than that for a McDonalds meal. We were laughing saying maybe we should do it, until it was pointed out to us that this was actually gambling. I agreed, (reluctantly) that actually yes, it was gambling, but others I spoke to did not. So me being me, I looked up the definition:

"Gambling (or betting) is any behavior involving risking money or valuables (making a wager or placing a stake) on the outcome of a game, contest, or other event in which the outcome of that activity depends partially or totally upon chance or upon one's ability to do something."www.wikipedia.org

So is buying 'Bond Street' on ebay gambling? Does it risk money? Well - yes I suppose so, although buying something like that doesn't feel like much of a risk. Maybe because £2 doesn't seem that valuable these days. But, in theory, it is still risking money, however small the amount is. Is it the outcome of a game? Yes. Is it based on chance? Yes! So I guess in theory it is gambling.

Naomi says: To get Bond Street without buying it on ebay, I would have to spend lots of money on McDonalds before hand. Therefore, surely by using ebay we are risking less money, (and reducing our risk of childhood obesity).

However, the point remains that this is gambling. But how far do you take this concept? Would buying McDonalds and then using the token to try to win money be gambling? No in theory because you are not risking money - you are spending money on food and the token just happens to come as a 'free extra'. But what if you bought a McDonalds because of the token. Surely then you would be buying the token, and the meal would come as a free extra. In that case, buying the McDonalds would be gambling. Would people say that was wrong? How far do you take it. How lenient do you become before you draw a line? Is it a slippery slope? Should we therefore reject involvement in all such competitions? Would you send off a completed crossword puzzle for a competition for example? Surely you are risking the price of a stamp?

I know it may sound like a silly point to be thinking so much about, but don't you think its right that we should know where to draw the line? What do you think? Is it gambling? What would you do?

If anyone has a bond street token that they don't mind giving away, we would much appreciate it. It would save the hassle of trying to be morally right, without being legalistic and ridiculous!

So what do we do?

2007-04-05T12:28:00.000+01:00

After being inspired by a very good friend of mine recently, I started looking a bit more into the concept of trade justice, in order to try to find out if I could do more to help. I made a decision. Not a massive one, a very little one in fact compared with the vastness of the issue, but a decision none-the-less. My decision; to buy only fairly traded chocolate from now on. That means no more Cadbury's, no more Galaxy, at least until they bring out fair trade varieties.

I went into work one day this week and my colleagues were talking about Easter and why it has become so commercialised, and so chocolate-oriented. As part of this discussion I mentioned my decision. The discussion then turned towards fair trade, and I was told by a colleague that fair trade was a farce in any case. This has opened a can of worms, and I am frustrated and confused and in need of a bit of clarity. I am very un-politically and uneconomically minded, and so all of these discussions overwhelm me a bit, and I don't know where to find my place or my stand in it all. Those who know me well will know what a frustrating place that is for me, so if anyone can help, I would be most grateful.

The basics of it as far as I can see is this: Fair trade promises the initial producers of the products, (coffee bean farmers for example), a fair price when trading for their goods. Generally, this means that the price of fair-trade products is higher, but one would think that was a small price to pay for giving people a fairer deal. I may be simple, but that sounds great to me. Apparently not!

The Economist says this: "The low price of commodities such as coffee is due to overproduction, and ought to be a signal to producers to switch to growing other crops. Paying a guarunteed Fairtrade premium - in effect a subsidy - both prevents this signal from getting through and, by raising the average price paid for coffee, encourages more producers to enter the market. This then drives down the price of non-fair trade coffee even further, making non-Fairtrade farmers poorer." Voting with Your Trolley - Economist.com, Dec 7th 2006

It also raises another objection as follows: "Retailers add their own enormous mark-ups to Fairtrade products and mislead consumers into thinking that all of the premium they are paying is passed on...Fairtrade coffee is used by retailers as a means of identifying price-insensitive consumers who will pay more." Voting with Your Trolley - Economist.com, Dec 7th 2006

To be honest, these arguments do seem to have a lot of logic in them. The second argument certainly has the lesser impact on me personally. I find it annoying that companies are using this to make themselves richer and trying to come accross as ethical when really they are just being greedy, but the point is that regardless of that, the producers are still being given more money for their product, and at the end of the day that is why I buy it. I can't make all the corporations less greedy, but I can buy a product which helps a poor farmer to provide for their family.

The first argument, however, stunned me into silence. What it says, in effect, is that me buying Fairtrade may help some farmers get more money, but it is likely to make others even poorer. I can't handle that. I don't want to do that, I want to help not hinder.

I want to be honest now - so here is where I am at. I read those articles on the train, and for the rest of my journey home I had to fight back tears. I was so frustrated that the only response I could make was to cry, and I couldn't even do that! This may seem like an exaggerated reaction, and maybe it was just an emotional day in general yesterday, but this is what I do. I often feel very passionately about an issue. I will be stirred into very strong emotions by something like this. It makes me so mad that there are people in the world who don't have access to clean water. It breaks my heart that there are people who live in poverty and struggle to provide for their families. It drives me crazy that I live in such relative luxury. I wonder if it is possible to care so much that you become of little or no use. If it is possible, then I think I fall in that category, because these things break my heart, and yet I do nothing. Why do I do nothing? Because I don't get it. I don't know how to help. I don't know how to make things better without making them worse.

On one hand I want to fight against what these articles are saying. Delve into them to find inconsistencies and false arguments, so that I can feel free to make my chcoclate choice again. But I have to stop and ask myself why. Why am I so annoyed that these articles might have an element of truth to them. Why does it leave me feeling so utterly gutted and useless. The honest answer is that making a small decision like that made me feel better about myself. It made me feel less guilty. At least I could say I was doing something or trying. Well, I'm sorry, but that is not good enough. This choice is not meant to be about me. It's meant to be about those poor people in the developing world. It's meant to be about actually transforming lives, not letting myself believe I am helping and ignoring all the warnings I get that say that I might not be, just because I want to feel good.

But then I am left with this question: What do I do then? Some people are convinced that the best way to help is to vote for the people that promise to do something about fair trading, and other ethical issues, (such as human trafficking). The problem with that is that politicians are so clever with their words. They can make you think that they are promising things but hide the loopholes and leave us all massively confused. I don't get politics, I am not clever enough, but I want to help so desperately.

I sometimes wish you could 'see' feelings. They are so hard to describe, and this issue for me brings out a lot of them. I want to ackowledge them and use them for good, but they can be so powerful that the only thing I can do is try to surpress them and simply let them go, because I do not know how to respond to them in a better way. Does anyone else have this problem? What can we do? And how do we know that what we end up doing is actually helping long term, and not just making us feel better or less guilty in the present?

Statistics

2007-04-02T09:12:00.000+01:00

Ok, so to make it fair, I have actually analysed the statistics. Sorry people, but I just couldn't leave it being 'my own perception'. I had to make sure it was right. So the list is updated, according to the following rules:

The statistics are based on blogs since 1st March 2007 and up to (and including) 1st April 2007
The list is based on a 'days per blog' scheme, (Dividing number of blogs by number of days in the period under consideration) - so for those who started (or restarted) blogging within this time period, the length of time of blogging has been accounted for.
Every single blog post is included. Some people cheat and put three blog posts in one day! (Matt L) but each of these is still included because I couldn't think of any other fair way of doing it!

The statistics are as follows:

Matt Leeder - blogged on average every 3.56 days. (Helped by the three times in one day and huge amount of blogs that were simply hyperlinks to other sites!)
Richard Borrett - blogged on average every 3.67 days, (but has only been re-blogging 11 days! Well done!)
Dawn Watson - blogged on average every 4 days, (sorry Dawn you were overtaken by a recent surge!)
Sarah Tomkinson - blogged on average every 4.57 days
Ann Borrett - blogged on average every 5 days, (but has only been re-blogging for 10 days)
Amy Pinwill, Becks Hills, Andy Hill - blogged on average every 6.4 days
Liz Hall, Bec Goldsmith, Glyn Harries, Matt White - blogged on average every 8 days, (Liz that's not even one a week! Come on! - Matt, sorry but Glyn blogged twice in one day!)
Verity Hill - blogged on average every 13 days, (but V has only been blogging for 13 days! That's just one post!)
Claire Tomkinson, Richard Wright - blogged on average every 16 days. Falling behind!
Rach Bishop - blogged on average every 32 days. That was once in March. Rach - you may well blame this on course work, but come on! Once a month?! At leat that's better than Jo's once since November I guess!

Anyway. That's it on the blog-list front. Back to normal blogging very soon. I can feel lots of questions brewing!!!

My 'Other Great Blogs' list

2007-03-29T12:58:00.000+01:00

I know, I know, another new post. But this one isn't really real. Its just regarding my blogger list!

I have been very excited by the lengthening of my 'other great blogs' list in recent days. Previously removed blogs have been re-entered, and are currently performing very well!

Since the ongoing discussions in Andy's blog about where people are on his list, I decided mine needed a bit of re-working. Whilst I liked Andy's idea of listing the blogs alphabetically, I didn't feel that copying it was the right way to go. Instead I have come up with my own system. The fairness of it is up for discussion!

I have decided that the more frequently a blogger blogs, the higher up the list they go. Now, in all honesty, I haven't sat there and analysed the statistics regarding the frequency of blogs, since I am currently at work and meant to be analysing the statistics of the Jubilee line! Instead, this has been done quickly according to my perception.

It may be unfair in the sense that there are a couple of more recent additions to the list, aka the Borretts, who have previously not been high on a blog frequency chart, but suddenly seem to have found their form, and are perfoming very well. Whereas, previously high performers who have recently had a lull, have been moved below them.

If you feel you position is disputable please let me know, I will do my best to handle all complaints fairly and equally.

Lessons from the Footie

2007-03-18T17:14:00.000Z

Hang on a minute, I wrote a post 5 days ago and now I am blogging again? What's going on? That's quicker than some of the more frequent bloggers. Something incredible must have happened! Well it did, (of sorts). I went to see Man U play Bolton at Old Trafford on Saturday, (yes, groan, I am a Man U fan - sorry peops, but they are clearly the greatest team ever!). Firstly, just to say I had an amazing time. I have only ever seen a football match live at the stadium once before, and that was also Man U at Old Trafford when they played Lille last season and drew 0-0 in a very boring game. Saturday was an entirely different story. With the final score at 4-1 (though the 1 was from a very dubious penalty!), it meant I got to see lots of goals, and join in the cheering.

Along with the fun, I did also learn a few things, and I have listed some of them below:

That Christiano Ronaldo is every bit as gorgeous in real life as he is on the TV.
That knowing someone who 'has contacts' is always beneficial. We had incredible seats! Seriously incredible. I could see every litle trick Ronaldo did, (he is also a genius football player!). Dale turned to me at one point and said, 'I can even hear the sound when they kick the ball'- we were that close!
The meanings to some words I didn't even know existed, (and think I would have preferred that it had stayed that way - but never mind!)
That 'Ooh aah, Cantona' fever is not yet over, (seriously, they sang it!)
That the name of God is a very precious and beautiful thing, and worshipping that very name is a beautiful thing to do.

The last one seems a bit out of place, I know, but I truly did come away with a renewed sense of what it means to worship, and a greater desire to praise my God for his awesomeness. Why? Well, here is the story.

Ryan Giggs had just run down the wing, twisting and turning around defenders, and created enough space to take a shot on goal. (He didn't score from it, but that is beside the point). Following that the crowd burst into song, just singing, 'Ryan Giggs, Ryan Giggs, Ryan Giggs' over and over. When you watch football on the tv, its easy to forget that the players are real people, with real personalities, real lives and real emotions. I guess they are used to it, but the fact that they would be standing there, hearing their name being sung like that stuck me as awesome. I turned to Dale and Dad and said, 'that must be the most amazing feeling, standing out there on the pitch and hearing thousands upon thousands of people singing your name. Can you even imagine?' Then I realised, that is what it must be like for God when His people truly worship his name. Our worship can be that beautiful - and more. We can be part of thousands upon thousands of people all singing God's name over and over, simply because He is worth it. Not forgetting that we join with the angels in doing so. What an immense privilage. We can give pleasure to God through our worship. Woah!

Part of me wants to leave it there. To say that I have been taught that worship is a real privilage. To be inspired by that lesson, and to let this post be nice and positive and a breath of fresh air. But another part, since Sunday night, wants to develop this a bit further. To question why all the beauty and wonder of the above is not my daily experience. I feel that it is important to question this, to try to see whether that could become my daily experience, rather than letting it remain a distant hope, and a nice thought. But, I think I am going to need to keep returning to the original inspiration for this post. Reminding myself that worship can be beautiful and shouldn't be hard or a chore. It is simply a privilage.

So, why does my worship fall so far short of the above? Could it simply be because I am scared of what people might think? The culture of my church is one where people will sing heartily enough, but there is no other kind of expression of true joy in the Worship of our Father. I am not saying this judgementally, I know that often what is in people's hearts is very genuine and very real, but there is no denying that when it comes to the physicality of our worship, we can often be quite sombre, half-hearted and energy-less. I wonder why. I wonder why it is so easy for people to let loose at a football match but not in church. If it is simply fear of other peoples reactions, and what they will think of us, is that right? If one or two people decided to not let that bother them, and to simply worship with all that they are, would others follow suit? Would we care if they didn't? I think this plays a major factor in why our worship is not as expressive as one would hope, but I think there may be more to it. Certainly, from a personal perspective, if I was as awe-struck by God as I ought to be, then I think I would be much more abandoned to worship.

Last night in the discussion group after the meeting, we read the following scripture:

"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." Acts 2:42-47

Are we truly 'filled with awe'? If not, why not? Would we be more awed by God if He was doing more? (Sorry, back on that subject again!), what about if we shared more of what God is doing? I get really excited when I hear of or see somone else expressing their faith. It seems to be one of the things that brings me heartfelt joy, when I see another follower wanting to delve deeper into the Bible. When I see someone praying, quietly, without it being part of a service, or without them being asked - but a showing that they truly do talk to God and have a real relationship with Him. When people tell me stories about how God is working in their lives. When people go to the mercy seat, or I see people crying out to God. When I see someone truly praying for and caring about someone else, and bringing them before the Lord. When I walk round someones house and see loads of little God reminders - fridge magnets, Bible verses, cards, bookmarks, etc, all of which speak of God playing a massively important role in their lives. The only way I can desribe that feeling is that I get all scrunchy inside. Often I just simply don't know how to express it, but really need to. Maybe thats what we need to do - talk to each other more about what God is doing. Be honest with each other about how much we love him. Be vulnerable in sharing our love of God and passion for Him and His Kingdom with each other.

But I don't know that that is the only answer. I think there is more to it. Do we lack awe because we don't exhibit the same things that those early disciples did? That passage says, "They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer." Are we truly that devoted to God? That devoted to the teaching we receicve? Should we be trying to take more from the sermons. To not just listen to them, but to act on them. Maybe even take notes, and revisit what was said over the next few days to try to actively be devoted to the teaching. The breaking of the bread is obviously a difficult one for those of us in the army, but what do you think? Would we be more awe filled if we practiced communion? What about prayer? I think I know many of the people at my church well enough to be confident that people do pray by themselves, but what about corporately? How often do we do that? In my experience, corporate prayer has been exciting and invigorating. Praying with others has increased my own passion, and my own excitment. It has helped me to pray for bigger things that I sometimes dare to on my own. It means I pray about other things - less selfish things than when I am on my own. Is there a chance that we are missing out on the awe because we are neglecting the prayer?

Sorry, lots of questions. I think a lot of this has to come from me. If I want greater experiences in worship, if I want to experience the joy of singing God's name over and over at the top of my voice simply because He is worthy of it; if I want to feel and know that I am joining with the angels and all God's people around the world when I worship; if I want this to become a daily reaility in my worship experience rather than a distant dream, then I ought to not worry about what people think of me, and also, I ought to be more awe filled. That probably means devoting myself more to God, to the teaching I receive, and to choosing to act on that teaching; being more devoted to the fellwship and most importantly to PRAYER.

What do you think? Is this possible?